A new ‘smart’ watch from Apple that harnesses kinetic energy from frenetic hand movements stops functioning ‘the moment you stop abusing yourself’, according to reports.
Apple claims that the tiny device has a standby time ‘over 25 seconds’, but some testers have found it to be less than ‘half a stroke’ in practice.
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With the negotiations about a TV debate now more complex than the F1 rule book, politicians have been forced to seek sponsorship.
A particularly shiny PM was wheeled out to waiting fans, who couldn’t wait to tweet his new livery and nose around his rear. A precocious splitter was spotted, later identified as rival Nigel Farage, resplendent in traditional British Racist Green. Farage then held proceedings up braying about how nothing on earth would make him take ‘a Pole position’.
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.
A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.
“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.
“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”
“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
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Despite setback, Bennett vowed to continue her work as a wind-up merchant.
Green Party leader Natalie Bennett has apologised for a low-energy interview, and laid the blame on a carbon-neutral microphone.
“When I agreed to be interviewed on the radio, I insisted that they use our own, planet-friendly equipment”, explained Bennett. “It isn’t quite 230 volts but I told them it doesn’t matter because my voice is quite shrill.”
A sound engineer from LBC told us he was rather taken aback by the clockwork equipment.
“When she handed me the microphone, I said ‘is this a wind up?’ She said it was, and demonstrated how to turn the handle.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Miliband also works evenings as a coat rack.
Ed Miliband has admitted to subsidising his income, while crossing the road outside his house for a modest salary.
Despite living miles from a school, Mr Miliband proudly dons his hi-viz uniform each morning, grabs his lollipop and goes out to play in the traffic.
“It’s not reasonable to expect me to survive on the minimum wage”, claimed Miliband as he lunged at a truck. “Which is why normal, everyday people, people such as myself, have to take on a second job as leader of the opposition.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
“Ice and slice? Or would you prefer a proper anaesthetic?”
Health minister Jeremy Hunt has pledged to tackle ‘cheap booze’, by opening high-end cocktail bars in NHS waiting rooms.
“Cheap alcohol is the bane of our accident and emergency services”, said Hunt. “So we’re going to try and upsell patients to the decent stuff.”
With waiting rooms seen as something of a captive audience, Hunt believes a choice of craft lagers and artisan gins could see hospitals finally turn a profit.
Cigarettes are perfect with strong lager.
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Filed under Uncategorized
Do you mind if I make a sandwich?
With a much-anticipated film about sexy times about to be released in cinemas, the Evening Harold presents a list of phrases to avoid in the bedroom
‘This would be better with swans’
‘Ooh, you make me want to perform a vile sex act’
‘do it, or I will muck you’
‘phew! This is tiring’
‘Now then, now then, guys and gals’
‘Your sister wasn’t this good’
‘I can’t tie knots, so is it OK if I just paralyse you?’
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment
Rooney is on a roll.
Sir Richard Branson has stolen a lead on media rivals, after securing exclusive rights to the footballers’ leavings.
“Laying a cable is something our firm was founded on”, said Branson. “We promise our viewers they’ll see every juddering headshaker, every sweating push, and all in slow motions.”
With watching actual football now deemed way beyond even a billionaire’s pockets, Branson admitted he himself could no longer afford to watch The Beautiful Game.
“Rather than settle for rights to the likes of Hartlepool United or any of the other ‘bottom’ clubs, we’ve thought ‘outside the box’and secured exclusive footage straight from the tunnel.”
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A post office in Harold is under imminent threat of closure – at least if the neighbours have their say.
Long a magnet to fat, sweet-craving children and people with inconclusively sized envelopes, the post office has been a thorn in the side of the local community for years.
“Some days, you can’t move for the queue of two or three pensioners bickering over who’s knees hurt the most”, complained farmer Dave Evans. “I have to threaten them with a muck thrower just to get to the e-cig shop.”
A detached dwelling with three bedrooms, the post office is located centrally in the village: a village with precious little housing for young families.
“That’s why it should become an estate agents”, said Evans. “They could then sell the post box to a bunch of twats from London. Once they’ve moved in, I can sell them organic sausages for 30 quid each.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business
Customers ‘left stunned’ – unlike the animals.
A veterinary surgery that claims to follow halal practices has drawn protests in the village of Harold.
Following guidelines for animal welfare dictated by an angel some 1,400 years ago, the Jamuh Haariat practice treats a range of ailments using only a sharp knife.
