The Metropolitan Police have been accused of ‘deliberately provoking’ Tory MPs, with their choice of replacement officers to guard the gates at Downing Street.
With several regular officers from Number 10 currently engaged with helping other police avoid their enquiries, the choices of PC Pleb, PC Prole and PC Minion as replacements has raised a few eyebrows.
“I thought the police were supposed to be f***ing helping us”, complained semi-disgraced MP Andrew Mitchell, rather quietly. “If you ask me, choosing these three is just taking the p*ss.”
Mitchell has so far failed to gain access to Downing Street since the latest appointments, despite his best attempts to attract their attention by politely coughing.
The three stand-in officers are pretending not to notice anyone even if they’re stood right in front of them, if they don’t first address them by their names.
“I’m not falling for that”, said Mitchell, with his hand over his mouth. “They may be wearing massive name badges and referring to each other as ‘Pleb’ and ‘Minion’ constantly, but they can’t prove that I actually care enough to remember who they are.”
“Besides, it’s rather over-familiar for one to address a prole as anything but ‘Police Officer’, ‘Mr Policeman’, or ‘you there’. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that all three of them are miked up.”
So far, the former Chief Whip has tried several methods of gaining entry. Wearing the instruments of a one-man band, Mitchell looked tired, but defiant.
“So far I’ve tried dressing as a doughnut seller and as a sickly child with a petition, but these fine upstanding officers just aren’t playing the f***ing game”, he complained.
“I thought of loitering around dressed as a newspaper vendor but my advisors reckon that’s too dangerous. I’m trying to knock on, not get brutally knocked out.”
A security expert thinks things could change for Mitchell if he uses a clever loophole: he suggests that by addressing them by their first names, he could get a favourable response.
“That might be easy for a commoner, but it’s too undignified for a Conservative MP to do”, insisted Mitchell, “it’s highly offensive to use christian names, didn’t you go to public school?”