50 Shades of Black and Blue – suspicion grows that England cricket team like being beaten

After experimenting with a light spanking at the hands of Australia, the England cricket team took their bondage fetish to the next level by getting beaten black and blue by New Zealand.

The kinky exhibitionist romp took place in Wellington Stadium in front of a crowd of 30,000 curious fans. The English batsmen dressed up in padded, helmeted gimp suits and were led out to the pitch in pairs to receive their thrashing. While they didn’t appear to be blindfolded, it was perfectly obvious they couldn’t see a f**king thing.

The batsman took their turns to be penetrated by a Mr Southee, and the crowd shared the English joy as their “middle stumps” jerked violently backwards.

After a short break, the English came out and managed to shock even hardcore BDSM fans by delivering their balls to Mr McCullum who proceeded to smash the English genitalia out of the ground.

The thrashing set social media alight, with comments such as ‘was that really consent’, ‘where can I join a cricket club’, and ‘more exciting than EL James’ book, and better written too’.

The Evening Harold tried to get a comment from the English dressing room but the team were all having a golden shower.