Monthly Archives: June 2014

Outrage as ‘inhumane’ tax demands installed outside affordable housing to deter bankers

anti-banker-spikes

Very uncomfortable

Following the news that ‘anti-homeless spikes’ are being installed outside posh apartments to prevent homeless people from sleeping in the doorways, further outrage has been provoked by the decision to place strategic arrangements of tax bills outside affordable housing to deter investment bankers.

The bills, for income and corporation tax, are embedded in the floor outside a block of flats in an area of East London. The bankers are naturally attracted to cheap housing to knock down and turn into luxury apartments, but the tax demands make the environment very uncomfortable, causing them to move on.

One resident, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Evening Harold: “There was a banker prowling looking for investment opportunities there about six weeks ago. Then all of a sudden these tax demands were put up outside.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under charity, Social media

Parents arrested for allowing child to get ‘too ginger’

ginger

Ginger parent attempted to merge in with normal people, using hair clippers.

A couple in Harold has been arrested by police for allowing their child to become enormously ginger.

Aged just 11 the child is already pantone 152, a number at odds with national guidelines.

“Teachers first alerted us to the child when he was placed in a brightly-lit classroom, and the sun reflecting off his hair somehow stained all the chalk an offensive orange colour”, said PC Flegg.

“When an officer went round to warn his parents, they were confronted by a 38 year-old male who was wantonly ginger.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Parents arrested for allowing child to get ‘too ginger’

Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order

Veteran who escaped to Normandy vows ‘to press on to Berlin’

normandy beach

Lest we remember: veteran hopes EU will stand up to oppression of the vulnerable

A veteran who escaped a care home to find liberation in France has vowed not to rest until he reaches Berlin.

Reginald Evans, 91, tunnelled out of the care home and dodged guard towers around the perimeter.

Using false papers that showed he was a 27 year-old brunette from Harold, Evans won a job as a ferry captain and made his way to the continent.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Veteran who escaped to Normandy vows ‘to press on to Berlin’

Filed under Around Harold, Transport, War

GP sees increase in mobile phone addicts being prescribed Methafone

methaphoneHarold GP Dr Evans has spoken out today about the increase in prescriptions he is writing for Methafone, a mobile phone substitute aimed at helping 3.5 inch screen addicts stop using their device for more than five minutes.

“Often people try to go cold turkey,” Evans explained, “but even though they will claim they are not addicted and are in control, you can still observe them waking up their device just to look at an empty home screen with no messages or missed calls.
Continue reading

Comments Off on GP sees increase in mobile phone addicts being prescribed Methafone

Filed under Culture, Medicine, News

Atheists urged to stop believing in Richard Dawkins

dawkinsfrog

Dawkins claimed such a situation was statistically improbable.

Atheist parents should stop reading Richard Dawkins to their children, in case they grow up thinking the world isn’t magical.

That’s the advice being given by a leading pagan, who thinks religion is OK as long as it involves drinking, dancing and some really cool tricks.

‘Although Richard is real, there’s a lot about him that’s unbelievable’ said Nigel Pendragon, a self-styled druid and ukulele enthusiast. ‘Most youngsters wouldn’t seriously think that anyone was such a joyless monster.  If you thought church was dull, wait until you bump into Dawkins at a Christmas party. He’ll go on and on about evergreens, Romans and turkeys.’
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Religion, science

Indian minister says rape is ‘sometimes right and sometimes wrong’ unless the victim is a tourist

BabulalGaur

Babulal Gaur: we couldn’t decide whether to call him a prat or a dingus so we’ve settled on pringus

Babulal Gaur, minister for law and order in Madhya Pradesh, has clarified his comments that rape is a “social crime’ that is “sometimes right and sometimes wrong”.

“It wasn’t the world wide condemnation or the sudden realisation that I was talking out of my bottom that has made me speak to the media,” Gaur told a hastily arranged press conference, “but the horrifying thought that tourists might not want to come to India due to a fear of violence. Or perhaps that an elected official can spout views on women that even Bluebeard might think were misogynistic and not be forced to resign might put more thoughtful tourists off visiting.”

“Let me assure Westerners that while I do think rape is sometimes right and sometimes wrong in the case of anyone laying a finger on any of you and your lovely, lovely money it is always wrong,” Gaur stated emphatically. “You’ll be safe in India, our own wives and daughters not so much, but hey, hardly any of them can match your spending power.”

