Category Archives: Badgers

Women marchers should protest in Saudi Arabia where they’re treated even more badly, say idiots

Why protest Trump while there are evil badgers?

The million or so women who took to the streets to protest against Donald Trump should have marched in Saudi Arabia instead because things are even worse there, according to idiots on Facebook.

The protests have arisen from a widespread repugnance at Trump’s racism, aggression and abuse of women, but that doesn’t count because in some other countries they have stoning, idiots argue.

“I think they’ve got a nerve,” announced Steve Goughlin of somewhere in Ohio probably. “Don’t they know that women get badly treated somewhere else? Why aren’t they there? Pussies.”

When it was pointed out to idiots that this meant no-one could ever protest against anything unless they were in the worst situation in the world, idiots disagreed.

“Not just this world!” clarified Goughlin. “Why, according to the many-universes multiverse hypothesis, there’s a planet in some random dimension where all the women are eaten alive by badgers EVERY DAY!”

“And when you ask why these women aren’t protesting there, they just don’t have an answer.”

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Filed under Badgers, US Elections

Jeremy Corbyn offers Owen Smith job as Labour Party gimp.

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Taking one for the team.

Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Corby's Corner, Labour, News, Politics, Sex, Tony Blair

“Something nice bound to happen soon,” says everyone hopefully

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Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace

As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?

“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, International News

Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Cameron fights back with Brstayin campaign.

Briton in europe

Artist’s impression of Britton in Europe

Following his latest political kick in the nuts from Michael Howard earlier today, David Cameron has attempted to counter Brexit’s growing momentum by launching the Brstayin campaign.

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Filed under Badgers, Europe, Independence referendum, News, Politics

Man killed by 100-ft cheese badger was ‘living the dream’

cheesebadger

Living the dream…

Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.

Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.

Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.

“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”

Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.

“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”

“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”

“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Health

Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

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B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space

Neanderthal genes to blame for Donald Trump.

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The future of politics.

Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, idiots, News, Politics, science, Society

Family hospitalised as infectious yawn loop takes hold during ‘Les Miserables’.

yawning-childThe Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Health, idiots, Medicine, News

Office violence in Harold as ‘Best Ever Xmas Hits’ CD repeats for the 100th time.

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Peace on you.

With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.

Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Christmas, Crime, music, News, Society

“Air strike decision on hold until we decide what to call the bad people” – PM.

ISIS

Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria

David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.

The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, bombs, idiots, Labour, Law and Order, Media, News, Politics, Society, War

Joy as beloved dead bear’s head goes on display.

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Pooh – what’s that smell?

As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.

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Filed under Badgers, Children, Culture, Education, Media, News, Showbusiness, skeleton, Society, TV

BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

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The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness

Woman fails to mention cancerous child and demented parent when complaining about her energy bill.

‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’

Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Business, Children, idiots, Lifestyle, Media, News, Society, Technology

Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Health, idiots, News, Social media, Society, spam, Technology

Chernobyl ‘wildlife sanctuary’ revelations rule out nukes for badger cull

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The sum of all fears.

The discovery that wildlife is thriving in the Chernobyl exclusion zone has caused a rethink on using Trident against badgers.

Despite badgers being linked to the spread of bovine TB, the sheer number of moths near Reactor 4 caused a brief pause in the launch countdown.

“Our experts had spotted a family of badgers on the Avon border”, revealed DEFRA minister George Eustice. “And at least one of them seemed to have a slight cough.”
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Filed under Badgers, environment

Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

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Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Civil rights, Europe, News, Save The Children, Society, Travel, War, Weather

Pig reveals all in kiss and tell exposé

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Ham Fisted

The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.

Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.

 

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, News, Politics, Sex, skeleton, Society, spam, Troubled Families

Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized

Stephen Fry, Robert Mugabe and The Queen among this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line up.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 17:  Queen Elizabeth II meets Steven Fry during the Dramatic Arts reception at Buckingham Palace on February 17, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by David Crump - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor

The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor  and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, Crime, Entertainment, idiots, Royals, Showbusiness, TV