Sharp rise in wardrobe damage as desperate Brits try to get to Narnia


We’ll go through but only if there’s a Nando’s on the other side.

There has been a sharp rise in wardrobe damage across the country as desperate Britons try to get to Narnia in order to seek asylum from the coalition government. A political regime that many are describing as ‘a bit rubbish’.

Narnian immigration spokesanimal Mrs Beaver said that she was baffled by the sudden enthusiasm for her country.

“You do know that we’re in the grip of a civil war, don’t you?” she said. “We’re ruled by a Turkish delight obsessed absolute dictator who can turn people into stone and oppressed by a secret police force headed by a psychopathic wolf.”

For most Britons the response to this seems to be ‘fair enough as long as you don’t have I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here or ridiculously expensive parking then I’m in’ a sentiment that is certainly endorsed in Harold.

“Yeah I’ve heard that Narnia’s cold and violent,” Andy, curate at St Paul’s told us as he pushed back a rail of cassocks and pounded on the back of  the vestry wardrobe which already has several fist sized dents in it. “But their government is honest. The White Witch is completely upfront about ruining lives and taking all the best stuff for herself and her cronies. At least she doesn’t bray in people’s faces that it’s happening because they didn’t work hard enough.”

“I’m going for the food,” said Heather Stuart, who is currently one of over sixty thousand Britons relying on food banks and frequently has to chose between eating meals or heating her home. “According to The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe in Narnia they eat every five minutes. No one seems to be able to do anything without at least buttering a crumpet. That’s my kind of place.”

The number of wardrobe based attempted emigrations is set to increase even further as advent continues and panicking shoppers suddenly want very much to be in a land where it is always winter but never Christmas.


Filed under Around Harold

9 Responses to Sharp rise in wardrobe damage as desperate Brits try to get to Narnia

  1. Is there a travel agency to book through? My wardrobes are all of the built-in variety. ;)x

  2. I want to go, but we have a solid Oak Wardrobe so I guess I will be out of luck then?

  3. Are heating costs cheaper there as well?

  4. Reblogged this on SUBVERSIONfactory and commented:
    push past the coats….

  5. Our wardrobe has slatted doors. Could that cause an issue with snow drifts building up in our bedroom here?

  6. Does this work for American wardrobes, or only British ones? We have mostly the same problems over here.

  7. Ha. Excellent. Starting at the age of 7 I also was banging on the back of our wardrobe to get there.

    • I say forget the wardrobes, you’re just banging your head, etc, Try hanging around on a disused platform somewhere and wait for a gust of wind. Preferably platform 10 3/4 and you might have more luck.

  8. Maybe modern life just isn’t worth living, hence the need for escapism into medievalist fantasy: a time when there at least actually was something to live for, whether good or bad. Many have criticized this escapism without considering whether it might actually be a valid response (or even the only valid response) to present historic, sociopolitical conditions.