Members of ‘Harold’s Pedants’ Association’ have voted overwhelmingly to call for a ban on pornography in the village until levels of grammar in the specialist movies have improved.
Tyrone (Ty) Tars, leader of the group told us: “Whether enjoying as a couple or as a solo activity, concentrating on the finer nuances of the adult film genre is made almost impossible by grammatical errors you only expect from a greengrocer.
“For example, during ‘Casting Couch 3’ the lead female stated she had ‘less than five sexual partners’. I don’t care if you are laying naked on a cream leather couch being put on film for eternity not knowing who will see it, we all know it’s ‘fewer’ than five people.
“I’ll be honest, the only way I could regain a phallus worth working with was to write a stern letter pointing out the errors to the production company. Oh yeah, that felt good.”
The call for a ban on pornography until standards meet an acceptable level has not been welcomed by everyone in the village. 17-year-old Simon Delany believes the HPA are just ‘acting like dicks’, trying to take away the only thing that doesn’t make a teenager miserable.
“I heard Ty Tars complaining that one actor described the sex he was having as ‘fantastic’, saying that as he was actually in the act, it wasn’t far from reality or fanciful as the dictionary defines. I would feel dirty having those kind of thoughts in my head.
“And if we’re totally honest, who actually gets to the credits to notice the misplaced apostrophe.”
However, Mr Tars was defiant. “It is more about the lack of warnings that we are ‘about to view grammatical errors that some pedants may find disturbing’.
“The synopsis on the back of the ‘Jonny 9 inch’ DVD may have said he splits everything he touches, but I didn’t think that included infinitives.”
