Humans getting taller and smarter, except for Brian

big shoe

Even Brian’s sandals are thick.

Scientists have confirmed that human beings are becoming taller and more intelligent, with the exception of Harold’s Brian Evans.

“It’s selective evolution”, explained Professor Justine Wurlitzer of Dunstable University. “People are attracted to clever people, who can also put things in those high cupboards you get on aircraft.”

“Whereas Brian is, if anything, getting slightly more stupid with every passing minute. For instance, yesterday he spent an hour trying to lick his elbows.”

The professor carried out a range of experiments to measure cognitive ability, problem solving and if Brian can reach his lunch box if it’s moved to the top shelf in the fridge.

“He can’t you know, the stumpy little moron”, revealed Wurlitzer, “and his mum had cut the crusts off. He’s 34, it’s no wonder no-one wants to sleep with him.”

Wurlitzer is planning further tests to see if human kind is evolving into two distinct groups: a race of lofty geniuses on one side, and just Brian on the other.

“I’ve drawn a Venn diagram”, she revealed. “The two circles don’t touch at all. And if you look closely, you can see that Brian’s crying, and his trousers are on backwards.”

The report’s findings will be presented this afternoon in the staff canteen, when Brian inevitably asks the professor out again.

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