Category Archives: Uncategorized

Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading

Comments Off on Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized

‘Corbyn has links to deranged warmonger’ claims Tony Blair

Corbyn has an extremely   unsavoury association with me

Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me

Tony Blair has intervened again in the Labour leadership contest, this time demanding that Jeremy Corbyn explain his links to a deranged warmonger who launched an illegal war in the Middle East in 2003.

Corbyn, the current front-runner in the leadership race, is alleged to have served in a party led by the war criminal for over ten years. Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Corbyn has links to deranged warmonger’ claims Tony Blair

Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Geordies to be banned from public sector jobs under ‘fluent English’ rules

They seem pleased about something but it's difficult to tell when you don't understand them

They seem pleased about something but it’s difficult to tell when you don’t understand them

Government proposals to bar anybody who doesn’t speak fluent English from public sector roles have resulted in all Geordies being put at risk of redundancy.

The entire staff of Newcastle General Hospital were given notice after Cabinet minister Matt Hancock visited last week and was left staring blankly at everybody who spoke to him.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Geordies to be banned from public sector jobs under ‘fluent English’ rules

Filed under News, Uncategorized

Parliament’s favourite porn searches revealed.

David CameronFollowing a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading

Comments Off on Parliament’s favourite porn searches revealed.

Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized

Government unveils new national uniform for public sector workers.

min

I didn’t like it at first, but it Gru on me.

Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.

The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Badgers, Civil rights, DWP, Fashion, Movies, Politics, Uncategorized

Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.

British is who you are, not what you are.

Question 1.

You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you

A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?

B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.

Question 2.

You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you

A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.

B – Take the piss out of his shoes?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?

Question 3.

You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you

A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?

B – Laugh?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?

Question 4.

You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you

A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?

B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?

Question 5.

You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you

A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?

B – Throw stones at her until she cries?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?

Time to check your answers.

Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.

Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.

Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.

Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.

Comments Off on Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.

Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Culture, Europe, International News, Lifestyle, News, Politics, Society, Uncategorized

“Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down”: Cameron’s Calais plan in full

game-thrones-season-5-spoilers-white-walkers-hardhome

To be fair to Calais police some of these chaps who are intent on getting into the UK do seem a bit highly strung. We wouldn’t want to tackle them either.

  1. Blame the French.
  2. Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down.

  3. Never mention that under the Coalition the Border Force had 20% slashed from its budget and its workforce reduced by 5,200. Continue reading

Comments Off on “Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down”: Cameron’s Calais plan in full

Filed under Politics, Uncategorized

This summer’s news stories in one easy article

SummerHave you ever wondered why the summer’s news is tediously predictable? Well, the EH can exclusively reveal that all newspapers pre-write the summer news so journalists can sod off to the beach rather than sit in sweaty offices waiting for something to happen. Which it never does.

So here is a sample of what we have already written for the summer:

16th July: The temperature sneaks above 20 degrees and a heatwave is finally declared. First use of “Scorcher” in a headline.  Everyone rushes to the beaches and then rushes away again after a killer shark panic on a Devonian beach. The Great White Shark turns out to be a boringly harmless basking shark. Continue reading

Comments Off on This summer’s news stories in one easy article

Filed under Around Harold, Media, Uncategorized

Black and White Minstrels reappraised as trans-racial trailblazers

minstrels

Their sacrifice paved the way for a white woman to be promoted to the top of a black organisation.

Indefensible racists the Black and White Minstrels have been praised for their brave promotion of trans-racial awareness.

Once a subject that was as much non-existent as it was controversial, trans-racial issues were given a voice by white men who blacked up and sang songs that made light of slavery.

The group of pioneers were the first to reject the burden placed on them by a thousand years of privileged chance genetics, and model themselves instead on Uncle Ben’s rice packets.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Black and White Minstrels reappraised as trans-racial trailblazers

Filed under Entertainment, Society, Uncategorized

Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading

Comments Off on Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Crime, idiots, Law and Order, Motoring, Police, Society, Uncategorized

Arrested FIFA officials vow to clear their names, at any cost

imageFIFA officials arrested on corruption charges in Zürich have vowed to clear their names at any cost, and probably in brown envelopes.

Speaking from the prison cell some believe should be Sepp Blatter’s new office, one of the arrested men explained he had his lawyers working with some of the best accountants in the land to secure his release.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Arrested FIFA officials vow to clear their names, at any cost

Filed under Uncategorized

For Sale: Dead Weight

Stoned

Stoned

For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.

Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.

One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.

Comments Off on For Sale: Dead Weight

Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, idiots, Labour, Politics, smallads, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

British Wind for British People

British Wind for British People

There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.

Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading

Comments Off on Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized

African people: a pictorial guide

What Katie Hopkins thinks they are:

cockroaches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Nigel Farage thinks they are: Continue reading

Comments Off on African people: a pictorial guide

Filed under Uncategorized

Skeletons ‘disappointed’ at CPS’s decision to keep them locked in closet

image Skeletons in the Westminster area have said they are ‘disappointed’ by the CPS’s decision not to let them out of the closet they have been locked in for decades.

The skeletons are currently locked away in a closet somewhere in the central London, however it is looking increasingly likely they will only see the light of day when a few more Lords and Ladies have died.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Evening Harold live blog: Seven-way leaders’ debate as it happened

debateFollow us here for the latest reaction to the seven-way leaders’ debate on ITV and BBC News channel at 8pm

As always we welcome you comments
Tweet us – @EveningHarold
or send us a Facebook message Facebook.com/theEveningHarold
or send us a text. Start your message with JA39F and sent to 60777. Messages will be charged at your standard message rate. Continue reading

Comments Off on Evening Harold live blog: Seven-way leaders’ debate as it happened

Filed under Uncategorized

Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.

The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.

Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

Queen will join Windsor Castle workers on the picket line

imageFollowing the news staff at Windsor Castle are balloting for strike action over working conditions, the Queen has said if there is a yes vote, she will join them on the picket line.

“All we want is a living wage” one worker explained, “which if you own this castle is about £40m a year and a few rent-free houses”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Queen will join Windsor Castle workers on the picket line

Filed under Uncategorized

Leaders’ debate live blog – as it happened

Continue reading

Comments Off on Leaders’ debate live blog – as it happened

Filed under Uncategorized

Highways Agency regrets awarding road maintenance contract to ISIS.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading

Comments Off on Highways Agency regrets awarding road maintenance contract to ISIS.

Filed under Badgers, bombs, gritters, idiots, Politics, Religion, Society, Transport, Uncategorized