“So come to India, who needs equality when you’ve got lots of photogenic elephants?”

 

Comments Off on Indian minister says rape is ‘sometimes right and sometimes wrong’ unless the victim is a tourist

Filed under International News, Politics

Man correctly interprets wife’s silence and provides appropriate emotional response

Brian-the-PostmanIn what is already being hailed one of the greatest ever relationship feats, Harold postman Brian Green correctly interpreted his wife’s silence and provided the appropriate emotional response.

The extraordinary feat was achieved on a day when both spouses had busy days at work and Rachel Green cooked steak and chips for dinner. Mrs Green’s mind must have been elsewhere as the steak was overdone and the chips were a little soggy, a departure from her usually high standards that Mr Green wisely didn’t pass comment on.

Very unusually Mrs Green remained completely silent throughout dinner (she usually comments on the accelerating decline of television) and she gave off no ‘looks’ and uttered no ‘sighs’ – for all intents and purposes there were no ‘cues’ whatsoever.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Man correctly interprets wife’s silence and provides appropriate emotional response

Filed under Around Harold, Sex

Promised foreplay ‘failed to arrive’ say WI members

grey wool

Mostly grey and  a bit scruffy? Then four-ply is more likely than foreplay

Yet another problem for Harold WI it seems, following last year’s celebrated mix-up over ‘dog walking’ and ‘dogging’.

“We’d rather hoped those admin problems were behind us,” said WI Chairwoman Jane Fondant “although we did have a welcome surge in membership after ‘The Great 2013 Cock Up.”

Sadly there was fresh disappointment on Monday evening. Locals and visiting members from as far away as Leighton Buzzard gathered in a packed Village Hall, to hear Daphne Rogers’ illustrated lecture on Imaginative ideas for Foreplay.

“Daphne rummaged in her bag then, instead of lavender massage oil and chocolate sauce, hauled out two skeins of wool and a set of knitting needles.” says Fondant “It soon became only too clear she was determined to teach us all about four-ply knitting.”

After last year’s confusion Harold WI had been forced to remind villagers that husbands are allowed only at Invitation Events. “If there was any encouragement to take from Monday evening, it’s that no men turned up, so they’d clearly listened. Or more interested in dogging than foreplay ? No, that’s not very likely”.

Comments Off on Promised foreplay ‘failed to arrive’ say WI members

Filed under Around Harold, Sex

Protesters set up fracking site on Cameron’s forehead

fracked-cameron
Protesters have surprised prime minister David Cameron by setting up a fracking site around his forehead.

“If he thinks it is OK for companies to frack on any area of wasteland regardless of people’s concerns, then he won’t mind us drilling the large expanse above his eyebrows” one of the protesters explained.

“As the tory peer Lord Howell said, it is fine to start drilling in ‘desolate’ areas with ‘plenty of room’. And after his loss to Ukip in the recent elections, he’ll be used to any earthquakes we cause in his cranium.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Protesters set up fracking site on Cameron’s forehead

Filed under News, Politics

Chaos as Queen inadvertently reads UKIP speech handed to her by Prince Philip

Let them eat fruitcake

Let them eat fruitcake

There was uproar at Westminster this morning after the Queen read out a list of half-baked UKIP policies instead of the expected zombie speech from the Coalition Government.

There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.

By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under News, Politics, Royals

Slow police response causes more ice cream deaths

icecream

99 calls about trivial murders could prevent action on ice cream emergencies

The family of a woman killed by a substandard ice cream has slammed police for the way they handled her case.

Wendy Barker called for help when she noticed her dairy adornments were dangerously lop-sided, but wasn’t taken seriously by official call handlers. Campaigners are calling for coppers to treat mistreated treats more professionally, or risk ‘getting monkey blood on their hands’.

“This poor woman experienced a very real and traumatising sprinkle crisis, only to be told by police to phone back if she’d been murdered”, claimed close friend Pippa Delaney. “There needs to be a separate number for these ice-cream based emergencies. Perhaps they could call it the Cones Hotline?”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Slow police response causes more ice cream deaths

Filed under Around Harold, Food, Law and Order

Chinese troops out in force for 25th anniversary of ‘nothing happening, honest’

tiananmen

Genuine photo. Honest.

Chinese officials today confirmed that the massive numbers of troops moving into position around Beijing’s Tiananmen Square were there to guard against commemoration of the day in 1989 when “nothing much happened at all.”

