Avian flu ‘no threat to lizards’, reassure our reptilian overlords

lizard twats

The sum of all fears.

An outbreak of avian flu is unlikely to destabilise the government, according to a report from our cold-blooded masters.

Although it could prove deadly for chickens, lizards are well up the pecking order. The announcement didn’t mention how it might affect those that evolved from puny apes.

“While pandemics can seem scary, I’d like to assure you lesser species that I’ll be fine”, said David Cameron. Nigel Farage licked a broiler in front of the press, to hammer the point home.

Our leathery betters haven’t been idle while the disease crisis mounts. Accounts show a record number of warm rocks have recently been sanctioned by NICE.

“They’re renewable and green, and ideal for basking on”, said Green Party leader Natalie Bennett. “Not that I’m one of them. Oh God, release the Ebola chimps, our secret’s out.”

Meanwhile, Ed Miliband was confronted by a snotty chicken while campaigning in Norwich. Miliband wasn’t taken ill, but offered the Nick-footed Clegghorn a job as deputy prime minister if he promised to shut up.

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