Category Archives: Health

by | May 18, 2015 · 2:52 am

PM vows to end NHS in seven days

nhs1

“Why won’t they work longer hours for less money?” wonders the chillaxing multi-millionaire.

David Cameron will today pledge to destroy the world’s first universal health service and guarantee his City chums “armfuls of dosh from privatisation wherever they are and whenever they need it.”

In his first speech since beating Ed Miliband like a red-headed mule in the general election, the Prime Minister will promise that billions of pounds of tax-payers money will be thrust into fat cats hands now and “for every generation of one percenters to come.” Continue reading →

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by | May 13, 2015 · 11:00 am

Vegans clamour for shoes made from skin of world’s fattest man

nude shoes

Nude shoes are unusually well insulated.

Eight pairs of ‘nude’ shoes crafted from the excess skin of tubster Paul Mason are expected to break all records at a specialist vegan auction.

Suffolk-born Paul Mason was once hailed ‘the world’s fattest man’, but lost 160 kilos when his vending machine broke down. The rapid weight loss left him enveloped in loose folds of skin.

Now a leading designer has created the first vegan-friendly ‘leather’ shoes, from the excess material removed from Paul by New York surgeons.

“We managed to get two pairs of size 5s just from his left thigh”, said the creator, Brian Lichtenberg. “The leather is so soft, it’s really good quality.”

“There’s virtually no scars from where he’s scratched against barbed wire fences, although there are one or two stretch marks.”
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by | April 23, 2015 · 6:00 pm

Village chubster ‘buoyed’ that exercise doesn’t reduce weight

fishandchipsHarold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.

The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.

Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.

“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”

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by | March 4, 2015 · 11:00 am

Warning: giving up sugar can lead to acute rise in smugness

123-granulated-sugar-and-sugar-cubes350x300

Pure, white and deadly. You’ll live longer if you stop eating it but you’ll be lonely without all the friends you bored to death by constantly wilfing on about how you quit.

Scientists are warning today that giving up sugar can lead to dangerous levels of smugness and isolation.

“We’re seeing more and more incidences of someone quitting sugar and then taking to Facebook to continually brag about their achievement and patronisingly urge everyone else to do the same,” said Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest. “The most hopeless cases are also posting lots of selfies with captions like #betterthanever and #postiveaboutme which family and friends find uncomfortable to witness. Especially if up until a few days ago the poster was the sort of person who would frequently try to eat their own body weight in pizza and whose only exercise was brushing their teeth a bit hard.” Continue reading →

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by | February 24, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Trekkie midwife predicts babies won’t be born, but beamed down

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.

It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.

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by | February 19, 2015 · 7:49 am

Tories tackle cheap booze with exclusive A&E cocktail bars

AandE2

“Ice and slice? Or would you prefer a proper anaesthetic?”

Health minister Jeremy Hunt has pledged to tackle ‘cheap booze’, by opening high-end cocktail bars in NHS waiting rooms.

“Cheap alcohol is the bane of our accident and emergency services”, said Hunt. “So we’re going to try and upsell patients to the decent stuff.”

With waiting rooms seen as something of a captive audience, Hunt believes a choice of craft lagers and artisan gins could see hospitals finally turn a profit.

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by | February 16, 2015 · 6:30 am

Skunks banned from UK zoos lest they inspire drug use

937c12fe1c27be948e928a8f479bbea5

“Hungry and homeless, please help”

Theresa May has confirmed this morning that skunks are being kicked out of UK zoos to combat drug use.

“Science has shown that skunk cannabis can have a serious impact on mental health,” said the Home Secretary, as she waved a report that she wouldn’t let anyone else look at properly. “Science! So we’re tackling this problem head on by removing skunks from public view and as a further precaution to address the use of other types of cannabis we’re outlawing corned beef hash plus any vegetarian alternatives bearing the hash name.” Continue reading →

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by | February 11, 2015 · 11:00 am

Deep fried mars bars aren’t bad for you after all, say experts

"My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39"

“My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39”

Warnings that the legendary Scottish delicacy, the deep fried mars bar, was unhealthy were based on flawed evidence and should not have been issued, scientists have said.

An article in the BMJ’s Open Heart journal asserts that advice adopted by authorities in the 1980s was politically motivated and was aimed at stamping out ethnic foods at a time when Scottish nationalism was on the rise.

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by | February 10, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading →

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by | February 3, 2015 · 7:00 am

Avian flu ‘no threat to lizards’, reassure our reptilian overlords

lizard twats

The sum of all fears.

An outbreak of avian flu is unlikely to destabilise the government, according to a report from our cold-blooded masters.

Although it could prove deadly for chickens, lizards are well up the pecking order. The announcement didn’t mention how it might affect those that evolved from puny apes.

“While pandemics can seem scary, I’d like to assure you lesser species that I’ll be fine”, said David Cameron. Nigel Farage licked a broiler in front of the press, to hammer the point home.
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by | February 1, 2015 · 6:35 pm

Health scare at Harold knitting circle as members found to have been sharing needles.

