Come on out with your paws up
Tiddles the cat, described in court as a ‘notorious mouse molester’ was found guilty yesterday of harassment likely to lead to the grievous bodily harm of a fellow animal.
The trial was conducted without the appearance of the unamed victim, who is believed to be holed up, having gone into hiding, but legal representatives entered a guilty plea on behalf of Tiddles, 6, due to the overwhelming evidence against the feline felon.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News, Politics
Left Back in the past
Following discussions with human rights campaigner Peter Tachell, the Police have decreed that all chants and songs will be monitored to ensure that they are appropriate and politically balanced at all times.
Failure to adhere to the new rules could result in a ban and fans will be unable to travel to Brazil to support England in the World Cup. Not that they will be allowed to only support England as that would be biased which is strictly prohibited.
As the traditional “We hate Nottingham Forest” song is now outlawed, the Evening Harold has provided the following a new song for fans everywhere: Continue reading
The Dizzy Heights Hotel
Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.
The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.
Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading
Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.
In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.
Harold resident Alfie Brooks was delighted yesterday to be named as the winner of one of Britain’s longest running competitions.
Ringo Starr and Paul MacCartney both made the trip to Harold in person to announce Alfie as the winner of the “Which is the best Beatles album?” competition launched in 1970.
The competition was originally due to end in 1971, when George Martin sent the answer to Ringo. However Ringo misplaced the envelope and assuming it had been used as roach material, they decided to ‘Let it be’ and the competition rumble on for a further 42 years…outliving two of the Beatles! The contest has led to fierce debate around the country, not least in the Squirrel Lickers Arms where the pub landlord Eddie once broke a regular’s femur for suggesting that Rubber Soul was better than Abbey Road. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Crime
Is it a chocolate log?
The gala opening of Dunstable’s new multi-million pound swimming and leisure complex hit a bum note yesterday, after a patron took ‘bombing the pool’ literally.
Just moments after the official opening ceremony, and within minutes of the great and good of Dunstable, Harold and Felching taking the plunge into the state-of-the-art pool, local school children, politicians and selected villagers were evacuated after an evacuation of an altogether different kind.
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Filed under Around Harold, News
The only bush to be shaped with wax strips
There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.
Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Royals
The brochure describes the prison pool as one of the finest in the UK
With the education system bringing a larger gap in quality between private and state schools, the privatisation of prisons has seen a record numbers of criminal families going to increasing lengths to get their kin into Dunstable’s private prison operated by G4S, as opposed to other local state alternatives.
“We have found people using false addresses, lying about siblings who are already in the prison and even impersonating family members in an attempt to secure places” the Governor of the prison has said.
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“a week on Tuesday”
Harold’s abattoir ‘Stun Guns n Gas Hoses’ is centre to yet further scandal this week after information received from a whistleblower working at the plant has led to an urgent investigation by the Food Standards Agency (FSA).
With the furore surrounding the horse meat scandal seemingly over, those in the animal slaughtering industry had been hoping for a return to normality, but the latest revelation is far more shocking than a little Shergar in your sausages.
Food & Drink with Miles Anour
Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?
Like many other people, my day always starts with a cup of coffee. Admittedly I start my day several hours later than most people, but that’s due to the heavy research that a professional writer, like what I am, has to undertake.
So there I am, standing in the queue trying to reconstruct the hazy segments of the previous evening when I hear the following grating order from a customer.
“Could I get a grande dry cappuccino?”
I have BIG ISSUES with this seemingly simple request. First, what goes the customer mean by the phrase ‘could I get’. Does he wish to serve himself? Make the barista redundant, perhaps? Surely he either means ‘Could I have?’ or ‘Could you get?’ Continue reading
Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick
One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.
Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.
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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Uncategorized
Not as daft as she looks?
An elderly lady has been charged with wasting police time after she apparently became disorientated on a routine shopping trip.
Police were called out after Elsie Duggan, 86, became lost on her way back from a visit to the Tesco Express after appearing confused at the checkout. After a search, she was found sitting on a bench near the war memorial.
“It is true that we have charged an elderly woman with wasting police time,” said PC Anita Flegg defending police actions. “Were supposed to do exciting things like driving fast patrol cars and chasing international villains – not spend our time looking for lost cats or rescuing senile pensioners from trees. Do you know how much it costs to call out a police helicopter these days?”
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.
At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”
Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading
Brenda had all the answers
In a huge upset, the winner of the 2013 edition of University Challenge is the University of Life, a team composed entirely of Harold locals whose formal education ended at the age of 14 or earlier.
The University of Life’s victory was all the more surprising as the team had not qualified for the final, but was a last minute replacement for the University College of London who mysteriously didn’t turn up to the BBC studio on time.
University of Life team captain and Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said he felt for the University College of London team, but their navigational woes could have been easily avoided if they had spent less time studying classic Greek and Roman literature, and more time studying classic Wacky Racers cartoons, with the Dick Dastardly sign-switching routine.
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News
Red faced police chiefs have admitted that a major crime investigation was held up for months due to their failure to agree a suitable code name for the operation.
Speaking at a press conference following publication of an Independent Police Complaints Commission report condemning the ineptitude of the Eastern Counties Police Force, Chief Constable Paul Kingsley admitted that there had been more focus on image than on tracking down the illegal migrant worker crime ring that the task team was intended to pursue.
Defending his actions, Kingsley was anxious to stress that the police were not institutionally publicist and explained that it was important to find a code name for an operation. Continue reading
In yet another example of correctional politicalness gone wild, a school has barred its teachers from marking children’s homework using pupil’s blood. Apparently the molly-coddling move is aimed at preventing hurting students’ feelings, and stopping them bleeding to death.
The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, took his concerns to Parliament after a local teacher approached him saying her secondary school had suddenly banned staff using pupil’s blood.
“Apparently it is all about not wanting to discourage youngsters if their work is marked wrong” fumed Mr Chadwick.
“But children need to understand the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, and what better way to do that than use a vial of a pupil’s own blood to scrawl over every misplaced apostrophe. It’s polectional correticalness gone mad.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News
One of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.
Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.
In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.
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Filed under Crime, DNA, Golden Showers, International News
Trampsfest – Salvation à la mode and a cup of tea.
Men of the road from across the country will be descending on Harold for the 53rd annual Trampsfest gathering later this week.
Thousands of tramps, vagrants, vagabonds, derelicts and panhandlers are expected to attend the festival to enjoy two days of fun, drinking, music, competitions, drinking, socialising and drinking.
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Digital trickery
Forward-thinking technocrats from the Harold council have announced their intention for the village to move into the cutting-edge world of internet virtual finance by ‘minting’ the district’s first and only Bitcoin.
Bitcoins are a relatively new financial phenomenon, and are created when computers solve a complicated mathematical problem. The resultant binary data lives only on the internet, but can actually be converted into real cash on the money exchanges. The “coin”‘s emergence has created a new currency which is only used by sophisticated computer experts, and has no real existence in the physical world.
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Filed under Around Harold, science, Uncategorized
12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.
Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.
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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Showbusiness
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