“I was sure I’d be a Ford Cortina” said Princess Buttercup, previously known as Brian Green.
Buttercup, whose favourite colour is mauve (“slightly effeminate, passive-aggressive”), is also the US state of Montana (“you like wide-open spaces and animals, and drink corn liquor through a straw”) and is / was John Lennon (“you are peace-loving, like Japanese women, and are incautious around strangers”).
“It gets very confusing” confessed Buttercup. “I should be able to go from 0 to 60 miles an hour in about 25 seconds, according to the Vauxhall Viva manual. I’m not getting anywhere near that performance – I’m not sure if it is because I’m coloured mauve or because Montana is strapped to the roof-rack.”
“Bloody BuzzFeed should reimburse me for all my traffic tickets over the past few weeks. I’d have thought being a fictional character and a deceased Beatle were both good reasons not to wear a seatbelt but PC Flegg didn’t see it that way, plus she tasered me when I flashed a sabre-toothed smile.”
As doubts about BuzzFeed quiz accuracy grew, Princess Buttercup decided to seek a second opinion from his wife Rachael.
“Imagine my surprise when Rachael told me I was an emotionally-stunted, middle aged postman, with decaying teeth and few friends.”
“It sounded inconceivable but then Rachael reminded me she scored 200 in a Facebook IQ test so I guess she must be right.”