Category Archives: Lifestyle

Village’s ‘3D printer’ finishes jumper

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With 3D printing on the increase and a Manchester company claiming to have made a pair of 3D printed knickers, Harold’s very own ‘3D printing prototype’ has finally finished ‘printing’ a jumper.

“The project has been going for a while now, but we finally have a finished product” a spokesman for the Over-The-Hill retirement home, which houses the printer, told us.

“The technology is still a bit primitive, but Elsie Duggan, 86, can now knit 3D scarfs, over-sized 3D jumpers and gloves for people with six fingers.”

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Filed under Business, Culture, Fashion, Lifestyle, News

Can exercising for just two seconds a month transform your health?

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After just two seconds a month, your head will turn into this charming timepiece

No, of course not.

It’s the most stupid idea ever, and will obviously do nothing more than persuade a generation of obese couchmongers that it’s OK to remain slumped on their fat arses doing little more than a half-hearted leg spasm once a month.

But I’ve got a book!

Or at least that’s what conventional wisdom would have you believe! But I’m the BBC’s Bob Mussolini, and I’m here to tell you all about the revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan called High Intensity Training. This revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan was launched recently in my book The Revolutionary Quick-Fix ‘Fast Exercise’ Plan for readers, and in the Daily Mail for everyone else, and has already virtually banished obesity from our shores.

Erection

Everyone agrees that getting more active will make you healthier and prolong your life. But exercise will also help you stop getting stuck in doorways, give you a fighting chance of achieving the occasional erection and reduce the risk of dementia, heart attacks, diabetes and dementia.
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Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

Middle classes ‘will probably riot’ over higher school holiday Center Parcs prices

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White-collar workers of the world unite!

Tensions were running at fever pitch in the streets of Wimbledon and Godalming last night as middle-class unrest over seasonally-inflated Center Parcs pricing threatened to escalate into a frenzy of Facebook posting and near-audible tutting.

This being the time of year when the reasonably financially comfortable let their thoughts stray towards summer leisure, nice families like us across the country were shocked to discover they faced the stark choice of taking their children out of school a week early or paying a bit more. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, Politics

Channel 5 praised for most secretive Big Brother series ever

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Producers at Channel 5 have been congratulated and thanked by the British public for the most secretive series of Big Brother yet.

The current run, which started just over a week ago, has some of today’s biggest names such as Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair yet has still managed to slip under the radar of even the most discerning youthful telly addicts.

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Showbusiness

New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.

“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Sport

Government announces electrification of the M1

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The government has today announced the electrification of the M1 between London and Sheffield. Transport Minister Patrick McLoughlin also explained many other upgrades to the route that will see safety increased, including bumpers around the edge of the carriageway.

The electricity needed for vehicles to run will be supplied via a mesh running along the length of the route with a pole extending from the back of the car connecting it to the national grid. “Essentially we are going to invest billions of pounds in the world’s longest bumper car course” Mr McLoughlin told reporters. “This will of course become a toll road. You pay your £2.50 per person at the toll booth in exchange for a token to get your car going.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Travel

Retailers prepare for another busy Christmas shopping day, Man Monday

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Garages expect their peak trading to be 7pm Christmas Eve

After Cyber Monday and Black Friday, two of the biggest shopping days online and on the High Street, shops and garages all over the UK are bracing themselves for Man Monday. The day, which this year falls just two days before Christmas, sees 90% of men start their Christmas shopping.

The British Retail Consortium say although this may not be the most profitable day of the shopping year, it is a great chance for them to get rid of the tat that didn’t sell before the Boxing Day sales.

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Filed under Business, Lifestyle, News

Cocaine recategorised as Class ABC1

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‘No’ to junkies, ‘yes’ to aspirational cocaine consumers.

Politicians have called for cocaine to be recategorised as Class ABC1, which would restrict its use to those with a demographic very similar to politicians.

While the use of recreational drugs by poor people has long been frowned upon, MPs and senior police believe ‘now is the time’ to reassess their impact on architects, dentists and TV chefs.

“We want the public to know that casual drug use will not be tolerated”, said Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. “But smart-casual drug use is fine.”
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Filed under Food, Law and Order, Lifestyle

Facebook ‘auto-suggest’ means no Chris will be forgotten this Christmas

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With Christmas being one of the most typed words into a status update at the moment, Facebook’s auto-suggest feature is ensuring anyone named Christopher, Chris or Christine will not be forgotten over the festive season.

The feature on the social media platform sees a list of names beginning with Chris pop up every time a user starts typing Christmas.

Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg explained: “We introduced the feature to help users remember their friends’ names each time they bang their fists on the keyboard in an attempt to string a sentence together.
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Filed under Christmas, Lifestyle, News

Henry and Hetty Numatic in acrimonious split

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Henry has been accused of landing a sucker punch.

Well-known cleaning couple, Henry and Hetty Numatic, have filed for divorce amid shocking new revelations about their private lives.  The new revelations follow the publication last week of an image showing Henry on the half-landing of their big house on the Dunstable Road with his electric cable wrapped round Hetty’s face.

“There was certainly a face-off,” said the editor of domestic servitude newsletter The Daily Maid.   “He looked like he was trying to strangle her and when they were pulled apart, Hetty’s face came off.  It took ages to snap it back on.”

Fortunately the damage was only cosmetic.  “It’s nothing a bit of plastic surgery can’t fix,” said Henry, dismissing the strangling allegation as nothing more than ‘a cable entanglement incident’.
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Filed under Advertisments, Dating, Lifestyle, Sex, Showbusiness, Technology

Tom Daley posters now on 100% of UK teenager’s bedroom walls

tom-daleyTom Daley’s announcement that ‘right now I’m dating a guy’ while also clarifying ‘I still fancy girls’ has ensured that every UK teenager now has a Tom Daley poster on their bedroom wall.