“While we could use an anaesthetic, that isn’t specifically mentioned in the Quran”, explained Dr Haariat. “That either means they weren’t invented then, or more likely, Allah forbids them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food, Medicine
The sum of all fears.
An outbreak of avian flu is unlikely to destabilise the government, according to a report from our cold-blooded masters.
Although it could prove deadly for chickens, lizards are well up the pecking order. The announcement didn’t mention how it might affect those that evolved from puny apes.
“While pandemics can seem scary, I’d like to assure you lesser species that I’ll be fine”, said David Cameron. Nigel Farage licked a broiler in front of the press, to hammer the point home.
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Filed under Election 2015, Health, Politics
They’re called ‘desks’, and the best establishments tend to use a Writing Swan.
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A show trial could restore the public’s confidence in politicians.
The postponing of an irrelevant report about notorious murderer Tony Blair has delayed his hanging until May.
With the rope already ordered and a gibbet in Westminster booked for the bank holiday, the act of justice will take place shortly after the general election.
“The Chilcot Enquiry was set up to see just how guilty this psychotic warmonger is”, said a spokesman for the Home Office.
“But so far, the author hasn’t found the words. ‘Very’ doesn’t cut it all, and neither does ‘really, really properly’. Hopefully by April, he’ll have come up with something along the lines of ‘as f**k’.”
It’s expected that certain information will be redacted from the report, such as Tony Blair’s name, some key dates and all the facts. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Election 2015, Politics
Little ray of sunshine – Choudary takes jollity to extremes.
A radical cleric, who’s job is to think so that others don’t have to, has finally thought of something nice to say.
“I’m tweeting like a happy robin, the weather is beautiful today”, wrote extremist Anjem Choudary. “It’s the sort of day that makes you feel glad to be alive, and to contemplate allowing others to remain so.”
Little is known about the cause of Choudary’s uncharacteristic outburst, but there are rumours that he read a syrupy Facebook meme.
“If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, he told his followers. “I’m going to say one lovely thing a day for the whole of this week.”
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Filed under Politics, Social media
A pub has been sent a winter fuel allowance, which was intended for the heir to the throne.
The Prince of Wales hostelry received a cheque made out to ‘HRH Prince Charles’, to cover his not inconsiderate energy bills.
“I guess he’s got a lot of homes to keep warm, and architects don’t just burn themselves”, said landlord Michael Scapegoat. “And then there’s all those badgers to gas.”
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They’ll even fill your tyres with hot air.
With milk now cheaper than water in some supermarkets, and petrol also cheaper than water in all of them, Waitrose are hoping to inspire shoppers to treat themselves with fancier fuel.
Offering a range of sparkling diesels and EC-compliant fruit-scented petrols, the first Waitrose service station is already drawing a queue of discerning motorists.
“People take petrol for granted, now that you can buy a litre of ‘cooking unleaded’ for under a quid”, said Rupert Thomas, Marketing Director.
“But a hint of jasmine or jojoba oil from your tailpipe lets those behind you know that you favour a more select way of burning your money.”
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Can he fix it? No, he can’t
Nick Clegg has cancelled an order for 500 business cards advertising his skills as a low-level bodger, after being declared the leader of a ‘major political party’.
“This is brilliant news,” said Clegg from his caravan in the gardens of Number 10. “I didn’t know anyone was listening to me, other than that lady who I quoted for painting her fence, some time after April.”
The move means Clegg will be allowed to appear in a series of TV debates. “It’s vital for putting my point across’,” he declared.
“No job too small, references available. White washing a speciality. Should I mention I do removals? How far away is Chipping Norton?”
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
In an act of solidarity with other papers, we are publishing the controversial image of the figure that Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri truly worships, and insists other should die for.
Here it is…
Ayman al-Zawahiri
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Filed under Culture, International News, Uncategorized
“Clean up in aisle two. Another one’s got in.”
Aldi looks set to finally rid its car parks of Range Rovers, thanks to a range of french-sounding poisonous chocolates.
Choceur Malade, a high-end sweet filled with chunks and a thin green jus, is specifically targeted at ABC1s who spend too long reading wine labels.
“Our store is a ‘volks markt’, we sell burgers in tins, für Gott’s sake”, said store manager Helmut Braun. “We leave posh stuff piled up in the corners as ein trap for red-trousered fops.”
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