Is that one for the conservatory? Or the suitcase under the bed?
A space probe has revealed that the dwarf planet Pluto is 35% window keys, and could contain up to 700,000 tonnes of phone chargers.
“For years now, scientists have been searching for the universe’s ‘missing mass'”, revealed NASA’s Chuck Weiner.
“So far we’ve looked in a fruit bowl, the last place we had it, and that drawer in the kitchen with the instructions for resetting the clock on the microwave.”
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“oopsie.”
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has been greeted as a ‘true European’, after entirely ignoring the will of his people.
Despite a referendum vote to reject a punitive settlement, Tsipras agreed to a more punitive one so that some Germans would like him.
“This is exactly what the European Union is all about”, said EU president Claude Juncker. “We ask the people, and then we listen to the banks.”
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“I do NOT sound like that, you bipedal twat.”
Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.
That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.
“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.
“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
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Ambridge, towards the end of Season 1.
In a major coup for the satellite broadcaster, popular soap opera ‘The Archers’ is moving to Sky from November.
Despite being a staple of Radio 4 for the past 64 years, the drama will now be televised exclusively on Sky Ambridge HD.
“You read that right, you’ll be able to gaze upon a Grundy for the first time”, said director Alan Rothskid. “But only in the first episode, when they’re evicted to make way for a golf course.”
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Drivers undergo exhaustive training.
London’s tube train drivers are marking the tenth anniversary of the day London defiantly got moving again, by defiantly staying in bed.
With a paltry £2.5k bonus and a 2 percent payrise to top up their meagre £50k salary on offer, rail workers claimed it wasn’t enough to stop them treating their customers with utter contempt.
“It’s tradition”, said Terence Cockney, who is employed to sit down near a lever. “We always strike at Christmas, bank holidays or when it causes the most offence.”
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The cheap flights make it all worth while.
Harold’s very own armchair globe trotter, Elsie Duggan, offers advice to tourists heading to Greece. Just because she hasn’t been somewhere, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an opinion.
Dear Elsie,
I’ve read that people in Greece are suffering real hardship. Can you catch poverty from touching a foreigner? C Clarkson, Harold
Elsie replies: I don’t doubt it. I knew someone once who touched a Hungarian by accident, and now they live in a skip. Take some wet wipes, and remember to rub yourself down with some money.
Dear Elsie,
There have been reports that shops are running out of some essentials. Will I still be able to buy chips? D Evans, Harold
Elsie replies: Bloody soggy things they’ll be no doubt, and not enough of them. And do you know what they have on them? Not gravy or ketchup like nice people. Crab spit. Maureen told me that, she said she read it in the paper.
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Filed under Greek bail-out, Holidays
Andy Murray, with his trademark look of despair.
Andy Murray felt an immediate pang of regret, after giving away his tennis racquet to one of his 3 million Facebook followers.
“I’ve just realised that I’m going to need it again”, said Murray. “It’s quite important, because it’s what I use to hit the balls.”
Murray spent the afternoon trying to buy it back on ebay, but was shocked at how much it was now ‘worth’.
Current racquet owner Terry Hodges explained why it meant so much to him.
“I’ve always been a Murray fan, I’ve followed his career closely from his amateur days, so to win this was like a dream come true. I’ve set the reserve at £5,000.”
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Even Brian’s sandals are thick.
Scientists have confirmed that human beings are becoming taller and more intelligent, with the exception of Harold’s Brian Evans.
“It’s selective evolution”, explained Professor Justine Wurlitzer of Dunstable University. “People are attracted to clever people, who can also put things in those high cupboards you get on aircraft.”
“Whereas Brian is, if anything, getting slightly more stupid with every passing minute. For instance, yesterday he spent an hour trying to lick his elbows.”
The professor carried out a range of experiments to measure cognitive ability, problem solving and if Brian can reach his lunch box if it’s moved to the top shelf in the fridge.
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May as well be.
Mobile calls to liars and idiots with an 0800 number are now free, Ofcom has announced.
From today, consumers can listen to the same sentence being read out 14 times by a man in Bangalore called ‘Martin’, ‘Fridge’ or ‘Stevenage’, no matter what question they’ve asked, and all for the princely sum of nothing.
“This is good news for consumers”, said Ofcom’s Shapi Patel. “No that’s not my real name, you’re right; I just use it to sound more diverse.” A freedom of information request later revealed that their real name was Nigel Wilberforce.
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John, with Petra No. 38.
No sooner had Blue Peter’s John Noakes been discovered after going missing in Mallorca, than rumours started that he wasn’t the same one.
Despite looking quite like John Noakes, the ‘new’ John Noakes appeared to be slightly younger, more left-handed and around 4 inches taller.
“No, this is the real John Noakes, what on earth are you talking about?” said BBC spokesman Felicity Evans. “Look, he’s even wearing the same badge.”
“No, he doesn’t come when you call him, he’s got Alzheimers for goodness sake. It’s just a coincidence that he now responds to the name ‘Nigel’.”
Evans was later overheard admitting to a senior manager that it wasn’t the same Noakes, and claimed he’d been replaced when the real one ‘went to live on a farm’.
