Category Archives: Around Harold

by | December 8, 2013 · 9:08 pm

Derek Acorah crash ‘blamed on spirits’

acorahnsx

Psychic is now considering an Acorah NSX.

Self-confessed TV psychic Derek Acorah has been charged with careless driving and failing to provide a breath specimen, after crashing half a mile from Harold’s popular Squirrel Lickers Arms.

Acorah was arrested at the scene by PC Anita Flegg who had followed the celebrity after he left the Squirrel Lickers’ monthly Frog Sandwich & Pernod Absinthe night.

According to an onlooker at the scene, Acorah asked Flegg if they’d met previously, before announcing ‘I’m getting something… it’s the driver of a Ford Ka… He says ‘iiiit waaas aaaaalll myyy faaaault, you caaaan let Mister Acorah goooo’. “Then the bloke from the ambulance announced that he wasn’t dead, just concussed”, explained Acorah. “There’s always one in the audience who plays up.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Changes to retirement age welcomed by Office Commode Industry

commode

Office commode offers genuine alternative to self-soiling.

A firm in Harold that produces ergonomic, swivel commodes is increasing production, to meet the demands of an  ever-rising retirement age.

‘Sit n’ Swivel’, Harold’s oldest commode manufacturer, is taking on two new members of staff to meet their new targets. Elsie Duggan, 86 and Harry Jones, 74, have been turfed out of the ‘Over The Hill’ retirement home and put on zero hour contracts to bolster the firm’s output.

“An ageing workforce offers some unique challenges”, explained factory owner Roland Ronsson. “But it’s better than getting teenagers in, because they complain when we put Radio 2 on.”

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by | December 4, 2013 · 7:00 am

Balaclava-clad English Defence League supporters protest against veils

'Irony' is when mum presses my t-shirt

‘Irony’ is when mum presses my t-shirt

Scores of balaclava-clad English Defence League (“EDL”) supporters converged in Harold town centre overnight to protest against Muslims wearing veils.

“Them Muslims should be banned from wearing veils – they shouldn’t be allowed to hide their faces” said Gavin, an EDL supporter who wouldn’t give his last name.

“Muslims go home – England for the Polish” shouted Jerzey “Smith”, a carpenter from Essex.

Other EDL members just tried to stare threateningly but soon gave up when local children mistook them for clowns.
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by | December 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

‘Greenwash’ claims over double-glazed pint glasses

ecopint

Landlord insists ‘ecopint’ is at least as efficient as windfarms.

A local pub landlord has been accused of misusing a green energy grant, after spending the entire budget on double-glazed pint glasses.

Eddie the barman at the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been charged with ‘greenwash’ by a group of thirsty environmentalists. The same group has also raised doubts over the accuracy of the energy labels adorning his beer pumps, and criticised a ‘green levy’ on so-called ‘hippy sh*t’ on the jukebox.
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by | · 11:00 am

Tom Daley posters now on 100% of UK teenager’s bedroom walls

tom-daleyTom Daley’s announcement that ‘right now I’m dating a guy’ while also clarifying ‘I still fancy girls’ has ensured that every UK teenager now has a Tom Daley poster on their bedroom wall.

“I’ve loved Tom since he was in short trousers, well he’s still in short trousers” said Melanie Delaney, aged 19 from Harold. “I’m just so relieved that Tom is only dating that guy ‘right now’. As soon as Tom gives him the flick, I’ve got a really good chance as he’s made it clear he ‘still fancies girls’.”

Melanie’s brother, Simon Delaney aged 16, was full of excitement as he stuck his first Tom Daley poster to his wall. “I’ve always known I was gay and I can’t wait to meet Tom as soon as he finishes with the guy he is with ‘right now’.”
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by | December 1, 2013 · 2:05 pm

Sharp rise in wardrobe damage as desperate Brits try to get to Narnia

narniawardrobe

We’ll go through but only if there’s a Nando’s on the other side.

There has been a sharp rise in wardrobe damage across the country as desperate Britons try to get to Narnia in order to seek asylum from the coalition government. A political regime that many are describing as ‘a bit rubbish’.

Narnian immigration spokesanimal Mrs Beaver said that she was baffled by the sudden enthusiasm for her country. Continue reading →

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by | November 29, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Protected status sought for Harold Frog Sandwich

frogsandwich

Harold Frog Sandwich has ‘spawned’ imitators.

