Terrifying, especially if you have to pay an emergency plumber.
Yorkshire tourist board sues makers of ‘Remember Me’ after spate of cancellations
Holiday cottage owners in Scarborough are reporting a ‘flood’ of cancelled bookings, after only the second episode of ‘Remember Me’.
The BBC ghost story has been blamed for an 85% drop in tourism, although sales of enormous sofas to hide behind have risen seven-fold.
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The Force is strong in this one or is it? We’ll find out in 383 days time
The trailer for the new Star Wars film, set like all the others in a sprawling universe populated by humans, aliens, droids and weird little bear things that are inexplicably ace at war, has confused bigoted nerds the world over by featuring actor John Boyega in a Stormtrooper costume. Continue reading
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Americans should unite in protesting the decision not to charge Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson with the shooting of Michael Brown, and the protests should continue ‘forever’, according to Bill Cosby, 77, 6 foot 1, athletic build.
“Whether you are black, or white, whether you are young or old, whether you are in Missouri or California, I urge everybody to honour the memory of Michael Brown by single mindedly protesting this decision for as long as it takes” said Cosby, GSOH.
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May contain crap
Never knowingly underexposed celebrity Kim Kardashian has announced that her next project is to attempt to do mankind’s biggest defecation.
Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114 said the most common reactions to Kim’s recent naked photo shoot was ‘wow, what a massive butt’ and ‘jeez, she is full of crap’, and it was Kim’s own idea to combine the two in the ‘world’s biggest dump’ project.
“Kim is so intelligent to think of the idea, but she is dedicated too. To ensure the success of the project she is even going to eat food” said Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114.
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O’Leary: blandness can be hard to notice.
X-Factor presenter Dermot O’Leary has admitted he is entirely made from Lego.
Persistent rumours on social media have hinted that O’Leary doesn’t have working elbows, and is only capable of one expression.
But while the TV star revealed he was injection-moulded in a factory in Denmark, he insisted he is still ‘perfectly suited’ to hosting ITV’s top show.
“Everybody loves me because I’m so bland and unthreatening”, suggest O’Leary. “And I’m non-toxic, as well as reasonably poseable.”
“You can bend my little legs up and pop me on almost any vehicle you can think of, the only limit is your imagination”, he said. “But if you haven’t got an imagination, you can still put me on X-Factor. I’m perfect for it, because I make the acts and the judges seem more real.”
O’Leary told the press he has been secretly made from Lego for a number of years. At his lowest point, he found himself swapping his head with a Duplo horse, and pretending he was Clare Balding.
“It’s nice to have the truth out there at last”, smiled O’Leary, while holding a big microphone just yards from his face.
“People often suspect celebrities to get up to all sorts when they’re off-camera. But not me! They just take my hair off, and put me in a box.”
However, O’Leary also claimed he wasn’t entirely bland an unthreatening, and he’d been given a warning in the past. “I’ve still got it here, I keep it to remind me. It says ‘Choking hazard, not suitable for 0-3 years’.”
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Will we cope without them? Yes.
ITV has confirmed that it will stop broadcasting after tens of thousands of people signed an online petition calling for it to do so on the grounds that its output is damaging the nation’s IQ. Continue reading
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You can’t all have bloody shot me!
Producers of the forthcoming reboot of the popular soap opera Dallas have revealed that the first season will feature a gripping “Who shot Osama?” storyline.
Details of the plot are being kept closely guarded, but a few tantalising details of the story and characters have leaked out.
Osama Bin Laden is an international terrorist and Texas oilman, the eldest son of the rich Ewing family, a sadistic bully and swindler who captures the hearts of ladies with his devilish charm.
Drinking coffee one night in his darkened compound in Abbottabad, he hears a noise. “Who’s there?” he calls, but his only answer is the arrival of a crack US Navy Seal execution force, who swiftly eliminate him before dumping the body at sea.
Unusually for these stories, the suspects will all claim to have carried out the execution, arguing their case for being the killer in a series of magazine and television interviews.
The suspects will include:
Fans of the original series have been cautious in their reaction to the story leak, with many worried that the whole idea is so ridiculous that no-one could possibly take it seriously, much like the entire US and UK Middle East policy.