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Mind the gap!
Rail experts are warning commuters to avoid travelling in their bathing suits, for fear their sweaty torsos could end up stuck together.
With some slight summer weather forecast for the coming week of summer, Network Rail’s Greg Hostage explained how this could cause chaos.
“We’re not used to it in this country, are we?”, said Hostage. “Which is why when we designed the network, we only imagined the temperature would remain a constant 15 degrees.”
Hostage explained that at 15 degrees, the carriage air-conditioning systems were already running at full capacity, and the rails were on the very point of buckling.
“Imagine what will happen when there’s a freak slight increase in temperature”, he posed. “It’s the sort of unpredictable event that can catch us out, normally during every June, July or August.”
Hostage noticed that just the thought of warm weather had made his thighs stick together, which when scaled up on a computer model saw 1,500 passengers locked in an untangleable, heaving, suction-locked ball.
“Commuters can prevent this by wrapping themselves in cling-film or tin foil, and standing next to someone wearing the opposite”, insisted the Passenger Curtailment Executive. “Or you could ease overcrowding by travelling a little later, perhaps sometime in December?”
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Filed under environment, Travel
Who would put a pony on Greece?
In a last desperate throw of the dice, Greece has left a small, timber-clad pony on the steps of Brussels.
Always ones to look a gift-horse in the mouth, creditors refused to drag it inside and instead bet heavily on it to win at the ten to midnight handicap at Chepstow.
“We weren’t expecting that”, admitted Greek PM Alexis Tsipras.”We’d rather banked on them popping it into the vault.”
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Let it go, Mr Lama. Let it go.
The Dalai Lama is said to be ‘overjoyed’ at the prospect of annointing James Bay with his own holy water.
Mr Lama, 63, is famed for his inner calm and tranquility, but ‘completely lost his shit’ when he first heard ‘Hold Back the River’.
“I will not hold this river back”, declared the Llama. “I will project it forward with righteous velocity. With luck, I’ll knock his stupid hat off.”
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Tattoos can help you stand out from the crowd.
Have you got ink? Curious about what it means? Evening Harold unpicks the scabs on the tattoo code…
Swallow on neck: You are an Arthur Ransome fan.
Tear under one eye: You suffer from hayfever. (Please offer this person antihistamines if they appear to be in difficulty.)
Anchor on forearm: Possible subconscious iron deficiency.
Unicorn: You interfere with horses.
Football club badge: You are working class. Talk to someone about chips.
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Eco fans can now offset their carbon footprint by taking a cruise on a galley slave-powered cargo ship.
With bookings now being taken to bring 55,000 tonnes of iPhones, smart watches and other electronic crap back from China, just 1,200 ethical adventurers are needed to get it here by Christmas.
“Unfortunately that’s not Christmas this year, and most of this tat will be out of date by 2018”, explained green-tour organizer Damien Howitzer.
“But between them, they will have saved enough fuel to pop the whole lot in the landfill, and still have enough carbon credits left to fly the family to Florida. Well, those that survive, obviously.”
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Filed under environment, Hoildays
“I’m going to pop a cap up your bottom.”
George Osborne has dropped the n-word in a string of speeches, after being impressed by Obama’s use of the forbidden term.
A group of school children from Dunstable were the first to hear the chancellor’s latest attempt to talk ‘street’, and roundly condemned him for doing so.
“It’s not a word most kids would dream of using”, said 14-year old Samantha Bacon. “It’s revolting really; a real symbol of past oppression.”
The queen seemed nonplussed when a state dinner was n-bombed by Osborne, but Prince Philip barely batted an eyelid.
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Their sacrifice paved the way for a white woman to be promoted to the top of a black organisation.
Indefensible racists the Black and White Minstrels have been praised for their brave promotion of trans-racial awareness.
Once a subject that was as much non-existent as it was controversial, trans-racial issues were given a voice by white men who blacked up and sang songs that made light of slavery.
The group of pioneers were the first to reject the burden placed on them by a thousand years of privileged chance genetics, and model themselves instead on Uncle Ben’s rice packets.
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Filed under Entertainment, Society, Uncategorized
Is this image proof of ‘The Curse of Nirvana’?
In April 1994, Kurt Cobain was killed in a freak accident while cleaning his machine gun during a leisurely breakfast.
Some had hoped this would begin and end the notorious ‘Curse of Nirvana’, but chillingly, it was not to be.
Now, just 24 short years (and 2 months or so) later to the day, Jeff Grohl has broken his leg.
In a freak accident, probably linked to The Curse, James Grohl fell gravity-wise from the podium we all put him upon, and broke his bone.
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Evans also enjoys playing golf. F**king golf.
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One of your eight a day.
Harold’s top faddist has found a new way to live longer, after munching her way through a new range of spiders.
Pippa Delaney claims that spiders contain a substance called ‘arachnodelica’, which can free radicals and either raise or lower lipids, depending on which is better.
“Spiders are nature’s pipe cleaners, so they’re good for the throat”, claimed Delaney. “But only if you don’t cook them first.”
Eaten raw, even a small spider can add a few minutes to your life, claimed the self-styled ‘qualified nutritionist’.
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