Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | June 5, 2013 · 12:15 pm

Prescription self-help books blamed for 4-hour wait at library

library

Queuing for Dummies (by Doctor Evans)

The latest attempt by GPs to avoid doing any work is causing massive delays at local libraries.

With the A&E department at Dunstable hospital already full to capacity, local quack Dr Evans is urging would-be patients to ‘read a book’, instead of bothering a proper health professional.

“It’s not my fault people get ill outside office hours”, suggested Evans. “It would help me enormously if they would only get sick between 10.30am and 3.30 pm, or before 1pm on a Wednesday.

“But while I sympathise with those who say I spend all my time on the golf course, they might first consider ‘would I be better off in the library?'”

Thanks to a new national initiative, Doctor Evans can now prescribe people ‘self-help’ books which are available from all good librarians. “For a simple £7.85 prescription, they can pick up something I heartily recommend”, said Evans. “Preferably something quite long, that will take ages to finish.”
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by | June 4, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘John McCririck sets precedent for companies to sack weird freaks everywhere’ claims C4

McCririck

McCririck may have lied on his CV when he claimed to be ‘not all that weird’

Channel 4 has hailed their sacking of John McCririck as ‘striking a blow against oddballs’, and has urged others saddled with irritating weirdos to do the same.

Turning up for work each day dressed some sort of  ‘shit Doctor Who’, no-one can remember how McCririck ever got past the interview process.

But while European law was supposed to stop employers treating normal people like disposable scum, there are fears the same protection has inadvertently been extended to nut-jobs.

“With his hand-tourettes and hair stolen from a badger’s pubic region, no-one in their right mind would justify keeping McCririck”, said a C4 executive.

Unfortunately for the broadcaster McCririck turned out to be quite old. That meant he could claim he wasn’t sacked for his abrasive personality, but because he might die fairly soon.
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by | June 3, 2013 · 11:00 am

Retired Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those shelves up’

FERGIE

Sir Alex ‘too tight’ to get a man in.

Despite being at a loose end for over three weeks now, retired Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those bloody shelves up’, according to his wife Cathy.

Sir Alex has been promising to tackle various odd-jobs around the home since 1986, when he first moved the family for his new senior administrative role with a popular sports team in Manchester. But while most men retire around the age of 65, Cathy claims he ‘deliberately kept going into his 70s’ to avoid the looming spectre of DIY.

“Alex claims he’s good with his hands, but he’s not so much as rewired a plug since the early 90s”, revealed Cathy. “And when I say ‘rewired’, I mean ‘shouted at its metal little face for 94 minutes and then hit it with a shoe.”
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by | May 29, 2013 · 7:00 am

Opposition grows to intensive Panda farm

panda

Abattoir workers lure in a panda with scampi nik-naks and half a Bulmers

One farmer’s move into the lucrative ‘exotic meats’ market has drawn crowds of protesters to the village.

With people growing bored with eating cows, pigs and baby baa-lambs, market prices have seen a corresponding tumble. But thanks to local farmer Phil Evans’ efforts to intensively rear pandas, Harold’s gourmands have something new to chew over.

First-time visitors to Harold might not notice the food revolution straight away, but they’ll soon get the gist from the angry placards, and chants for Evans’ blood.

“From a distance, pandas do look a bit like stumpy, fat heifers”, explained Evans. “But look more closely, and you’ll notice that they’re useless, lazy twats.”

Evans faced a number of hurdles before he could get his herd ‘up and running’, although after a couple of days he gave up on that approach and now leaves them laying around, chewing sticks.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Farming

by | May 28, 2013 · 7:30 am

Highways Agency hands over roadworks planning to ‘fairly thick monkey’

conage

Always watching, always alert, always ready to pelt motorists with faeces

The Highways Agency has announced that it will employ a team of brain-damaged monkeys to take on responsibility for organising maintenance of Britain’s motorway network, a move expected to greatly improve the planning of roadworks. The announcement comes after red-faced officials realised that they had accidentally closed every road out of Birmingham at the same time for three whole days without giving any warning.

