Officials in the revenue protection department of Croydon Borough Council have been reminiscing about their former colleague Mohammed Emwazi who has been identified as vicious ISIS killer Jihadi John.
“Quite simply, Mo was the most successful traffic warden we ever had,” said his former boss, Eric Braithwaite. “He zealously carried out his duties with a fervour that bordered upon fanaticism which did wonders for the Council coffers.”
“Mo had a hypnotic glint in his eye which made motorists generously hand over cash far in excess of any incurred parking penalties,” he continued. “Of course, he realised that he wasn’t universally popular, which was apparently the reason he always carried a machete. He told us this was for self-defence and didn’t think it worthwhile arguing with him as the results spoke for themselves.”
“Within a week of being given the troublesome George Street zone he had collected over £150,000 in fines, some of which was donated voluntarily by pedestrians. After a month, traffic had stopped entering that area of central Croydon entirely,” remembered Mr Braithwaite, smiling. “This led to achieving our zero emissions targets five decades early.”
“Sadly, all good things have to come to an end,” he sighed, “and the Chief Excecutive’s office spotted his talent and nabbed him for the Council Tax collection office where he excelled.”
Although Mr Braithwaite knew Emwazi had left the Council, he had no idea Mo had gone abroad. “I’d heard he’d moved into recruitment,” he said, “but I‘d never thought of him as a head-hunter until I saw that video.”