JS23831350

Just say No

Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading →

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by | January 19, 2015 · 7:00 am

Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

huntfingers

‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

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by | January 13, 2015 · 9:00 am

NHS Crisis: Now overstretched hospitals are referring patients to vets

NHS vet

Patients can also choose not to be neutered.

Rather than expose patients to 15 hour waits in beleaguered A&E units, a NHS whistle-blower has revealed that some overstretched hospitals have been referring patients to veterinary practices for more immediate treatment.

Even more embarrassing for the NHS, internal surveys of customer satisfaction have shown that patients would rather return to the vet for further treatment rather than their local hospital.  Continue reading →

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by | January 9, 2015 · 3:35 pm

Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’

hinchinbrooke2

“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]

Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.

The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading →

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by | January 6, 2015 · 7:00 am

Aldi ‘posh’ salmonella chocs ‘should rid store of bourgeois’

aldi aisle

“Clean up in aisle two. Another one’s got in.”

Aldi looks set to finally rid its car parks of Range Rovers, thanks to a range of french-sounding poisonous chocolates.

Choceur Malade, a high-end sweet filled with chunks and a thin green jus, is specifically targeted at ABC1s who spend too long reading wine labels.

“Our store is a ‘volks markt’, we sell burgers in tins, für Gott’s sake”, said store manager Helmut Braun. “We leave posh stuff piled up in the corners as ein trap for red-trousered fops.”
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by | December 26, 2014 · 7:00 am

Christmas Day regrets: millions spend first night with new roll of fat

Charles_Mellin_-_The_Tuscan_General_Alessandro_del_Borro_(-)_-_WGA14768

You, today. Regardless of gender. Black suits you, wear it more often.

Millions of adults across the UK woke up this morning to discover that they had spent their first night with a new roll of fat. The resulting sigh of regret was heard as far away as Berlin with many then raising a hand to their mouths in a gesture of defeat only to find a new chin ghosting under where their jawlines used to be.

“I don’t look at my new fat as the result of monumental self-indulgence,”  said villager Simon Parsons. “It’s my insurance for the future. Have you seen the news lately? I didn’t overeat, I stored vital calories in my nutrition hump. When it all really kicks off they’ll come in handy.”

“I don’t know about no Isis apocalypse or zombie apocalypse or zombie-Isis apocalypse,” Jane Hough told us as she headed down the High Street to buy more food. “I think it’s best to lose the fat and it’s easy. You tell your friends that from now on you’re going to only eat steamed vegetables and do cardio for an hour every day. Think of all the calories everyone’ll burn as you all have a bloody good laugh at the very idea.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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by | December 20, 2014 · 8:00 am

Vending machine firm has ‘best week’ in Britain’s A&Es

empty vend

Fortunately, the machine can still take money from people suffering from concussion.

A company that sells chocolate to people with head injuries is celebrating their ‘best week ever’.

With demand for slightly out-of-date Bounties reaching a peak not seen since last year’s outbreak of the norovirus, Dunstable firm SickSnacks Ltd are looking to projectily increase their coverage.

“The little spiral things in our product dispersal doodads have been empty for days”, bragged Managing Director Derek Fister. “And the recent change to our policy on giving out change is really paying dividends.”

For some people looking to not starve to death while waiting for medical treatment, the firm has literally been a lifeline.
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by | November 19, 2014 · 7:00 am

Hotel hiding from bad publicity is the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL

BROADWAY_HOTEL_BLACKPOOL

That’s the one!!!

The hotel which scandalously charged a couple £100 for leaving critical comments on travel review website Trip Advisor has been named as the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL , it has emerged.

The BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL is so desperate to avoid bad publicity that they have a policy of threatening guests with fines for bad reviews, whether the reviews of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST are true or not.

The terms and conditions on the hotel’s booking form state: “For every bad review left on any website, the group organiser will be charged a maximum £100 per review.”

The hotel, currently rocking a massive two stars on TripAdvisor, apparently has no policy about guests leaving good reviews, presumably because this has never happened.

Trading Standards manager John Greenbank admitted that the policy was certainly an effective way of preventing bad publicity.

“Having to pay a fine will certainly stop guests from leaving bad reviews about TERRIBLE SERVICE AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL,” he commented.

“However, it seems possible that certain other websites run by people who have no intention of staying at the hotel will still be free to comment on the reports of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL, and it’s not impossible that these websites could feature highly in Google’s search results,” he conceded.

The manager of the hotel was not available for comment last night, and was last seen going around frantically trying to buy up the internet.

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by | October 29, 2014 · 11:00 am

Obama calls for ‘care in the community’ for Ebola patients

obama breathes

“What? This old thing? It’s just something I happened to throw on.”

Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.

“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”

“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”

Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
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by | October 24, 2014 · 6:59 am

Government to execute donkey a day until we exercise: obesity crisis solved

pony008

Go for a walk or Hoofs McGee here gets it

A radical solution to the epidemic of obesity that has seen the UK increasingly resemble a badly dressed Moominland comes into force today. For every day that those declared by their doctors to be both fat and lazy refuse to exercise a government appointed executioner will shoot a donkey. Continue reading →

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