A campaign has been launched in the village of Harold, to seek EC recognition for their traditional frog sandwich.

But Residents of the nearby village of Drone! – regarded by generations of Haroldites as their rivals and inferiors –  insist the snack is a pale imitation of their own signature dish, the marginally bulkier Drone! Toad Panini.

Harold councillor Ron Ronnson dismissed such claims, and called on Drone! to ‘eat up or put up’.

“If anything, Drone! blatantly copied us”, insisted Ronnson. “Those buggers are always trying to cause trouble. They only added the exclamation mark to their name to make the place seem more interesting. But let me tell you: no self-respecting frog would find itself dead being eaten in Drone!.”
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by | · 11:00 am

Police warning over sinister clowns giving speeches

clownjohnson

Something wicked this way comes.

Police are today advising members of the public to ignore men who look like clowns and spout nonsense: a sinister anti-social trend which seems to be growing.

Recently there have been several reports of clowns lurking on the national stage and trying to scare onlookers by babbling about IQ levels, the welfare system and how the NHS is safe in their hands. While no one has been hurt so far there is concern that they could become violent, with rumours that they are constructing huge circus tents in remote locations and herding people under a certain income/standard of health/intelligence level into them for reasons which have yet to be fully understood remaining unconfirmed but persistent.  Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Human civet coffee on sale for first time at Christmas Fayre

Mocha Regrets

Mocha Regrets

Harold’s annual Christmas Fayre will be held at the weekend and promises to be another exciting occasion.

The sensation of last year’s event was Mavis Bottomley’s Nettle & Blackcurrant Jelly which she later revealed had been strained through a vintage pair underpants belonging to her husband, Ted, to “obtain that unique earthy flavour”.

This year the couple have had a crack at producing their own human civet coffee. “Initially we tried enlisting the assistance of the cat, but eventually Ted threw his hat into the ring and we started production,” said Mavis.

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by | November 28, 2013 · 11:00 am

5-day search ends as missing shopping trolley found dead in village stream

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The search for a missing shopping trolley from Dunstable came to a tragic end yesterday when it was found dead in a stream in the nearby village of Harold.

PC Flegg said: “The trolley was found by a local man walking his badger. At this point we’re not sure how the trolley ended up in the stream, but early indications are it was pushed. We are ruling out any sort of mugging as the trolley was found to still have all its money on it, £1 in a slot on the handle. Its next of kin has been informed.”

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by | November 26, 2013 · 11:00 am

Revealed: Cicada 3301 code is recruitment ad for barmaid

cyphersquirrel

£4 per hour plus tips, must have nice norks.

An almost impossibly cryptic internet puzzle that has taken the world by storm has finally been traced to a local pub in Harold.

‘Cicada 3301’, a series of mathematical and literary puzzles that is impenetrable to all but the brightest minds, was set up by a barman called Eddie in an attempt to find a capable barmaid.

Locals at the Squirrel Lickers Arms have grown used to incompetent and surly service. But the ever-resourceful and odd-smelling proprietor,  Eddie, decided to mount his own recruitment drive after yet another useless agency worker failed to live up to his admittedly low standards.
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by | · 7:00 am

All back to mine. Door-to-door sales people forced by law to give out home addresses

door to door sales4

Learn some respect, young man: Hattie was an SOE agent. In ten seconds that folder is going somewhere exceptionally violent and unexpected.

Harold council’s new law which forces door-to-door salespeople to give their private addresses out to each person they call on has been met with near unanimous approval.

“It’s great,” enthused mechanic Sean Pavey. “Now whenever I get disturbed by one of these fake-grin wearing predators I take their address and wait. I find knocking on their doors around sevenish gives me a good chance of disturbing them eating or just starting to relax after a long day.” Continue reading →

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by | November 21, 2013 · 11:00 am

Mensa open up membership to highly attractive simpletons

mensalogoIn a move variously stated as being ‘inclusive’ or ‘desperate’, Mensa announced the creation of an associate member category called ‘Lensa’ based on looks rather than IQ. The new Lensa category is open to people who are in the 98th percentile of physical attractiveness regardless of whether they can recite Pi to 10 places or not.

