Category Archives: Around Harold

Soldiers to be fast-tracked as teachers: new curriculum to include alcoholism, homelessness and domestic violence

Class 11C are about to get a hell of a shock.

Class 11C are about to get a hell of a shock.

The government has announced that from next year it will be fast-tracking soldiers without degrees into the nation’s state schools thanks to special courses that will allow soldiers to qualify as teachers in half the time that it normally takes. However head teachers are raising concerns about the suitability of ex-squaddies to teach and the curriculum changes that will have to be made in order to accommodate their expertise.

“It’s all right for David Laws to say ‘many members of our inspiring armed forces possess the skills and expertise relevant and transferable to the classroom – leadership, discipline, motivation and teamwork’ ” said Clive Morris head teacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive). “But once people leave the army all that tends to go out of the window and so we will have a generation of new teachers best suited to teaching alcoholism, homelessness, suicide, committing violent crimes, mental illness and domestic violence. All of which occur in disproportionately high numbers amongst ex-armed forces personnel.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Politics

Cod stocks ‘recovering’ claim marine experts

codstocks

Sod this for a game of soldiers.

Harold village’s famous medieval “Cod Stocks”, which have been used for centuries to shame unruly fish, are well on the road to recovery after years of decline, fish experts have revealed. The stocks were introduced to the village by local landowner Harold du Boeuf on his return from the ninth crusade against Iceland in 1598, and were used to punish deviant mackerel until the great influx of refugee cod from the Spanish Inquisition changed the local marine ecology forever.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime

Villagers claim ’11 speed limits is too many’

road signs

PC Flegg claims series of limits gave a ‘gentle transition to safety’. Cllr Ronsson, however, was furious. “I lost my licence in the space of just 20 yards: 45 in a 40, 44 in a 39, 43 in a 38…what makes it worse was she was just holding a hair dryer.’

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Filed under Around Harold

Fight Club closes due to lack of publicity

fight_clubAn underground Fight Club has closed after being unable to attract new members due to overly restrictive publicity rules. Fight Club founder Dominic Delaney said, with the benefit of hindsight, the club which operated from the basement of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms should have been a bit more open.

“The first rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. In fact rules 3 through 10 were – you do not talk about Fight Club. No wonder hardly anyone turned up.”

Mr Delaney, who was able to talk openly as the club’s closure meant he was no longer bound by the strict secrecy rules, said that at its height, Fight Club had six members who regularly turned up to the Squirrel Licker’s basement to beat the living shit out of each other, and share gardening tips.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture

Teen caught hiring himself out to families who want to cut theme park queues

How much would you pay to avoid hours of this?

Harold teenager and wheelchair user Simon Delaney, 17, has been banned from Chronicles of Narnia inspired theme park Six Beavers over Dunstable after it emerged that he had been hiring himself out to families who didn’t want to queue up for rides having copied the idea from news reports about similar scams happening at Disneyland in Florida.

“At Six Beavers visitors who use mobility aides such as wheelchairs or motorised scooters can use an alternate entrance to some rides and every so often we stop the main queue to allow them onto the ride itself,” said a spokesperson for the park. “And this young man has been wholeheartedly abusing that scheme.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News

Prescription self-help books blamed for 4-hour wait at library

library

Queuing for Dummies (by Doctor Evans)

The latest attempt by GPs to avoid doing any work is causing massive delays at local libraries.

With the A&E department at Dunstable hospital already full to capacity, local quack Dr Evans is urging would-be patients to ‘read a book’, instead of bothering a proper health professional.

“It’s not my fault people get ill outside office hours”, suggested Evans. “It would help me enormously if they would only get sick between 10.30am and 3.30 pm, or before 1pm on a Wednesday.

“But while I sympathise with those who say I spend all my time on the golf course, they might first consider ‘would I be better off in the library?'”

Thanks to a new national initiative, Doctor Evans can now prescribe people ‘self-help’ books which are available from all good librarians. “For a simple £7.85 prescription, they can pick up something I heartily recommend”, said Evans. “Preferably something quite long, that will take ages to finish.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Dr. Evans' Casebook, News

Players of Tory Bingo get ready to call house

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.

“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Tourette’s Convention ends in chaos after outbreak of pleasantries

Gordon RamsayThe inaugural Gordon Ramsay International Tourette’s Convention in Harold came to a premature end when the lunch descended into chaos after an outbreak of pleasantries.

Convention organiser Mike Hunt said it was bl**dy disappointing that convention delegates would behave like f**king 40 year olds. “You’d think in this f**king day and age that people could resolve their f**king differences without resorting to polite language and pleasantries.”

