Monthly Archives: December 2013

NASA urgently working to put critical space station repairs out to tender

ISS

‘I’ll be back in an hour. I haven’t got the parts on my van.’

A team of contract managers at NASA are working ’round the clock’ to build a tender process for urgent repairs to the International Space Station.

With a critical pump that controls the cooling system failing outside of warranty, finding a contractor that offers value for money has become the agency’s number one priority.

Astronauts on the ISS had hoped to make repairs themselves, but were warned such a move would be considered ‘anti-competitive’.
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Filed under Politics, science, Technology

Cocaine recategorised as Class ABC1

cocaine

‘No’ to junkies, ‘yes’ to aspirational cocaine consumers.

Politicians have called for cocaine to be recategorised as Class ABC1, which would restrict its use to those with a demographic very similar to politicians.

While the use of recreational drugs by poor people has long been frowned upon, MPs and senior police believe ‘now is the time’ to reassess their impact on architects, dentists and TV chefs.

“We want the public to know that casual drug use will not be tolerated”, said Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. “But smart-casual drug use is fine.”
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Filed under Food, Law and Order, Lifestyle

Did someone say schadenfreude?

roflbot

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by | December 21, 2013 · 10:39 am

Interpol release terrifying portrait of wanted war criminal

Have you seen this man?

Have you seen this man?

Interpol have commissioned a terrifying portrait of notorious war criminal Tony Blair and placed it in the National Portrait Gallery in a last ditch attempt to bring him to justice.

European Interpol chief Claude Reinmens said the search for Blair had gone cold and they needed the public’s help. “We have searched all the obvious places, Blair’s 9 houses, oil company headquarters, and Wendi Deng’s bedroom. We even searched the International Criminal Court in the Hague, but they hadn’t seen him either.”
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Filed under Crime, International News, Law and Order, Politics

Lunar robot ‘planning Christmas firework display’

moonsparkle

China may one day put a pyrotechnician on the moon.

A row has broken out between the US and China over a Christmas Day Special Event which was meant to be a surprise for everyone on Earth at Christmas.

The diplomatic row comes after NASA spotted China’s lunar robot placing Roman Candles around the edges of craters on the moon’s surface.  China has complained that NASA just wanted to spoil the surprise because they didn’t think of it.

“The US hasn’t bothered with the moon for many moons,” said Yun-Tsi Tao, head of the Chinese Space Agency.  “Now, all of a sudden, just because we put a robot up there, they’re all goggle-eyed and spoiling the surprise of the Supreme Leader’s gift to the rest of humankind at Christmas, a firework display on the waning gibbous.”

There were fears that the row could escalate after NASA observed the robot flatten the US flag placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969.  But the situation was defused when the robot carefully put the flag upright again, apparently of its own volition.  “We thought it had a moral conscience for a minute,” said NASA, “but, no.  It nailed a Catherine Wheel on the flagpole.”

NASA has said it had no idea the fireworks were meant to be a surprise, claiming that most people could see what was going on up there with the naked eye.  “I mean, I was looking through a pair of home-made binoculars that my 7-year-old made from a plastic kit,” said NASA spokesman Flt Lt Denver Colorado, “and I had no trouble reading the name of the factory printed on the fireworks.  Boy, they’re big rockets!”

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Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, Intergalactic News, science, Showbusiness, Technology

Independent Scotland “can forget about bringing its washing home at weekends”

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.

Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading

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Celebration as woman finally discovers what the flaps on the end of kitchen foil boxes are for

plastic-wrap-and-foil-box-trick-2-web

You didn’t know these things were there either, did you?

There was celebration in Harold as a woman discovered what the flaps on the ends of kitchen foil boxes are for and used a roll of foil correctly for the very first time.

“I’d always used it the way God intended,” said Sally Lloyd owner of Sally’z Cut’z hair and beauty salon. “You open the box, tug on it a bit, then struggle to get the serrated edge to work and nine times out of ten the whole roll falls out at that point so you have a little but heartfelt swear and try again.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Food

Xmas Party misconduct claims plunge – office gossips face spending January working

TwatmugMorale of many UK workers is at an all-time low after the office Xmas Party season generated next to no complaints of sexual indiscretions, punch-ups, and inappropriate Secret Santa gifts. With the traditional January pastime of gossiping over the progress of colleague’s disciplinary proceedings under threat, there is widespread fear amongst employees that they will have to spend the month actually doing work.

The sudden drop in complaints has caught HR specialists by surprise, with a variety of theories advanced to explain the worrying phenomenon.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture

Police warn public ‘not to approach’ escaped animatronic penis

20131219-092132.jpg

Police in Harold have warned the public to be on the look out for an escaped six foot animatronic penis. The man-sized phallus is not thought to be dangerous but does have a tendency to spout some unsavoury stuff from its head.

The penis was constructed by Harold Technologies Ltd and designed to help artificially inseminate elephants as part of a nature conservation project however there appears to be a fault in the programming.

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Filed under News, Politics, science

World on brink of new Cold War as Dota 2 scraps sign-ups

Cold-War

The good old days, said no one ever.

Vladimir Putin is today threatening to bring “death to the West” over the PC game Dota 2. Earlier this week all player restrictions were removed by online game provider Steam forcing Western gamers to play alongside Russians: a move which has proved as successful as a Gauls and Romans harmony and togetherness workshop.