Mensa spokesman Ethan Evans from Harold said that opening up membership was necessary to address the problem that none of the existing members were getting it on with each other.
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by | November 20, 2013 · 7:00 am

Potato found in field near Harold

spudfield

Potato ‘undressed me with his eyes’ claimed Jane Fondant.

There was much excitement in Harold today following local tramp John Horse’s lucky find of a solitary late-season King Edward in a field on the outskirts of the village.

“We had a long chat about the England back four,” said Horse, “and shared a couple of jokes about Rio Ferdinand before I realised I was dealing with an organism with far more intelligence than any English footballer.  So I popped ’im in me pocket.”

Horse successfully fought off an imaginary mob of ‘bastard thieving scavengers’ clearly intent on snatching the precious vegetable from his grasp as he made his way along the central reservation of Chiggley Moor Lane, finally reaching the sanctuary of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
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by | November 19, 2013 · 11:00 am

Harold fails in bid for Blue Flag Award for third year running

harold beach party

Brown, sticky and foul-smelling, Harold hopes to compete with Southend-on-Sea.

A meeting of the culture and amenities sub-committee in Harold has expressed disappointment over the village’s failure to win a coveted Blue Flag Award for the third year in a row.

The rejection email cited ‘poor water quality, a general lack of ice-cream kiosks, bucket-and-spade retailers and lifeboats.  Oh, and not being located at the seaside.’

But, rather than just record ‘downhearted’ in the minutes, the committee used positive thinking and came up with a proposal to give Harold a better chance of getting a Blue Flag next year.
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by | November 18, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Get a vajazzle like a DualShock controller: women advised ahead of PS4 launch

SonyDualShock_4

The Sony PlayStation 4 DualShock controller. Sexy.

A Harold hair salon and beauty spa, Sally’z Cut’z, has come up with some interesting advice for women who are afraid that they will be ignored once their partners get their hands on the new PlayStation 4 games console. “Have an X, a Y, a circle and a triangle tastefully added to your Dame Anna Neagle, girls,” said owner Sally Lloyd, “and he’ll turn his back on Call of Duty: Ghosts and be pressing your new pink button faster than you can say ultra-responsive thumb stick.” Continue reading →

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by | November 17, 2013 · 8:00 am

Student at the ‘University of Life’ to take a gap year

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After 37 years at the University of Life, Jon Sanders from Harold has decided to take a gap year to ‘enlighten his life’ by completing a law course at Dunstable University.

Mr Sanders has been a proud student at the University of Life since leaving school at 14, a fact he talks about with the pride, enthusiasm and smugness of an Oxbridge graduate.

“I was never the ‘academic type’,” Mr Sanders explained, “which would normally lead people towards art college or a media studies degree, but I decided to do all my learning in the real world.”

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by | November 16, 2013 · 1:35 pm

‘Butter up your elderly relatives in time for Christmas’, says Prince Charles

queenBanquet

I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?

Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.

Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.

While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.
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by | November 13, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘Win-win’ as clinic offers man-boob removal and female breast enlargement

sexy brenda

Eddie’s moobs found a good home with Brenda

A local plastic surgery clinic has gained worldwide attention for its novel idea of offering both man boob removals and female breast enlargements. The clinic run by Harold doctor Clive Evans has already conducted man boob transplants for over 100 happy customers, and is a finalist in the UK Innovation Awards.

Like all good ideas, it seems surprising that nobody thought of moob transplants before. Dr Evans said he had his “eureka” moment when he and ex-wife Sally were on holiday in Marbella and they saw all the buff men and buxom women on the beach. “Sally said we have got things the wrong way round – she was flat-chested and I had double D cups” said Dr Evans. “So I said why don’t we swap?”
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by | November 12, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Surprise on the High Street as Eton College starts chugging

chugger1

Chuggers: their vision is based on movement. Stay very still and they won’t spot you.

There was surprise on Harold’s High Street this morning when chuggers arrived not to raise money for charities that help those most in need but for Eton College the public school which currently charges £30,000 a year in fees plus many thousands in extras.

“I was confused about why they needed more money,” said shopper Geraldine Forster, “but then a terribly happy young man with a clipboard told me that independent schools are charities just like Children in Need and in many ways their pupils are children in need. They need golf courses, beagle packs, school trips to Pago Pago that sort of thing.” Continue reading →

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