The trouble started after Gordon Ramsay hosted a lively pre-lunch panel debate over whether “feck” was a swear word. “Things were going perfectly f**king vitriolicly” cursed Mr Hunt. “There were the usual ripostes – one side said ‘of course feck is a fecking swear work’ while the other side replied ‘no it is f**king not’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Felching Bumsquats, science

Know your limits – the danger of binge Facebook sharing

Just say no

Just say no

The serious social issue of binge Facebook sharing has reached epidemic proportions, with some people over-indulging so much that they spend almost the entire weekend in a kitten-photo induced coma.

The problem is again in the spotlight after a weekend when the Harold Accident and Emergency department was overwhelmed with binge Facebookers after they had shared one chain horse meat joke too many and had friends come round and punch their lights out.

Dunstable University social media expert Professor Luke Thorne pointed out that mild Facebook sharing wasn’t a problem, but overindulgence was.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Technology

Man joins English Defence League: disappointed by spelling

Makes "you're teeth", itch. Do'nt it?

Makes “you’re teeth”, itch. Do’nt it?

Harold man, Col. Thomas Hallet, today spoke of his disappointment on joining the English Defence League and discovering that the promotion and preservation of the correct use of the English language was the last thing on their minds.

“I happened to be in Dunstable last week and I popped into a pub I’d never been in before which turned out to be rather insalubrious but I thought I’d have a quick pint while I waited for my good lady wife to finish buying whatever women’s things she feels it necessary to procure from the town.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Opposition grows to intensive Panda farm

panda

Abattoir workers lure in a panda with scampi nik-naks and half a Bulmers

One farmer’s move into the lucrative ‘exotic meats’ market has drawn crowds of protesters to the village.

With people growing bored with eating cows, pigs and baby baa-lambs, market prices have seen a corresponding tumble. But thanks to local farmer Phil Evans’ efforts to intensively rear pandas, Harold’s gourmands have something new to chew over.

First-time visitors to Harold might not notice the food revolution straight away, but they’ll soon get the gist from the angry placards, and chants for Evans’ blood.

“From a distance, pandas do look a bit like stumpy, fat heifers”, explained Evans. “But look more closely, and you’ll notice that they’re useless, lazy twats.”

Evans faced a number of hurdles before he could get his herd ‘up and running’, although after a couple of days he gave up on that approach and now leaves them laying around, chewing sticks.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Farming

Highways Agency hands over roadworks planning to ‘fairly thick monkey’

conage

Always watching, always alert, always ready to pelt motorists with faeces

The Highways Agency has announced that it will employ a team of brain-damaged monkeys to take on responsibility for organising maintenance of Britain’s motorway network, a move expected to greatly improve the planning of roadworks. The announcement comes after red-faced officials realised that they had accidentally closed every road out of Birmingham at the same time for three whole days without giving any warning.

‘An angry motorist called us to complain that he had ran out of petrol on his third lap of the city of Birmingham, after moving from one diversion to another and finding every road out was closed.” said a spokesman, who also confirmed that the man had been fined £60 for using a handheld mobile phone while driving, despite being in a stationary vehicle.
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Filed under Around Harold, News

Local Teen wins Wet T-shirt Contest

Katherine's winning T-shirt

Katherine’s winning T-shirt

Harold teenager Katherine Hallet, 16, took home the top prize at the Dunstable wet T-shirt competition this weekend, beating out competitors in a very strong field, which included professionals from throughout the region.

Katherine’s T-shirt, featuring a Sponge-Bob Square Pants design, had been soaked overnight in brine, before being presented in a Tesco bag-for-life. Judges praised the Katherine for the nod to sustainability in her choice of bag, and made special mention of the sheer volume of moisture the shirt had absorbed.

Second prize went to octogenarian Ruby Butler for her cider and urine saturated M&S pure cotton scoop-necked indigo T-shirt, while third place went to Harold Thursday star striker Luis Nutter, for his sweat and rain soaked white Nike tee that he had left in his locker since his ban for a minor cannibalism incident began last month. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Fashion, News

School defends decision to have sixth form trip to Skyrim

Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.

Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.

Clive Morris, headteacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive), has defended the school’s decision to replace the annual sixth form residential trip with a week playing Skyrim the phenomenally popular PC and console game.