Dota 2 is a strategy/action game where players who are often total strangers are thrown together to form teams, attack another team and defend their buildings in a pleasing looking fantasy land. Less pleasing is that players talk to each other over mics while doing this. Continue reading

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Surprise as badgers win Person of the Year award

IFA-00006629-001

“Defra can kiss my stripy arse.”

There was surprise today as the Person of the Year was revealed to be not a person but an entire species as the UK’s 288,000 strong badger population scooped the prestigious prize.

“It’s been a great year for badgers,” said Lynne Parsons, head of the judging panel. “They not only ran an effective and highly organised campaign against the badger cull which resulted in it being called off  but they also ensured that Brian May was on TV a lot which was a treat for both fans of classic rock and massive hair alike.” Continue reading

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BBC implicated in Ronnie Biggs ‘apparent death’ publicity scam

Biggs - pictured shortly after his 'death'

Biggs – pictured shortly after his ‘death’

The authenticity of the news of the death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been surrounded by mystery since the announcement of his demise so neatly ties in with the BBC mini-series screening of a drama about the ‘so called’ Great Train Robbery.

Having been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’, Biggs’ remarkable recovery from ‘death’s door’ in 2009 was bound to raise speculation that his current ‘death’ was no more than another publicity scam for one final payday from the BBC. Continue reading

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Archaeologists find ancient visitor centre below new Stonehenge visitor centre

visitor centre

Archaeologists have found earthen jam jars, crude tea towels and an early pen with a feather stuck in it.

A team of archaeologists has made a startling discovery near Stonehenge – an ancient visitor centre, dating back to the Mesolithic period.

Crudely constructed from stone and featuring ramp access for chariots, the ancient visitor centre was found while digging the foundations for a new visitor centre on the same spot.

“At first we weren’t sure what we’d found, which means it was definitely for ritual purposes”, said local historian George Hubert. “But we kept on digging, and soon discovered what appeared to be a diorama.”

The diorama is thought to represent the famous circle of standing stones, but was clearly made from old teeth and bits of knee caps.
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Filed under Culture, Lost and Found, Technology, Vikings

Lords confirm: ‘we’re all in this together’

piglords

‘Hurry up, I’ve got a lobbying company to meet in 40 minutes’.

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DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ scent faces lengthy legal battle

gert lush

The ‘swede’ smell of success.

An amateur perfumier is facing a ruinous legal fight, after ignoring a ‘cease and desist’ order from Donna Karan.

Farmer Phil Evans from Harold turned his hand to producing cosmetics, because ‘it seemed less bother than rummaging about in cows’.

DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ is literally a ground-breaking new scent: it’s made from a combination of root vegetables and a strange liquid he found beneath the chicken shed. “On top of that there’s some animal glands that are a bit too rank for sausages”, he smiled. “That’s just what they do with the posh stuff, that is. Only they normally calls it ‘musk’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Law and Order

Tottenham ‘were bad in a past life’ explains Glenn Hoddle

hoddlewaddle

Consulting new spirit guide ‘Chree-Shwa-Dell’ (check this)

Former Tottenham playmaker and mystic Glenn Hoddle has controversially claimed that the reason for the side’s current lack of footballing health can be explained by the bad form of the club in its previous incarnations.

In remarks certain to infuriate many, the ex-Spur insisted to journalists today that the principles of “soccarma” meant that the previous decades of poor performance have had the effect of condemning the current generation of players to the limbo of mid-table obscurity. Continue reading

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Simon Cowell to overhaul X Factor format after unattractive older woman wins

It's not about singing

It’s not about singing

Simon Cowell has announced that he will drastically overhaul the format of the X Factor for 2014 to ensure that a talented, but unattractive older woman does not accidentally win the show again.

Sam Bailey, 36, was crowned the winner of the show’s tenth series on Sunday after some incredible vocal performances, but Cowell is concerned that she is not photogenic enough to sell posters and magazines to teenage girls. Continue reading

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‘But he doesn’t have a personality’ say people with no personality

More like 'no personality'! Eh? Eh? I'm right aren't I?

More like ‘no personality’! Eh? Eh? I’m right aren’t I?

With Andy Murray named as BBC Sports Personality of the Year for 2013, people incapable of thinking for themselves have been busy repeating a ‘joke’ about him not having a personality.

“It’s called Sports Personality of the Year right? Personality, right? So how can Andy Murray win when he doesn’t have a personality??!” said James Luck, an office worker from Northampton, while grinning like he’d just invented comedy. Continue reading

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Terrified family pleads with Twitter users: ‘please don’t return evil bear’

evilbear

Polce have warned the public not to approach the bear, which is believed to be manky.

Police are urging Twitter users to to ignore a picture of a ‘lost’ bear, claiming that the evil animal is plotting revenge on its previous owners.

Known only as ‘Bear X’, the synthetic creature kidnapped a woman with quite tidy writing, and forced her to produce a letter to help him track the terrified family down.

Speaking from Dunstable hospital where she is being treated for shock, the woman assured a press conference that the bear was ‘absolute scum’.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lost and Found, News

England cricket team put down by Perth vet

dead cricketer

Had a good innings – just not recently…

Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances,  the England cricket team was finally put out of its misery today by a sympathetic Perth veterinary surgeon.

Like a horse with a broken leg, a blind dog or a really crap cricket team, spirit broken and body reduced to a wheezing shell, England had been reluctantly hobbling blindly onward under the whip of public opinion. By the end the team were little more than things of amusement for the howling cruelty of the Australian crowds and David Warner. Continue reading

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