White, male, ex-Tory and incumbent MP wins by-election: Ukip hails “huge change”

Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.

Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.

Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press:

“We have a career political class of college kids who have never had jobs in their lives with absolutely no connection to ordinary people and how they are struggling. We need new people.”

He was later seen jubilantly celebrating the re-election of a privately educated career-politician who’s been an MP for the last nine years and was involved in the 2009 expenses scandal. Amongst other things Carswell billed tax payers for was £700 worth of bedding and a £650 loveseat for his home, he also ‘flipped’ residences to avoid paying capital gains tax. Furthermore Carswell is known to have once sneered at a nun before sitting down to write a book calling for the NHS to be wholly privatised.

Ukip now have the same number of MPs as the Respect Party and the Green Party. The amount of policies they have remains unclear.