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DJ Mike Read has withdrawn his best-selling UKIP Calypso song after recognising it was unlikely to win an award at tonight’s Music Of Black Origin (MOBO) awards.
The song is designed to highlight UKIP’s policies whilst dispelling the accusation that they are in any way racist.
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You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down
U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.
“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading
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“I first realized I was psychic next Monday” ― Dean Cavanagh
Sparkly idiot magnet Sally Morgan took time out from ripping off the credulous and the vulnerable to sack her husband and her son-in-law after they threatened a man handing out leaflets querying whether or not she can actually talk to the dead. Continue reading
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Pre-animation: Simon, Cheryl, Mel and Louis
This weekend’s X-Factor hangs in the balance due to a lack of animators to bring life to Simon Cowell’s and Cheryl’s botox numbed faces. Normally carried out by Wallace and Gromit creators Aardman Animation this highly skilled work is a vital component of the show.
However Aardman are striking for better pay on the grounds that they are not paid enough to have to endure the constant stress of trying to make Simon and Cheryl not look entirely dead behind the eyes. A task which the hard-pressed animators say is beyond even their Oscar-winning talents. Continue reading
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“Don’t be a pr*ck all your life John”
Radio 4 listeners were left confused this morning about who they disliked more, after BBC’s chief-hectorer John Humphrys interviewed famously loud-mouthed former Sex Pistols ‘singer’ John Lydon (aka Johny Rotten).
St Mary’s Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery spoke for many in Harold today.
“I try to listen to the ‘Today’ programme, especially if John Humphrys is on. His wonderfully sneering voice gets me proper fired up for the school day. When I heard that oaf John Lydon was going to be on, I knew it’d be lively and phoned in sick so I wouldn’t miss it. You won’t print any of this stuff will you?”
As anticipated, the interview was heavily edited before transmission but the Evening Harold has seen a small section of the transcript. Continue reading
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Angry Birds publishers Rovio are under fire for implementing the cruellest redundancy package since Bluebeard. The company is laying off a significant proportion of its workforce having over-hired in the belief that people would never tire of their product. Prompting critics to wonder if they’ve ever actually met people and how they’ve failed to notice that we have such short attention spans most of us can’t even be bothered to properly complete our cheese Vietnam L.S Lowry tropical fish… Continue reading
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We’re not plastic surgeons but we’re assuming four would be easier than three. You just divide and conquer, right?
Reacting to the news that a would-be reality TV star in the US is claiming to have had a third breast implanted, Katie Price has declared that she will go further than that and have two more added in order to “protect brand Katie.”
“My tits is the most famous in the world and with four there’ll be so much more to talk about,” she said. “This Jasmine Tridevil can just shut up. Three boobs, bitch please, come back when you’ve got a decent number.” Continue reading
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Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?
The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.
“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading
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Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.
Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.
For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.
But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.
“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
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Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.
Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.
Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
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If you want to succeed in showbiz, kid, you’ll need a whole new image. That Daily Mail sidebar of shame doesn’t fill itself.
Simon Cowell has defended lowering the X-Factor’s age limit to toddlers, denying it’s just an exploitative ratings grab.
“This decision has been made in order to create the best show,” Cowell said, with the air of a man flogging a dead horse at the bottom of a barrel. “Obviously we wouldn’t just let any three year old through. They have to be mentally up for it and talented enough, and also fully toilet trained.” Continue reading
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“I’d’ve shown her the world, as long as it’s on Netflix.”
With the news that the stunningly good looking full time charity workers and occasional movie stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married this weekend the pathetic and lonely have come to realise that they were never in with a chance to begin with. Continue reading
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He won’t be the first professor on the show. Mary Beard is The Stig
The BBC have announced that Richard Dawkins is to join the Top Gear team when the show returns for its new season.
Dawkins, who has this week ignited fresh controversy by saying that a woman who knows her child will be born with Down’s Syndrome would be immoral if she did not abort it, has frequently hit the headlines for making inflammatory statements. In July he said that date rape wasn’t as bad as stranger rape and at Easter tweeted “Hershey’s is far superior to Dairy Milk. Anyone who disagrees should go away and learn how to think.” Continue reading
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