Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances, the England cricket team was finally put out of its misery today by a sympathetic Perth veterinary surgeon.
Like a horse with a broken leg, a blind dog or a really crap cricket team, spirit broken and body reduced to a wheezing shell, England had been reluctantly hobbling blindly onward under the whip of public opinion. By the end the team were little more than things of amusement for the howling cruelty of the Australian crowds and David Warner.
Sentimental memories of a glorious history were not enough to persuade commentators that a quick painless death was not by far the kindest thing. The side has been dying in slow painful misery for weeks, and players such as Alistair Cook seemed to be almost smiling as the final merciful act was carried out earlier behind the WACA ground, using the humane Mitchell Johnson to instantly render them stunned.
“It’s embarrassing, and I should know,” insisted England legend Geoffrey Boycott this morning. “It was cruel to leave them suffering for as long as this, if you ask me. Look at Stuart Broad – the lad’s crippled, he can hardly walk. Mind you, he’s never been much of a one for walking.”
“Still, the team’s been around for a long time – they’ve had a good innings. Although not recently, of course.”
There was some hope at first that instead of being humanely destroyed the team could be put out to stud, but it was pretty clear to all observers that they simply didn’t have the balls.