Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’

cameronthinking1

I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’

A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.

An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.

Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”

“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Election 2015, Politics

Aldi ‘posh’ salmonella chocs ‘should rid store of bourgeois’

aldi aisle

“Clean up in aisle two. Another one’s got in.”

Aldi looks set to finally rid its car parks of Range Rovers, thanks to a range of french-sounding poisonous chocolates.

Choceur Malade, a high-end sweet filled with chunks and a thin green jus, is specifically targeted at ABC1s who spend too long reading wine labels.

“Our store is a ‘volks markt’, we sell burgers in tins, für Gott’s sake”, said store manager Helmut Braun. “We leave posh stuff piled up in the corners as ein trap for red-trousered fops.”
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Filed under Business, Health

Obama shooting latest: Cop explains he saw a black guy stealing the presidential helicopter

ObamaThe police guard who shot President Obama last night as the head of state was striding across the White House lawns toward the presidential helicopter, has defended his actions saying that he “simply did his duty after seeing a suspicious black guy apparently stealing the President’s official helicopter.”

Wayne Derumbo, a white 29 year old US Park Officer,  who was on his first day of duty at the White House when he shot the President said, “I simply did what any officer would do and fired at the black guy as he arrogantly made his way towards Marine One. I didn’t like his attitude, you’d have thought he owned the chopper or something.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, International News, Police

Oldham may pull out of deal to sign Hitler following public backlash

A real threat on the right wing

A real threat on the right wing

Oldham Athletic are considering pulling out of a controversial move for former leader of the German Nazi Party, Adolf Hitler, after 20,000 people signed an online petition opposing the deal.

The man who was Führer of Germany was set to be cloned on Monday and train with the club ahead of signing a long-term contract, but the public opposition may now force a dramatic U-turn. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Sport

Captain Clegg admits beaching party in a desperate attempt to stop it sinking

IMG_0895.JPGThe captain of a political party has taken the decision to beach in a last minute attempt to stop it sinking.

Captain Clegg of the damaged ship Lib Dem admitted finding a location above sea level to beach the party was difficult as since 2010 he has found it very hard to navigate it on the moral high ground.

“As we began the approach May’s election and started to voyage out on our own away from Port Coalition, it was become clear that the party was beginning to sink fast,” Captain Clegg explained.  Continue reading

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PM refuses to rule out coalition with President Snow

catching-fire-president-snow (2)

He may have his faults but he’s a hell of a spiffy dresser

Under intense questioning from Andrew Marr, David Cameron has refused to rule out a post-election coalition between the Tories and President Snow. A prospect that horrified critics have said will make the current government seem like a workers’ co-op run by Michael Palin and Camilla Batmanghelidjh. However the Prime Minister was quick to refute this allegation.
“Cornelius Snow is a good chap,” he asserted. “He works hard and more importantly has immense personal wealth and likes all the things I do. Furthermore his record in giving young people a purpose and a direction in life is second to none.”

Cameron also revealed that President Snow isn’t the only person he’d “do business with” confirming that initial soundings out have taken place between him and Tywin Lannister as well as Lord Voldemort.

“I don’t know why people are getting so het up about the idea,” he said. “These are strong. dynamic leaders. And anyway it’s not like I’m considering doing something that would truly screw the country and talking to Nigel Farage. Only a real fruitcake would consider a coalition with Ukip.”

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Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Washed up lego makes it impossible to walk barefoot on the beach

lego-pile“This washed up Lego means beaches are becoming impossible to walk on barefoot and the language on our seafronts is not suitable for young ears”. That’s the view of councils in Devon and Cornwall as millions of pieces of the foot crippling, expletive inducing plastic building blocks continue to wash ashore following a spillage from a boat in 1997.

“Its bad enough when you step on a piece on the stairs, but this is bloody everywhere,” a councillor in Perranporth, Cornwall explained. “This summer the beach was full of grown adults holding their feet, crying in agony, after stepping on these small pieces of plastic weapons of mass foot destruction.
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Davie says relax: it’s 2015 already in loads of places might as well make a start

p8cameronAFPGETTYfv2

“Cheers to everyone who isn’t called Boris or Nigel.”

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Filed under New Year's Eve

Pardew leaves Newcastle after fans finally stop telling him to piss off

alalpardewwithball

Pardew’s Newcastle team talk “Loyalty. You can’t buy it, but you’ll know it when you see it”

“Once the Pardew Out banners went down” said the manager who’s left behind him the longest contract in UK football history “I thought, ‘Right, you Geordie tossers. I’m off to London, soon-as’.”

Pardew believes the best way to thank owner Mike Ashley for standing by him, whilst his squad played like a Sunday pub team, was to clear off whenever he got a better offer.

“Ideally I’d have nutted one of the ‘sackpardew.com’ organisers before getting on me bike back to the smoke Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Sport

City Link collapse ‘good in parts’ says Harold Curate

bmwonbeach

For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly

St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.

“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”

Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, News, Religion

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: The Top 20

Top 3This is it, the top 20 of our top 50 most irritating people of 2014.

Is that a drum roll we can hear in the distance, or perhaps a fanfare in honour of our No.1?

