Travel chaos: 35 degree heat ‘could cause commuters to stick together’


Mind the gap!

Rail experts are warning commuters to avoid travelling in their bathing suits, for fear their sweaty torsos could end up stuck together.

With some slight summer weather forecast for the coming week of summer, Network Rail’s Greg Hostage explained how this could cause chaos.

“We’re not used to it in this country, are we?”, said Hostage. “Which is why when we designed the network, we only imagined the temperature would remain a constant 15 degrees.”

Hostage explained that at 15 degrees, the carriage air-conditioning systems were already running at full capacity, and the rails were on the very point of buckling.

“Imagine what will happen when there’s a freak slight increase in temperature”, he posed. “It’s the sort of unpredictable event that can catch us out, normally during every June, July or August.”

Hostage noticed that just the thought of warm weather had made his thighs stick together, which when scaled up on a computer model saw 1,500 passengers locked in an untangleable, heaving, suction-locked ball.

“Commuters can prevent this by wrapping themselves in cling-film or tin foil, and standing next to someone wearing the opposite”, insisted the Passenger Curtailment Executive. “Or you could ease overcrowding by travelling a little later, perhaps sometime in December?”

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