Pure, white and deadly. You’ll live longer if you stop eating it but you’ll be lonely without all the friends you bored to death by constantly wilfing on about how you quit.
Scientists are warning today that giving up sugar can lead to dangerous levels of smugness and isolation.
“We’re seeing more and more incidences of someone quitting sugar and then taking to Facebook to continually brag about their achievement and patronisingly urge everyone else to do the same,” said Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest. “The most hopeless cases are also posting lots of selfies with captions like #betterthanever and #postiveaboutme which family and friends find uncomfortable to witness. Especially if up until a few days ago the poster was the sort of person who would frequently try to eat their own body weight in pizza and whose only exercise was brushing their teeth a bit hard.”
“These leads to loneliness as that person is then written off as a bore and not invited down the pub any more as they can’t be trusted not to point out how much sugar is in booze then sip at their tap water with a face smugger than Jeremy Clarkson’s.”
“We would urge people to be sensible about sugar,” she said. “And consume it in moderation. In fact moderation is the answer to most things unless the question is ‘should I post stats from my gym workout/run on Facebook with a comment about how I’m killing it and doing great?’ The answer to that is always no and that no one cares. No one will ever care.”
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