‘An angry motorist called us to complain that he had ran out of petrol on his third lap of the city of Birmingham, after moving from one diversion to another and finding every road out was closed.” said a spokesman, who also confirmed that the man had been fined £60 for using a handheld mobile phone while driving, despite being in a stationary vehicle.
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by | May 27, 2013 · 7:30 am

Councillor defends sudden holiday, despite house being on fire

jollybobs

Still in control, at 30,000 feet

Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.

Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.

“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
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by | May 25, 2013 · 7:30 am

Mayor offsets parish austerity measures ‘by buying massive car’

jackson limo

Mayor hopes car will support ‘up to six hookers’

Local Mayor Rufus D Jackson has reacted swiftly to criticisms of his austerity programme, by buying an ‘absolutely enormous’ car.

With budgets for the local library, citizen’s advice bureau and most bin collections cut by up to 100%, some villagers had started to question how this would lead to more growth.

But while Jackson admitted that the tactic was causing hardship for the sort of people he didn’t care for, he insisted that owning a massive car would help cheer up those that mattered the most.
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Why is Sally Bercow working the nightshift at Tescos? *innocent face*

sall

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by | May 24, 2013 · 12:55 pm
by | May 24, 2013 · 7:00 am

Disneylogians hail discovery of ritual, horse-shoed mouse fossils

This totes really happened. Trufax.

This totes really happened. Trufax.

Leading Disney theologians have spoken of their excitement, following the discovery of the fossilized remains of four tiny mice. Crescent-shaped ore deposits hint at feet shod with horse-shoes, the strongest evidence yet that Cinderella actually existed.

The discovery was made by 46 year-old Walter Higgins, using a metal detector on an allotment in a far-away land. The exact location of the ‘magic kingdom’ is a closely guarded secret, although Higgins is known to own a static caravan in Rhyll. Continue reading →

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by | May 17, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Folk scene hails Seth Barley, and instrument made from own lung

seth

Seth is as critically acclaimed as he is critically injured.

England’s blossoming folk scene is hailing a new hero, who has revolutionised traditional music by making an instrument from his own vital organs.

‘Seth Barley And His Musical Lung’ is selling out cow sheds across the country, and causing a headache for paramedics without satnav.

“I wanted to sing from the heart”, explained Seth, “but the risk of infection ruled that out.” Happily, after drilling three hand-turned wooden valves into his left lung during a dry-stone walling accident, Seth discovered that he had a new way of getting things off his chest.
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by | · 7:00 am

Villagers raise objections to ‘High Speed Bus 2’

High Speed Bus 2 'fucking stupid' claim residents

High Speed Bus 2 ‘fucking stupid’ claim residents

People in Harold have raised several objections to a high-speed bus route that will pass through the village.

‘High Speed Bus 2’ is intended to be a replacement for the original HSB, which was written off after supposedly sliding on discarded kebab meat. Remnants of that project can still be seen in a ditch just outside Harold, the coachwork heavily peppered with buck shot. Accident investigators are still divided on the incident.

“Harold doesn’t need a slightly faster bus service”, insisted Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Particularly as the bloody thing won’t even stop here.” Connecting the hamlet of Felching to the bus depot in Dunstable, Ronsson claims the case for a 3,000 horsepower bus is yet to be made.

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by | May 13, 2013 · 11:00 am

Third councillor ‘would back exit from Bedfordshire’

haroldsign copy

Signs will be printed very locally

With exiting organisations currently all the rage, a third Harold councillor has declared they would ‘happily walk away from Bedfordshire tomorrow’.

Harold has already declared independence from Europe, NATO and Groupon, but the latest move could see the village become ‘more insular than many dared dream’.

“There are some good things about being in Bedfordshire”, Ron Ronsson admitted. “It’s a relatively small county, and not many people visit. But given an in/out referendum, I’d have to say ‘out’. It doesn’t do to dwell too long on the positives.”
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by | May 12, 2013 · 1:30 pm

‘Incompetent’ vet confesses: ‘I did it for money and love of hurting animals’

badvet

Sick: vet bragged about exploits on social media

When officials first noticed all of Harold’s animals were missing, it didn’t take them long to point the finger at the new vet.

