Many whisky companies have shown that ‘two can play at that game’, and warned that if Scotland remained part of the UK they may be forced to put their prices up for customers south of the border.
So far many companies have said Scots face price hikes if they gain independence however the distilleries have said a ‘no’ vote would force them to show they could ‘act like petulant twats as well’.
Filed under Independence referendum
Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.
O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
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Filed under Crime, International News, News
Clarence House have announced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child. Speaking about her good news Kate said: “Only another 238 to go and we can totally avoid the bedroom tax”.
Having their benefits cut for every free room in their tax-payer funded house has left the couple down to their last few million, with Prince William being forced to get a job, although to keep their benefits this may not have be declared.
Filed under breaking news, News, Royals
Citizens of countries represented at the NATO meeting in Wales have come up with a radical idea to protect themselves from the dangers of ISIS. They have requested a militarised ring of steel similar to the one protecting their leaders from a few protesters while they discuss the best way to protect their countries.
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Filed under International News, News
Despite his return last Saturday, Dr Who has been unable to prevent the terror level in the UK rising from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe’.
Home Secretary Theresa May said: “Early indications show the decision to replace the previous Dr with an older model for his latest attempts to save the world hasn’t dampened al-Qaeda’s willingness to harm the UK.
“They have also cottoned on to the fact that as modern day terrorists, they are low down on the time lord’s watch list behind statues, Daleks, Cybermen, and killer droids.”
The ‘severe’ threat level is the fourth highest of five. Any further risk may see the risk rise to an unprecedented ‘quick, to the Tardis, it’s first come first served’ level.
The new rating means that an attack from human-based baddies is ‘highly likely’, but a spokeswoman for the Dr said that is not really ‘his thing’.
“Dr Who, no matter which incarnation, has never really been into local earth terrorists instead preferring to deal with the more space, time and sci-fi type,” Clara Oswald explained.
“Some people think this is a little selfish seeing as religious fundamentalists are this country’s biggest threat. But you’d choose the same if your travelling options are between the Tardis to a far away planet or parallel universe or an Easyjet flight to Baghdad.”
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Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle, News
With Douglas Carswell defecting to Ukip and forcing a by-election, but Ukip’s current candidate Roger Lord refusing to step aside, the electorate in Clacton have been left in enviable position of having two Ukip candidates not to vote for.
“This is a Tory safe seat,” one voter told us, “and I can’t see that changing, it’s just now we have two Ukip candidate to laugh at then ignore on the ballot paper.”
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‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’
“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
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Filed under Defence, International News, News, Politics
As the Ice Bucket Challenge spreads around the internet quicker than racism spreads through Jeremy Clarkson’s blood stream, Thames Water are warning customers that if people continue to throw any more of the perfectly good, fresh, yet finite resource over their heads, the UK may see its first ever winter time hosepipe ban.
“We appreciate it is for a good cause,” a spokesperson for the utility company explained, “and not many people know more about raising millions of pounds just to waste water than us.
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Filed under Social media, Society
The airport considers re-branding to reduce expectations
Passengers arriving at Luton Airport have voted it Britain’s worst airport citing the fact you end a lovely flight in Luton as the main reason.
The survey by the consumer group Which? showed that top of the list was the confusingly named Robin Hood Doncaster Sheffield Airport.
“The biggest asset going for the winner was that despite the name, you were still a good 20 minute drive from either Doncaster or Sheffield” Which? executive director Richard Lloyd said
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Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.
“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
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New proposals to pay benefit claimants onto cards that limit what the money can be used for will also be rolled out to MP expenses.
The scheme will ensure the ‘scroungers’ don’t waste taxpayers’ money by ensuring it is only used to but the essentials, and not on lavish dinners, homes for their parents and duck houses.
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Ukip leader Nigel Farage has launched a scathing attack on Edinburgh Zoo’s possibly pregnant panda bear, Tian Tian, accusing her of getting pregnant just to stay in the UK.
“We are a soft touch,” Farage told supporters. “These bloody foreign pandas come over here, are housed and fed for free and now she is pregnant she will no doubt move out of the zoo, into a council house and receive every benefit going.”
