Jurassic farce: Desperate Tories clone past leader to woo voters from UKIP

Everyone stay still, her vision is based on movement

Following another incident in the South West the Tory party has finally admitted that it has been cloning Margaret Thatcher and other past members that it believes will appeal specifically to Ukip voters. Operation Enoch is believed to have been running for at least a year and be located on Lundy island twelve miles off the Devon coast.

“Let me assure you all that Operation Enoch is one hundred per cent safe and secure,” David Cameron said at a press conference. “There is absolutely no risk to the general public and no chance of any of our test clones leaving the island or breeding independently.”

With only the smallest pause and no change in expression or demeanour the Prime Minister then proceeded to confirm that clones have escaped the island and are breeding independently.

“The government’s advice at this time is to go about your normal day-to-day lives as hard working Britons,” he said. “So far there have only been been a handful of attacks by a Thatcher and none of those handbaggings resulted in serious injury.”

“While the Enochs are scattering it seems that the Thatchers are all heading towards Westminster and I look forward to welcoming them and having them campaign with me at the next general election.”

“And if that doesn’t win us back all the Ukip voters then we’ll bring out our biggest weapon,” said Mr Cameron. “Although at the moment the cloning of Sir Winston Churchill is proving problematic. So far every single one has for some reason been very annoyed with us modern Tories.”