This list has been lovingly created after weeks of irritable evaluation. Several late bids have been made, but the standard this year is very high, so the person who shook their popcorn behind me continually at the cinema last night has still only reached No.72, just above the creators of Frozen. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Royals, Social media

Network Rail boss turns down £34k bonus due to be paid as a season ticket

IMG_0813.JPG
Network Rail chief executive Mark Carne has turned down his £34,000 bonus which was due to be paid to him in the form of a season ticket for his daily commute.

“We had agreed that as the £34,000 was the equivalent of my season ticket between home and the three stops to work, I would just receive a free season ticket” he explained.

“That didn’t include drinks, food or any level of customer service but I could have stretched to a cup of tea and egg mayo sandwich out of my £675,000 salary. Not every day though, maybe just once a month.”

He has made the decision because of the overrunning engineering works that have caused havoc around the country’s rail network.

“I have to take responsibility for ruining the Christmas season for many passengers, and that’s why I have turned the ticket down.” He continued.

“That, and I couldn’t use it anyway. Have you tried catching a train recently? No bloody chance.”

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Filed under News, Transport

BuzzFeed quizzes ‘may not be accurate’ says 3 metre tall sabre-toothed Vauxhall Viva named Princess Buttercup

Princess Buttercup says quiz results "inconceivable"

Princess Buttercup says quiz results “inconceivable”

A Harold man has questioned the reliability of BuzzFeed quizzes after discovering he is a 3 metre tall sabre-toothed Vauxhall Viva named Princess Buttercup.

“I was sure I’d be a Ford Cortina” said Princess Buttercup, previously known as Brian Green.

Buttercup, whose favourite colour is mauve (“slightly effeminate, passive-aggressive”), is also the US state of Montana (“you like wide-open spaces and animals, and drink corn liquor through a straw”) and is / was John Lennon (“you are peace-loving, like Japanese women, and are incautious around strangers”).
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture

The 50 Most Irritating People of 2014: Part III

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

23. No Diana effect for Bonio after that accident.

We’re now into the top 30 of our countdown of the top irritants of the last year.

Just to emphasise, this is a list of irritating people. If there was any way we could bend the rules to include meerkats they would be sure to make the Top 10. Perhaps we should think about a Top 50 most irritating animals next year?

Today we have shock news as some of your favourites fail to make the Top 20, including the bloke on the left:

 

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Society

‘Disappointment as ‘My Times’ Facebook post ‘just full of chips’

fishnchipsinnewspaper

Much too neatly arranged for our tastes. Still fish & chips though!

Local show-off Dave Evans expressed his disappointment in an app that summarised his year as a newspaper, when it turned out to be ‘just full of chips’.

‘I’d seen other ‘My Times’ posts, with pictures of people holding new babies or bragging about a new kitchen, so I immediately thought ‘who wouldn’t like to read about me?’ said Evans.

‘But when it trawled through my life, it summarised my year as a small pile of chips. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Media, Social media

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part II

Robbie Savage. The only table he's ever moved up.

Robbie Savage. The only table he’s ever moved up.

We continue our countdown of the Festive Top 50 with numbers 40 to 31.

Has your (least) favourite featured yet?

There is still time to vote, and votes for Mrs Brown’s Boys will count double if we invoke the Lee Evans rule from 2013. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Society

Today is ‘Let’s remember the Daily Mail supported Hitler’ day!

rothermere

Daily Mail owner, left, with friend

It has been announced that December 28th is from now on to be the day when we should all remember that just prior to the Second World War, English newspaper the Daily Mail was actively supporting the Nazi dictator Hitler, we’ve just decided.

The decision to have a special day to remind people that behind the Mail’s paper-thin facade of middle class respectability lurks a creepingly foul fascist cesspit has been in the pipeline for a while, but finally came to fruition following the paper’s story today about the Queen’s correspondence with former nutter and cannibal Idi Amin.
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Sudan famine victims ‘may not survive another night with no PlayStation Network’

sudan-famineDisaster relief experts have warned that the thousands of displaced famine victims in war-torn South Sudan ‘may not survive’ another night with no access to Sony’s PlayStation Network (PSN).

PSN is essential to access the extended capabilities of PlayStation games, such as online multiplayer modes and other network functions, but many people do not realise the main hardship facing video game fans in the stricken region.

“There are families who have lost everything to war and hunger,” explained Red Cross spokesman Barry Ping. “Basic essentials like Facebook and cable TV. For these people, keeping their children entertained while the relief effort is coordinated is proving very difficult.”

“Many of these families will have purchased a new PlayStation for Christmas, in the belief that it would keep everyone quiet for a bit. But tragically you can’t even start the thing up without network activation, which is impossible with PSN down. I’ve seen whole villages literally devastated.”

“This has spoiled our whole post-Christmas famine experience,” complained refugee and mother of four Talia Nafisa. “We were all set to fire up the new PS4 and play FIFA 15 until the food parcels arrived, and we can’t even log on. I think we should be compensated.” Continue reading

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Filed under Christmas, International News

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

It’s the final knockings of 2014 and once again, it’s time to reveal the most irritating people of the past year.  The usual rules apply; we have excluded politicians, but can’t guarantee that a certain Mr Farage won’t make the list as we’re still not sure if he qualifies as a politician. Time will tell.

Today we start our countdown with numbers 50 to 41: Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Society