Dallas reboot to run ‘Who shot Osama?’ storyline


You can’t all have bloody shot me!

Producers of the forthcoming reboot of the popular soap opera Dallas have revealed that the first season will feature a gripping “Who shot Osama?” storyline.

Details of the plot are being kept closely guarded, but a few tantalising details of the story and characters have leaked out.

Osama Bin Laden is an international terrorist and Texas oilman, the eldest son of the rich Ewing family, a sadistic bully and swindler who captures the hearts of ladies with his devilish charm.

Drinking coffee one night in his darkened compound in Abbottabad, he hears a noise. “Who’s there?” he calls, but his only answer is the arrival of a crack US Navy Seal execution force, who swiftly eliminate him before dumping the body at sea.

Unusually for these stories, the suspects will all claim to have carried out the execution, arguing their case for being the killer in a series of magazine and television interviews.

The suspects will include:

  • Sue Ellen Bin Laden – Osama’s wife, who Osama had threatened to institutionalize for her alcoholism and secret love of IKEA products;
  • Kristin – Osama’s mistress and Sue Ellen’s sister. Osama broke his promise to marry her and gave her 24 hours to leave town;
  • US Navy Seal Robert ‘Dusty’ O’Neill – reported on television to have died in a plane crash which caused ex-lover and recovering alcoholic Sue Ellen to reach for the bottle the night Osama was shot;
  • US Special Forces operative Matt ‘Bobby’ Bissonnette – Osama’s mild-mannered brother, fed up with Osama’s handling of international jihad and slights to Bobby’s wife. Will return unexpectedly in season two, in a shower;
  • Cliff Barnes –  Osama’s brother-in-law (through his sister’s marriage to Bobby) and business rival: His father Digger Barnes was swindled by Osama’s father Jock Bin Laden out of his half of their combined oil company;
  • ‘Hissing Sid’ – fictional snake and villain of 1980 hit single “Captain Beaky” – not entirely clear how this character will fit into the main storyline;
  • ‘Tony’ Blair – non-fictional snake and villain of 2003 hit single “Captain War Criminal” – obvious bad guy, stereotypical pantomime evil character, unpopular.

Fans of the original series have been cautious in their reaction to the story leak, with many worried that the whole idea is so ridiculous that no-one could possibly take it seriously, much like the entire US and UK Middle East policy.

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