PM vows to end NHS in seven days


“Why won’t they work longer hours for less money?” wonders the chillaxing multi-millionaire.

David Cameron will today pledge to destroy the world’s first universal health service and guarantee his City chums “armfuls of dosh from privatisation wherever they are and whenever they need it.”

In his first speech since beating Ed Miliband like a red-headed mule in the general election, the Prime Minister will promise that billions of pounds of tax-payers money will be thrust into fat cats hands now and “for every generation of one percenters to come.”

“There is nothing that embodies the spirit of One Nation falling apart – nothing that working people dread more – than me closing the NHS. We must do so to protect and preserve the values of the Cabinet,” Mr Cameron will say, “to ignore the people, to fill our boots at every opportunity and to then tell anyone who struggles that it is their fault for not working hard enough.”

“I know some of you are uptight about this,” he will acknowledge, “to you I say, relax, stress can be really harmful and you don’t want to get sick. Not unless you can afford to go private anyway.”

William Beveridge is 136 years old.


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