by | March 2, 2015 · 11:00 am

Jihadi John was our best ever traffic warden recalls Council

JJOfficials in the revenue protection department of Croydon Borough Council have been reminiscing about their former colleague Mohammed Emwazi who has been identified as vicious ISIS killer Jihadi John.

“Quite simply, Mo was the most successful traffic warden we ever had,” said his former boss, Eric Braithwaite. “He zealously carried out his duties with a fervour that bordered upon fanaticism which did wonders for the Council coffers.”

“Mo had a hypnotic glint in his eye which made motorists generously hand over cash far in excess of any incurred parking penalties,” he continued. “Of course, he realised that he wasn’t universally popular, which was apparently the reason he always carried a machete. Continue reading →

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by | · 2:16 am

Prince William arrives in China to see how ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along

rs_560x415-130624152710-1024.RoyalBaby14.mh.062413Prince William has arrived in China to help strengthen trading ties with the UK, and to see how the ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along.

Visiting a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing, the second in line to the throne inspected a new range of plates, tea towels, and baby lizard toys that should be ready in time for the birth of his second child.

Speaking at the sweatshop, wearing a high visibility protective line of bodyguards, the Duke of Cambridge commended the employees on their work ethic.

“I’m grateful these workers are putting in 18 hour days in appalling conditions just to put my wife’s face on a plate” the prince said. “George had only just starting walking at their age”
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by | March 1, 2015 · 10:10 am

Comedy change scientists say winter ‘global warming’ jokes at historical high

'And they call this global warming'

‘And they call this global warming’

Researchers at the Harold Institute of Comedy Studies have released a study showing that jokes about global warming during bouts of freezing cold and wet weather have reached dangerous levels.

Professor Al Jones, who specialises in comedy change, set up instruments throughout the UK to detect winter global warming jokes, and the results show clear evidence of a man-made comedy catastrophe.
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by | February 28, 2015 · 4:40 pm

Putin’s investigation into opponent’s assassination concludes it was Professor Plum, in the library, with the lead pipe

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Vladimir Putin’s wide ranging and extensive investigation has concluded the murder of ex deputy prime minister and his political opponent Boris Nemtsov was probably carried out by Professor Plum, in the Library, with the lead pipe.

Speaking to reporters, Mr Putin said: “I have looked at all of the clues, all the evidence and had a sneak peak at the special envelope containing the cards and it all points to it being Professor Plum and definitely not the KGB, from the Kremlin, with a Kalashnikov. Continue reading →

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by | February 27, 2015 · 9:12 am

World finally gives up and starts debating the colour of a dress

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The world has officially thrown in the towel today with the threat of terrorism, corrupt politicians and a dodgy banking sector and decided to just concentrate on the colour of a dress.

Social media, which has been traditionally been a healthy mix of cats and memes with debate on the biggest issues facing us, pulled the plug on giving a shit any more as more and more users put their opinion on the precise shades used in a dress.
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by | · 9:10 am

Ed Miliband to fund reduction in tuition fees with sponsored fun run

Miliband in his "idiot" costume

Miliband in his “idiot” costume

Ed Miliband is to set out Labour’s plans to cut university tuition fees, funded by a sponsored fun run around the area of Westminster.

Universities UK has warned that limiting the fees to £6,000 per year, instead of the current £9,000, would leave a £10bn funding gap. Mr Miliband, however, is confident that he can raise this figure by asking people to sponsor him to run 5 miles around the streets of Westminster, while dressed as an idiot with a severely limited grasp of economics.  Continue reading →

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by | February 26, 2015 · 10:43 am

Report concludes ‘probably best not to give open access to kids to a suspected paedophile’

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A report into Jimmy Savile’s activities at Stoke Mandeville hospital has concluded that if someone’s paedophilia is ‘an open secret’, and there have been ten complaints against him for abusing children, one of those being a formal complaint, it’s probably best not to give him unrestricted access to kids. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Cruel nation reduced to laughing at old woman falling over

madonna

Venue has agreed to install a ramp

The UK has become a brutally sadistic society in which the height of entertainment is the desperate sight of an elderly lady falling over, it was revealed last night.