“School trips have changed beyond recognition over the last ten years,” he said. “In my day you were abandoned to a random family in a crappy French town no more than an hour from the nearest ferryport where you spent the whole week hating the food and fancying a hairy French lass then returned home with a bag full of Hollywood chewing gun and a flick knife. This will no longer do and besides which HSFAIAH has been banned from all international ports in the UK for some years now.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Education, science

A ‘Divine’ New Look

Vegetable

Vegetable

Hello my darling Haroldites!!

Now, I know you’re all used to Pippa popping up on a Monday to brighten your post-weekend blues, and that a Thursday offering may just discombobulate you all, but I have some wonderful, wonderful news to share with you all.

Some of you may recall that just the other week, I gave an interview to one of my fellow Evening Harold reporters following the release of Dan Brown’s book about the divine Dante and the installation in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! of a fabulous red cup, which we hope, will bring famous men to the village to look at.

Well, as a result of that I decided that a little bit of a remodel and makeover of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! would be rather fitting, and hopefully create some intellectual stimulus for our patrons.

It may have come to your attention while you’ve been blatantly avoiding walking past visiting my lovely little café that some subtle changes have been gradually taking place, and that Dom, Melanie and myself have been working hard into the night after we close to customers.  (Simon did offer to help with the painting, but as talented as darling Simon is, I don’t think his particular artistry is entirely appropriate.)

floor copy

 

Well, tomorrow all will be unveiled in our little café, but for now I’ll give you just a little sneak peek!

(I do so hope the Rev. Tansy doesn’t disapprove of yet another sodding thing!)

Pippa X 

 

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Council announces plan to put village on the happiness standard

Is this image better for you than money?

Is the mirth of this image better for you than money?

Returning from a controversial fact-finding tour to the Kingdom of Bhutan, Councillor Ron Ronsson has announced that Harold’s council intend to put it on the happiness standard.

“I know some of you felt that it wasn’t right for a senior member of the council and his wife, his brother-in-law, his daughter and her partner to spend two weeks in Thimphu at the council’s expense but this was a necessary trip that will change Harold as we know it.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Vikings

Daily Mail to back gay marriage after realising it will improve house prices

Who wouldn't want to live next door to Biggins? He's lovely.

Who wouldn’t want to live next door to Biggins? He’s lovely.

The Daily Mail notorious for its homophobic editorials and columnists is set to reverse its stance on gay marriage after realising that it will improve house prices in the UK.

“It’s a well known industry fact,” said Harold estate agent, Gill Gates. “Gay people actively improve neighbourhoods and drive up house prices as more and more people realise that instead of living next-door to Terry and Stacey, their six kids and a rottweiller they can be next to two married guys with an adorable kitten.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Folk scene hails Seth Barley, and instrument made from own lung

seth

Seth is as critically acclaimed as he is critically injured.

England’s blossoming folk scene is hailing a new hero, who has revolutionised traditional music by making an instrument from his own vital organs.

‘Seth Barley And His Musical Lung’ is selling out cow sheds across the country, and causing a headache for paramedics without satnav.

“I wanted to sing from the heart”, explained Seth, “but the risk of infection ruled that out.” Happily, after drilling three hand-turned wooden valves into his left lung during a dry-stone walling accident, Seth discovered that he had a new way of getting things off his chest.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Showbusiness

Asylum seeker demands right to be moody shambles

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.

An asylum seeker in Harold is demanding the right to be as moody and shambolic as the rest of the village. Ceaserina Okereke is seeking to put an end to stereotypes and have other Haroldites recognise that she is a confused mess who vaguely wonders what the purpose of it all is just like everyone else.

“People comment on how I’m always bright and happy as if that’s some trait every African woman has. Or if I’m feeling down and the kids are playing up then I’m a stern disciplinarian who is culturally unable to nurture and indulge her children. There is more to my thoughts and feelings than where I’m from or the colour of my skin.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Villagers raise objections to ‘High Speed Bus 2’

High Speed Bus 2 'fucking stupid' claim residents

High Speed Bus 2 ‘fucking stupid’ claim residents

People in Harold have raised several objections to a high-speed bus route that will pass through the village.

‘High Speed Bus 2’ is intended to be a replacement for the original HSB, which was written off after supposedly sliding on discarded kebab meat. Remnants of that project can still be seen in a ditch just outside Harold, the coachwork heavily peppered with buck shot. Accident investigators are still divided on the incident.

“Harold doesn’t need a slightly faster bus service”, insisted Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Particularly as the bloody thing won’t even stop here.” Connecting the hamlet of Felching to the bus depot in Dunstable, Ronsson claims the case for a 3,000 horsepower bus is yet to be made.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, science