Holidaying in Greece? Don’t miss this handy Q&A!

The cheap flights make it all worth while.

Harold’s very own armchair globe trotter, Elsie Duggan, offers advice to tourists heading to Greece. Just because she hasn’t been somewhere, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an opinion.

Dear Elsie,

I’ve read that people in Greece are suffering real hardship. Can you catch poverty from touching a foreigner? C Clarkson, Harold

Elsie replies: I don’t doubt it. I knew someone once who touched a Hungarian by accident, and now they live in a skip. Take some wet wipes, and remember to rub yourself down with some money.

Dear Elsie,

There have been reports that shops are running out of some essentials. Will I still be able to buy chips? D Evans, Harold

Elsie replies: Bloody soggy things they’ll be no doubt, and not enough of them. And do you know what they have on them? Not gravy or ketchup like nice people. Crab spit. Maureen told me that, she said she read it in the paper.

Dear Elsie,

I’m a little bit concerned about taking advantage of a cheap holiday in a country that is descending into chaos and despair. What should I do? P Delaney, Harold

Elsie replies: You’re right, it’s a golden opportunity to make a few quid.Take as many pictures as you can: you can probably sell them to the BBC or something. Get them to ham it up a bit with some tears, or spray them with vinegar. You can probably buy a car off them for a fiver, if you haggle.

Dear Elsie,

Is it hot over there? I’m trying to decide how many cardigans to pack. G Pymm, Harold

Elsie replies: One should be enough, Gladys. Don’t forget you’ve got fat arms. You won’t get more than that under your raincoat. But do remember to never take your hat off: there’s some Germans out there trying to give everyone a haircut. You don’t want to end up looking like that tart Angela Merkel.

Next week: How to get the best out of a fortnight in Syria.