Allegations of any kind of ruthless bloody massacre in the Square have always been furiously denied by China’s rulers, with their counter-arguments so persuasive that few if any locals have ever made the claims twice.

“Twenty-five years ago today was a day just like any other,’ explained the Chinese Foreign Minister.  “When nothing happened, nothing at all. We’re marking the occasion with a massive display of force, but I wouldn’t read anything into that. Not if I were you.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Chinese troops out in force for 25th anniversary of ‘nothing happening, honest’

Filed under International News

Church bans priests from being fascists: misogynists and homophobes still welcome

12_05_16_ugly_vestment

The fashion-challenged are also warmly embraced

The Church of England has banned clergy from being members of the BNP or the National Front however it was quick to reassure its priests that other forms of bigotry are still absolutely fine. Continue reading

Comments Off on Church bans priests from being fascists: misogynists and homophobes still welcome

Filed under Religion

Rare iPhone without cracked screen discovered

A preview of the iPhone 6

A preview of the iPhone 6

An extremely rare example of an iPhone without a cracked screen has been discovered in Dunstable. It was previously believed that every iPhone that had ever been taken out of the box and used had subsequently been broken, but this find finally disproves that theory.

It is especially significant for Simon James, an iPhone enthusiast who made the discovery. He has been searching for the mythical ‘unbroken used iPhone’ since the iPhone 3G was released back in 2008. Continue reading

Comments Off on Rare iPhone without cracked screen discovered

Filed under News

Award of 2022 World Cup to Sicily “not due to corruption” says Mafia Don

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

FIFA were caught up in further controversy today following their decision to strip the hosting of the 2022 World Cup from Qatar and instead award it to Sicily.

Critics are claiming that the new vote was, if anything, even more corrupt than the original process that saw the World Cup awarded to Qatar. These claims have been strenuously denied by Matteo Messina Denaro, who headed up the Sicily 2022 bid. Continue reading

Comments Off on Award of 2022 World Cup to Sicily “not due to corruption” says Mafia Don

Filed under News, Sport

Eleven comedians prevented from boarding flight to World Cup

spoof_england_team

Obvious imposters

Police have prevented a group of eleven comedians from boarding the England World Cup plane as it left Luton Airport on Sunday.

According to officials, the men were wearing identical suits to the England travelling party, and were masquerading as professional footballers.

It was only after airport staff noticed the squad’s obvious lack of co-ordination and inability to keep possession of their luggage that the alarm was raised.

After being interviewed by police, the men confessed they were merely taking part in a comedy team called “England”, in which they play the roles of fictional sportsmen.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Eleven comedians prevented from boarding flight to World Cup

Filed under World Cup

Spanish King’s abdication causes Prince Charles to have wet dream

An excited Charles polishes his Crown

An excited Charles polishes his Crown

Prince Charles is said to be ‘very excited’ at the news King Juan Carlos of Spain is abdicating after a 39 year long reign.

“It’s coming, it’s coming, I’m going to be King soon” spurted Charles as he retired to his room to watch some Coronation porn and polish his Crown. When Charles emerged 15 minutes later he declared he was ‘hereditary and ready’.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Spanish King’s abdication causes Prince Charles to have wet dream

Filed under Royals

Gove reduces GCSEs to a single question: ‘Are your parents rich?’

Pupils sit a GCSE maths exam at the Harris Academy South Norwood in south east London

GCSEs are very important and the knowledge you gain essential in real life. Said no one ever.

Michael Gove has today defended his controversial reform of GCSEs. By throwing out the entire curriculum and instead requiring pupils to simply answer the question ‘are your parents rich?’ the Education Secretary says the results will give a much more honest assessment of pupils’ future prospects. Continue reading

Comments Off on Gove reduces GCSEs to a single question: ‘Are your parents rich?’

Filed under Education

England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

despondency

“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”

At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.

”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”

Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading

Comments Off on England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

Filed under 1966, News, Sport, World Cup

Jurassic farce: Desperate Tories clone past leader to woo voters from UKIP

Margaret-Thatcher1

Everyone stay still, her vision is based on movement

Following another incident in the South West the Tory party has finally admitted that it has been cloning Margaret Thatcher and other past members that it believes will appeal specifically to Ukip voters. Operation Enoch is believed to have been running for at least a year and be located on Lundy island twelve miles off the Devon coast.

Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Politics