Arriving in the dead of night two years ago from a backwater suspiciously close to France, villagers were initially excited to find out that they now had ‘nurses for animals’.

But 24 months on there are no pets or livestock left, and the vet owns a new Bentley with a personalised plate.
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by | May 11, 2013 · 7:45 am

Professor Hawking boycotts church bungee jump

Church jump 'incompatible with string theory'

Church jump ‘incompatible with string theory’ (artist’s impression)

Organisers of a church bungee jump have reacted angrily to a snub by professor Hawking, after he claimed it would be ‘inappropriate’ for an atheist to take part.

Harold vicar Tansy Forster is trying to raise funds for a new gargoyle, after the last one was stolen by Goths.

But Forster was disappointed that the professor refused to support the event, because he doesn’t believe in the existence of a God.
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by | May 9, 2013 · 7:29 am

New lease of life for allotments as they turn to graveyard a plot at a time

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Allotment take-up is a grave business

Harold’s once-proud allotment plots are getting a long-overdue facelift, thanks to the astonishing average age of their owners.

For years, the village allotments have been a draw for the elderly, who pretend to grow potatoes while drinking gin in their sheds.

But with vegetables now widely available in shops, few youngsters see the point in subsistence farming.
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Ray Harryhausen funeral to take months

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by | May 8, 2013 · 7:31 am
by | May 4, 2013 · 2:02 pm

Retired German brothers restore V2 rocket

V2 Rocket

Organizers advise spectators to wear ear muffs

Two brothers from Harold’s German twin town of Koch have successfully restored a V2 rocket.

Despite us all being friends now, the brothers share a love of WW2 technology and are keen to demonstrate their superior engineering.

The projectile, which features an ethanol powerplant, a primitive guidance system and 200 kilos of high explosive, could be the first one of its type to fly for nearly 70 years.

“We have worked on this project for several years now”, said Klaus Hummel. “There are none of these magnificent machines currently in service, we think it will go down rather well at one of your popular airshows.”
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by | May 3, 2013 · 1:53 pm

Goths successfully appeal for ‘return’ of Jim Morrison’s remains

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Morrison: Been Down So Long

Goths in Harold have finally met one of their idols this week, after the decayed remains of Jim Morrison paid them a visit.

Doors frontman Jim Morrison, originally buried in the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris in 1971, has until now spent very little time in the UK. But local legend tells how he once visited Harold’s famed twin bun shops, while he should have been performing at the Isle of Wight festival.

“When The Doors took to the stage in 1970, the set was entirely shrouded in darkness”, explained local Goth Josh Fenning. “Historians will tell you that it was because he didn’t want to be blinded by spotlights, but in truth it was because he was 120 miles away, enthusiastically tonguing a vanilla slice.”

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by | April 30, 2013 · 7:30 am

Vandals target village ‘anal museum’ sign

Vandal 'obsessed' with brown finger-post

Vandals are sniffing out brown finger-posts

Harold’s popular anal museum is facing an onslaught from vandals, hell-bent on defacing the signpost with an additional ‘C’.

Villagers are proud of their museum of anuses, and its collection of rare sphincters and historical ring pieces. Located down a back alley between Harold’s twin bunshops, the damage to the sign has left some curious would-be visitors  complaining that they’re struggling to gain access.

“For some reason, these puerile little sods think it’s funny to vandalise our sign, so it looks like we’re some kind of ‘canal museum’”, whined head curator Janet Brown.
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by | April 27, 2013 · 11:43 am

Britain’s beleaguered badgers get sex raccoon makeover

sexraccoon

Maxord denies badgering clients

With TB, culls and being awful at crossing roads to contend with, there’s never been a worse time to be a badger.

But a media raccoon thinks he can help Britain’s embattled brocks, by giving them a cheeky public relations makeover.

Cliff Maxord, a shuffling scavenger with a nose for publicity, thinks badgers need to work on their image. And with their stripy little faces and bumbling gait, they’re already half-way to being mistaken for raccoons.
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