“I first realized I was psychic next Monday” ― Dean Cavanagh
Sparkly idiot magnet Sally Morgan took time out from ripping off the credulous and the vulnerable to sack her husband and her son-in-law after they threatened a man handing out leaflets querying whether or not she can actually talk to the dead. Continue reading
Comments Off on Celebrity psychic forced to sack husband over violent threats: We have one question
Filed under Entertainment
Bless him, he’s tired
Raheem Sterling has suggested that the introduction of designated ‘nap breaks’ into football matches would help prevent a repeat of the fatigue that saw him left out of the England starting line-up at the weekend.
The Liverpool winger has claimed that the issue of young players being a bit sleepy is one that is not widely acknowledged within the game, calling for greater understanding, and maybe a thirty minute break to be introduced into each half of a match for them to have a little sleep. Continue reading
Comments Off on Raheem Sterling calls for ‘nap time’ to be introduced to football matches
Filed under Sport
EH artist’s impression of the victim in happier times
Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.
Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”
“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?” Continue reading
We’d make a crack about what a fatty he is but as the saying goes ‘let he who is without brie cast the first wheel’
Mendacious man mountain Kim Jong-un has been seen out and about in Pyongyang according to North Korean state media.
“Our glorious leader has visited two locations very important to making our great nation stronger and better,” a statement released earlier today said. “We’re not giving specific dates and times nor is there any footage of these visits, which totally did happen, you guys, we BFFs forever pinky-swear, because reasons.”
“Kim Jong-un is well and dedicates all his time to serving his beloved people by heroically consuming more calories in a day than the rest of us have access to in a week and hanging out with Dennis Rodman.”
These words sparked carefully orchestrated scenes of spontaneous joy on the streets of Pyongyang and a state of ecstasy in the below the line comments on the Guardian website.
Comments Off on Joy as Kim Jong-un appears in public on an unspecified date without being photographed
Filed under International News
Charities helped by shoppers from the supermarket Waitrose have written to the company to ask them to stop sending donations as they “now have more than enough green plastic tokens to be getting on with.”
The scheme run by the supermarket sees shoppers swap the guilt of paying £15 for a bunch of six organic, corn-fed bananas, ripened in the armpits of a small foreign child, for the chance to donate green tokens to the charity of their choice as part of their ‘community matters’ initiative. Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘Please stop sending us green tokens’, charities tell Waitrose
Filed under charity
Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven
The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading
Comments Off on Nurse magnet is go! NHS hospitals renting noisiest machines to the selfish
Filed under Health
Clacton’s returning officer last night
There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.
Where does it come from? The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.
Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.
Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading
Pre-animation: Simon, Cheryl, Mel and Louis
This weekend’s X-Factor hangs in the balance due to a lack of animators to bring life to Simon Cowell’s and Cheryl’s botox numbed faces. Normally carried out by Wallace and Gromit creators Aardman Animation this highly skilled work is a vital component of the show.
However Aardman are striking for better pay on the grounds that they are not paid enough to have to endure the constant stress of trying to make Simon and Cheryl not look entirely dead behind the eyes. A task which the hard-pressed animators say is beyond even their Oscar-winning talents. Continue reading
Comments Off on Animators strike puts X-Factor in doubt: now who will operate Cheryl’s face?
Filed under Entertainment
Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.
Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.
Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press: Continue reading
The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.
Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news. Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.
“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading
Comments Off on Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website
Filed under Media, News, Social media
“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre
It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading
Comments Off on No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken
Filed under Health
Er…no?
Nope, not with us sadly living on the version of Earth where Richard Littlejohn is real.
We rest our case.
Comments Off on EH investigates: do people only troll when hiding behind internet anonymity?
Filed under News
Angry Birds publishers Rovio are under fire for implementing the cruellest redundancy package since Bluebeard. The company is laying off a significant proportion of its workforce having over-hired in the belief that people would never tire of their product. Prompting critics to wonder if they’ve ever actually met people and how they’ve failed to notice that we have such short attention spans most of us can’t even be bothered to properly complete our cheese Vietnam L.S Lowry tropical fish… Continue reading
Comments Off on First build slingshot: Angry Birds publisher slammed for redundancy contest
Filed under Entertainment
Customers also unsure whether to keep them in the fridge
A Farmer in Harold is under fire after claims his free-range eggs were actually ’round things he found in a field’.
PC Flegg confirmed she’d received a number of calls from disgruntled locals, mainly from the payphone in Dunstable A&E.
“It seems that rather than selling ova from happy hens, farmer David Evans has been boxing up small rocks, clumps of soil and the occasional dog’s egg”, explained Flegg.
“Aside from the obvious questions about hygiene and trading standards, my breakast was ruined by dipping my soldiers in an old doll’s head.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Free-range eggs ‘were just round things found near chickens’
Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food
You can’t see the crossed fingers
The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.
It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.
Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading
Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful
There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)
Comments Off on Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP
Filed under Politics
“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”
The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.
“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Is Ebola spread by Facebook huggzz?
Filed under News
Our betters
Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading
Comments Off on Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation
Filed under Politics
Executives at the BBC are promising the ‘best Glasto ever’ after securing the purchase of every single one of the available tickets.
While last year’s event was marred by the attendance of several mundane people and an accountant wearing a cardigan, 2015’s audience is guaranteed to only feature ‘creatives’.
Continue reading
Comments Off on All 150,000 Glastonbury tickets ‘bought by BBC’
Filed under Culture
Even the local wildlife is included. Look at that naked show-off flaunting itself.
There is a sense of quiet triumph in Harold this afternoon as villagers hail the success of their new solution to the growing problem of hacking.
“Every day some anonymous sod behind a keyboard somewhere says that they’ve hacked people’s phones or clouds and will now distribute the photos of their victims that show the most flesh,” Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson explained. “So rather than waste time worrying about it we on the parish council worked out that if everyone took a naked selfie and everyone saw it then getting hacked wouldn’t be a worry and we can all get on with our lives.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Entire population of village swaps naked photos to thwart hackers
Filed under Around Harold
You must be logged in to post a comment.