Xmas Party misconduct claims plunge – office gossips face spending January working

Morale of many UK workers is at an all-time low after the office Xmas Party season generated next to no complaints of sexual indiscretions, punch-ups, and inappropriate Secret Santa gifts. With the traditional January pastime of gossiping over the progress of colleague’s disciplinary proceedings under threat, there is widespread fear amongst employees that they will have to spend the month actually doing work.

The sudden drop in complaints has caught HR specialists by surprise, with a variety of theories advanced to explain the worrying phenomenon.

“The Xmas Party seemed normal enough – bum photocopying, vomiting in Debbie’s ‘in-tray’, and mild frottage” said Dunstable Council HR manager Colleen Hitchens. “The Secret Santa presents were also traditional – crotchless knickers, past their expiry date condoms, and a meat pack for Steve the overly-sensitive vegetarian.”

“But after the party no hell broke loose. No complaints, no managers speaking in hushed tones, not even a mild Facebook rant. It was as if staff had weirdly decided to not sweat the small stuff and to just concentrate on enjoying Xmas with their friends and family. From an HR perspective this is very concerning – without all the disciplinary proceedings to advise on, management might overreact and rename HR ‘Payroll’.”

Spurred on by the horrifying prospect of a January spent working, office gossips and amateur workplace dramatists are taking drastic action about the lack of human complaints and are laying complaints on behalf of violated photocopiers, soiled in-trays, and expired condoms. Some are even laying complaints about the complete absence of complaints.

But other employees just want to put their heads down and make a flying start to the year’s work without any fuss.

Dunstable Council legal advisor Andy Einstein said rather than get worried about ‘expired condoms’, it might help easily offended people to just regard them as small pieces of latex that have lost their elasticity as the result of the natural aging process.