Calls to useless morons now free


May as well be.

Mobile calls to liars and idiots with an 0800 number are now free, Ofcom has announced.

From today, consumers can listen to the same sentence being read out 14 times by a man in Bangalore called ‘Martin’, ‘Fridge’ or ‘Stevenage’, no matter what question they’ve asked, and all for the princely sum of nothing.

“This is good news for consumers”, said Ofcom’s Shapi Patel. “No that’s not my real name, you’re right; I just use it to sound more diverse.” A freedom of information request later revealed that their real name was Nigel Wilberforce.

While 0800 numbers have long been advertised as being ‘free’, they were actually quite expensive if you used the sort of phone everyone else does.

“But now, you can be passed from ‘advisor’ to ‘supervisor’ to ‘manager’ to ‘sound of hundreds of people talking a long way away’, and it won’t cost you any more than the 78 minutes of your life you’ll never get back”, cooed Patel.

“Can I help you any further today, sir or madam? Would you like to leave valuable feedback about your call?” she went on. “Please hold while I try to disconnect you.”

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