Millions of British citizens who would have claimed to be kind-hearted were openly mocking the misfortune of someone old enough to be their grandmother who did nothing more than stumble in unfamiliar surroundings.

Madonna, 94, a veteran of two world wars and the sole remaining person alive to have met Napoleon, had a fall at a youngsters’ ball last night, surrounded by a group of dancing people who seemed happy to pretend nothing had happened.

“It is sad, very sad,” despaired Albert Renfrew, Professor of Sociology at the University of Harold. “In a country where we ostensibly care for our old people, we are happy to laugh at Madonna falling on her arse like a sack of hammers.”

“If people in their nineties can’t strip down to their underwear, pretend to be culturally relevant and marry teenagers, then I don’t know what we’re coming to. Mind you, it was fucking hilarious, wasn’t it?”

A spokesperson from the charity Age Concern pointed out that cuts to the Winter Fuel Allowance were probably the reason that Madonna had taken to wearing a cape in the first place, and called on concerned citizens to send her their old blankets.

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by | February 25, 2015 · 7:00 am

Green party blames interview fail on wind-up microphone

windup merchant

Despite setback, Bennett vowed to continue her work as a wind-up merchant.

Green Party leader Natalie Bennett has apologised for a low-energy interview, and laid the blame on a carbon-neutral microphone.

“When I agreed to be interviewed on the radio, I insisted that they use our own, planet-friendly equipment”, explained Bennett. “It isn’t quite 230 volts but I told them it doesn’t matter because my voice is quite shrill.”

A sound engineer from LBC told us he was rather taken aback by the clockwork equipment.

“When she handed me the microphone, I said ‘is this a wind up?’ She said it was, and demonstrated how to turn the handle.”
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by | February 24, 2015 · 7:45 pm

Rifkind admits: “I may have accidentally told the truth yesterday.”

rifkind3

Got any change Mister?

Part-time politician, charmless Thatcher leftover Sir Malcolm Rifkind, apologised today for having told the truth yesterday, when insisting he was ‘entitled’ to more than an MP’s salary of £67,000.

“Quite by mistake, I said what I really believed. I now realise that made me look like a twat. A privileged Tory with my head so far up my bottom that I only see the light of day when I reappear from my own throat. I do hope that clears things up.”

When questioned about his comments on Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, Sir Malcolm Rifkind explained his remarks had been taken out of context. “Yes, I did say I’d a surprising amount of free time, was self-employed and that no-one payed me a salary. But the context was that  I’d forgotten I was an MP; a simple error of judgement. Haven’t you ever forgotten that you work for the Telegraph?”

A former political adviser to Sir Malcolm gave her reaction to his decision to stand down as an MP to BBC News: “I have to say there’s huge respect that he’s done the honourable thing … no, I’m sorry … can we take that again?

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by | · 2:00 pm

Trekkie midwife predicts babies won’t be born, but beamed down

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Now all we need is a Klingon proof nappy

Technology will soon be available to make traditional births a thing of the past with babies set to be beamed down to their nursery cots instead of expectant mothers having to endure a long and sometimes painful labour.

It is a far cry from Call the Midwife, but local midwife Betty Nunn is convinced that beamed births are the way forward, saving millions of pounds for the National Health Service.

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by | · 11:32 am

Qatar’s slave labour grateful to have unbearably hot summer to finish stadia

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Qatar’s slave labour has said it welcomes FIFA’s recommendation that the 2022 World Cup should be held a few months later than normal, giving them more chance of them finishing the stadia on time, and therefore less chance of having their Human Rights violated for being late.
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by | · 7:00 am

New MP ‘second job’ scandal: Miliband moonlights as lollipop man

lollipop dolt

Miliband also works evenings as a coat rack.

Ed Miliband has admitted to subsidising his income, while crossing the road outside his house for a modest salary.

Despite living miles from a school, Mr Miliband proudly dons his hi-viz uniform each morning, grabs his lollipop and goes out to play in the traffic.

