Joan Rivers to be broken up and recycled after plastic surgeons finally give up

Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.

Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.

Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’

Tributes to the pioneering Rivers have been flooding in.

“Some parts of her were in their eighties, her tits were in their forties and her politics were in the fifties”, said her Palestinian plastic surgeon. ”In the trade she was known as ‘Joan Rivets!’”

“Rivers made her name being controversial which everyone loved at first” said noted Harold comedy critic, Miles Anour, in a rare serious moment, “but they fell out of love with her when she was controversial about subjects that were already controversial like Gaza, the Holocaust or more importantly, Adele’s weight problems.”

The final arrangements for the distribution of Ms Rivers body components have yet to be finalised, but it is hoped that her neck will be donated to the turtle sanctuary which would be rather fitting according to Anour who commented “She was never afraid to stick her neck out.”

Joan Collins has inherited the title of world’s oldest twentysomething.