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Filed under Badgers, International News, News
Even Freya's sad face couldn't break Osborne's heart of stone
George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not been seriously injured but vets treating the tabby say after numerous failed attempts to escape from Osborne’s ownership, they may have to put her down on humanitarian grounds, namely being George Osborne’s cat.
“She was found by passers by looking broken, injured and on her last legs,” a vet treating her explained, “and then she got clipped by the car.
“It’s hard to tell why a cat would be so keen to leave its owner, but looking at Mr Osborne’s policies as chancellor gives us a fair indication.
“We can be confident that while him and his family were enjoying steak, caviar and the finest french wines,George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not bee Freya, or ‘that working class cat’ as she is affectionately, known is at the bottom of the food chain being fed scraps and stale bread with a side order of resentment at having to be fed.”
This is not the first time Freya has tried to better herself by running away from the chancellor’s Downing Streetppp residence. She has previously been found over a mile from her Westminster home before some do-gooder brought her back, kicking, screaming and scratching.
In 2011 she also became the first cat in history to call The Samaritans.
A spokesperson for Mr Osborne said: “We are grateful to everyone in stopping Freya getting ideas of mobility and freedom that are well above her station. He has said he will now introduce a wide range of policies that will ensure she knows her place going forward.”
Cats have become commonplace in Downing Street, with ‘Larry’ being drafted in to Number 10 to try and deal with a pest infestation. Although so far he has been unsuccessful at ridding the London Street of all its nasty rodents, it is hoped the electorate do a better job in 2015’s General Election.
Filed under Uncategorized
With bold statements such as ‘stop fighting, now’, ‘stop killing children’, and ‘will you stop teasing Ukraine’, the world’s well-meaning but ultimately powerless parent, the UN, has threatened to start shaking its fist in a frustrated manner whilst saying ‘grrr’ if hostilities around the world don’t stop.
“We are in a difficult position”, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said. “Israel blame Hamas who in turn blame Israel, Russia’s friends are destroying Ukraine but Russia says it doesn’t know them even though we saw them all drinking together in the park. And God knows what North Korea are up to, we haven’t seen them in ages.
“We’ve tried sanctions on Russian billionaires but who knew they didn’t keep all their assets in one legitimate bank account?
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Filed under International News, News
With the government announcement that driverless cars will be permitted on public roads, BMW have said that any driverless car they release will still act like a dick.
“It is important that any autonomous car acts in a way people would expect if it was being driven by a human” a BMW press release said.
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Gary Lineker still presenting age 104
The BBC has announced it has come to an agreement with Glasgow 2014 organisers to extend the Commonwealth Games until all the bad stuff around the world has ended.
With planes being shot down in Ukraine and no end in sight for the Middle East conflict, The Beeb has decided it much easier to deal with wall-to-wall coverage of lawn bowls, squash and cycling than any in depth look at the many issues that look set to start WWIII. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Sport
Drivers of diesel cars are to face an extra charge of up to £10 on top of the congestion charge in London to help compensate for the amount of smug they give off.
Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.
A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
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Commonwealth table tennis is in danger of falling standards and possible extinction if cuts to youth clubs continue, an insider told us.
Sipping on a can of Coke and chewing on a pack of Haribo during a high level training session at Harold Youth Club, an up and coming player explained a decline in youth clubs across the country would see minority sports such as table tennis, table football, and priest evading disappear.
In a bid to increase crime detection rates, police in the UK are to divert resources used to spy on victim’s families to using undercover officers and detectives to catch criminals.
With the damning evidence released from the Macpherson report that suggested the Met had launched a military style surveillance on the family of murdered teenager Stephen Lawrence, and now claims the same happened to the mother of student Ricky Reel, police have admitted that to date, this policy has failed to find the killers.
In an embarrassing admission by the British government, it has become clear that the UK is still selling arms to Russia, however firm assurances over their use have been received from Vladimir Putin by way if a ‘pinky promise’.
Speaking of his first meaningful action as foreign secretary, Philip Hammond explained he flew to Russia over night to get the pinky promise from Putin.
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