“It’s not reasonable to expect me to survive on the minimum wage”, claimed Miliband as he lunged at a truck. “Which is why normal, everyday people, people such as myself, have to take on a second job as leader of the opposition.”
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by | February 23, 2015 · 7:12 pm

Jeremy Clarkson and Katie Hopkins: which one is the other in drag?

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Um….Jeremy?

 

He’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC and she’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC. Inescapable will-have-controversial-opinions-for-food mongers Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson have never been seen together causing many to wonder if they’re actually the same person. Continue reading →

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by | · 8:00 am

Nivea’s new cream “audibly reduces” wrinkles

Molly (32) has used Nivea since she was a girl

Nivea launched more advertising mush this week, for women with good bathroom mirrors but low self-esteem.

“Sadly, we can’t lawfully tell outright lies in adverts nowadays” said Harold born Anastasia Blunt, Director of Word-mangling at Nivea “which is a shame, as that was the best bit of the job.”

“We have either to invent new words or slam real words together so they don’t actually mean anything. If it can’t be understood, it can’t be lying; we get our lawyers to run a check, just to be sure.”she explained, adding “The clue is in the words ‘make- up'”. Continue reading →

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by | February 22, 2015 · 9:00 am

UK lends Greece Nick Clegg, to help sell their sell-out

cleggy

Nick hears the call

Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.

The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.

“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”

Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”

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by | February 21, 2015 · 1:51 pm

All-night tubes will solve London’s housing crisis, says Boris Johnson

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Lots of space and centrally located. Who could ask for anything more?

London, a city that currently has as many affordable houses as Kanye West has humble thoughts, is to offer a new living solution to those who aren’t swimming in coin when the tube begins running a twenty-four hour service.

“There are people out there too lazy to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, earn a decent wage and buy a house,” said Boris Johnson. “But anyone can afford an Oyster card. And once on the tube permanent commuters, or ‘pooters’ as we’ll be branding them in a series of charming cartoons voiced by Joanna Lumley and David Walliams, can enjoy a luxury moving home right in the heart of our fabulous Qatari-owned capital.” Continue reading →

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by | February 20, 2015 · 9:37 pm

50 Shades of Black and Blue – suspicion grows that England cricket team like being beaten

Which end is which?

Which end is which?

After experimenting with a light spanking at the hands of Australia, the England cricket team took their bondage fetish to the next level by getting beaten black and blue by New Zealand.

The kinky exhibitionist romp took place in Wellington Stadium in front of a crowd of 30,000 curious fans. The English batsmen dressed up in padded, helmeted gimp suits and were led out to the pitch in pairs to receive their thrashing. While they didn’t appear to be blindfolded, it was perfectly obvious they couldn’t see a f**king thing.
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by | · 7:04 am

‘We’re not influenced by advertisers’ insists Daily PotNoodleGraph

potnoodlegraph

Name change seemed a little rushed

After criticism that its coverage of the HSBC tax scandal was toned down because of commercial interests, the Daily Telegraph has fiercely denied that its recent name change to the PotNoodleGraph has anything to do with the lavish two-page advertisement taken out in its pages by noodle makers Unilever.

The paper’s chief political commentator Peter Oborne resigned on Tuesday, complaining that the influence of advertisers had ruined the newspaper’s journalistic integrity.

In a scathing editorial leader this morning, the paper “makes no apology” for its decision to ignore the HSBC tax story, and goes on to insist: “Love buckets of joy, plastic pots of paradise, call them what you will, our noodly snacks deliver knockout flavour right on the kisser.” Continue reading →

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by | February 19, 2015 · 12:31 pm

John Terry angry UKIP taking the glory for Chelsea’s ‘Champions League racist’ achievement

Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists

Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists

Chelsea captain, occasional racist and former stealer of his team mates’ girlfriends and Champions League glory John Terry has spoken out at his dismay after UKIP appear to have taken a story about some racist Chelsea fans on a train and make it all about them.

“Why can’t we be allowed to have our racists splashed all over the papers without UKIP trying to get in on the act,” Terry explained.  Continue reading →

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