“I’ve loved Tom since he was in short trousers, well he’s still in short trousers” said Melanie Delaney, aged 19 from Harold. “I’m just so relieved that Tom is only dating that guy ‘right now’. As soon as Tom gives him the flick, I’ve got a really good chance as he’s made it clear he ‘still fancies girls’.”

Melanie’s brother, Simon Delaney aged 16, was full of excitement as he stuck his first Tom Daley poster to his wall. “I’ve always known I was gay and I can’t wait to meet Tom as soon as he finishes with the guy he is with ‘right now’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Sport

Osborne to make Autumn Statement in stunning georgette dress

catwalk

It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.

The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced.  “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement  the full son-et-lumiere makeover.  I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.”  The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading

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Filed under Business, Economy, Fashion, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Showbusiness

Village Pedants’ Association calls for porn ban until ‘standards of grammar improve’

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Members of ‘Harold’s Pedants’ Association’ have voted overwhelmingly to call for a ban on pornography in the village until levels of grammar in the specialist movies have improved.

Tyrone (Ty) Tars, leader of the group told us: “Whether enjoying as a couple or as a solo activity, concentrating on the finer nuances of the adult film genre is made almost impossible by grammatical errors you only expect from a greengrocer.
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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Sex

Harold fails in bid for Blue Flag Award for third year running

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Brown, sticky and foul-smelling, Harold hopes to compete with Southend-on-Sea.

A meeting of the culture and amenities sub-committee in Harold has expressed disappointment over the village’s failure to win a coveted Blue Flag Award for the third year in a row.

The rejection email cited ‘poor water quality, a general lack of ice-cream kiosks, bucket-and-spade retailers and lifeboats.  Oh, and not being located at the seaside.’

But, rather than just record ‘downhearted’ in the minutes, the committee used positive thinking and came up with a proposal to give Harold a better chance of getting a Blue Flag next year.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Culture, Health, Lifestyle, Sport

Student at the ‘University of Life’ to take a gap year

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After 37 years at the University of Life, Jon Sanders from Harold has decided to take a gap year to ‘enlighten his life’ by completing a law course at Dunstable University.

Mr Sanders has been a proud student at the University of Life since leaving school at 14, a fact he talks about with the pride, enthusiasm and smugness of an Oxbridge graduate.

“I was never the ‘academic type’,” Mr Sanders explained, “which would normally lead people towards art college or a media studies degree, but I decided to do all my learning in the real world.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Lifestyle, News

Residents complain at the influx of ‘Bitstrippers’ living in the village

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Residents in the village of Harold have raised their concerns at a public meeting about the arrival of a ‘Bitstrip’ family to the village. The family have moved in next door to Carly Jeffery and her two young children.

Ms Jeffery told us: “I’m no cartoonist, but, these people are just an annoying danger to everyone around them. They are continually setting fire to things and committing other acts of violence, taking photos of themselves in the act and uploading those pictures to Facebook with some stupid comment at the bottom.”

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Relief as ‘let’s get Christmas out the way first’ becomes legitimate excuse once more

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Your work ethic between November 12th and January 2nd.

There have been long drawn-out sighs of quiet satisfaction across the nation this morning as the realisation dawned that ‘let’s get Christmas out the way first’ can once again be used as a legitimate excuse not to do anything.

“We had the two minutes silence for Armistice Day,” said Harold estate agent Gill Gates. “And then I thought that’s it. We’ve done Hallowe’en, we’ve commemorated Remembrance Sunday and Armistice Day, we’re on the home stretch to Christmas so it’s time to put the kettle on and spend the rest of the morning on Facebook.” Continue reading

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Depressed cat gives up after eight unsuccessful suicide attempts

Do I look like I want a pink collar?

Do I look like I want a pink collar?

Tiddles, a tabby cat from Harold, is resigned to staying alive after unsuccessfully trying to commit suicide 8 times.

Tiddles’ owner, Hilda Merton aged 78, and who owns 12 other cats, said she couldn’t understand why Tiddles was so depressed, especially after she had recently bought him a lovely pink collar with a pretty sounding bell.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Nature

Richard Littlejohn reveals his secret life as a tattooed single mother

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Tired of living a lie

In a tearful confession to journalists at his Florida mansion, Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn has finally admitted that he is actually a single mother of two, named Tracy.

Littlejohn’s femaleness has been an open secret for years among Fleet Street insiders, but the reading public might be surprised, given his outspoken views on everyone else.

Arm in arm with life partner Janet, Richard ‘Tracy’ Littlejohn revealed that his brash, unpleasant journalist persona was merely “a facade to get paid work”, and explained to crowds of sympathetic reporters how things had gone too far:
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Filed under Food, Lifestyle

‘Cannibal Mayor’ vows to stay in office

Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.

Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.

The Mayor of the village of Harold has vowed not to resign, despite police confirmation that they have a video of him apparently eating a local pensioner.

Mayor Rufus D Jackson, who had previously denied being a murderous man-eating monster, appeared emotional as he insisted to journalists this morning that “a few isolated bouts of cannibalism” should not prevent him from doing his job.

After months of ducking the question, Mr Jackson acknowledged at a press conference outside Harold’s butcher supplies emporium that he had merely “eaten one or two people” while “really really hungry”.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Food, Lifestyle, Politics