“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”
Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.
The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.
Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading
Oh, what a beauty.
Scores of local athletes spent their bank holiday taking part in Harold village’s famous tossing competition. The old Harold contest involves participants tossing the locally-grown knob of Mayor Rufus D. Jackson as hard as possible.
The tradition goes back many years, but historians believe it was invented by Mayor Jackson himself, during a dry spell. This year’s winner, Norman Bunting, produced a record-breaking toss, the results easily clearing the cricket pavilion roof.
‘Hard crusted’
Women’s Institute President and toss organsiser Marjorie Houndstooth explained the rules of the competition: “The knob must be tossed underarm with a firm grip, and at least one of Mayor Jackson’s feet must remain on the ground at all times.”
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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Sport
Bagging a cyclist is the dream of many.
The annual May Day cyclist shoot is expected to draw a record crowd this year, as huge numbers of the migrant subspecies pour into Harold from surrounding ring roads.
With their brightly coloured lycra plumage in spectacular condition, organisers hope to bring down at least 20 of the blighters before they reach the relative safety of Dunstable.
“Barristers and stock brokers alike revere the cyclists of Harold”, explained sportskeeper Iliah Evans. “They’re bred for their speed, stamina and easily shootable buttocks.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Cheerio then David
With David Moyes’ disastrous but hilarious reign as Manchester United manager having come to an end the search has begun for the man to replace him. There are certain qualities needed to manage one of the world’s biggest football clubs and here we run through some of the candidates who look like they could do a better job of it than Moyes did. Continue reading
Football fans across England have reacted with joy to the news that Sir Alex Ferguson will take a prominent role in deciding Manchester United’s next manager.
Several promising candidates being considered…
Following the unalloyed success of the Scot’s previously chosen candidate, there is general delight that football is to be treated to another exhibition of genius recruitment from the master.
An Old Trafford spokesman confirmed this morning that the most enjoyable hiring process since Basil Fawlty employed Manuel was under way.
“Sir Alex has proved his judgement a thousand times over the years, and he have total confidence in him,” he insisted. “Yes, he’s not as young as he used to be, and sometimes forgets what his name is, but you can’t argue with experience.”
“It might be true that he comes into meetings still in his pyjamas some days, thinks he’s Napoleon and smells of wee, but the board retain every confidence in him.” Continue reading
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Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes’ achievements at United
Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinio are just two of the managers that have spent years trying to knock Manchester United from the top two of the Premier League, However David Moyes has shown what a quality manager he is by doing the job in less than a year.
Filed under breaking news, News, Sport
This year will again see villagers from Harold travelling to the capital city to take part in this year’s London Marathon. The course, which is 26 miles and 385 yards (or 36.232 Hectares in European), is a leisurely jog through the streets of the city going past many famous landmarks such as Tower Bridge, the Bullring shopping centre and the SS Great Britain.
Here at the Evening Harold we admire those that take part in the jog, but as most of us were the last to be picked in any sport at school due to our impressively consistent lack of any fitness, we would rather stay in bed watching childrens’ cartoons.
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Pippa Middleton’s arse: we shall not see its like again
There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.
Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.
Not struggling with a shirt will give Rooney more time to focus on his shoelaces.
England’s football team has reacted angrily to the £90 price tag on their shirts, and are threatening to appear at the World Cup in ‘skins’.
With money tight for the average Premiership footballer, many in the squad feel they have no choice but to play topless in Brazil later this year.
Star striker Wayner Rooney wasn’t impressed with the new design. ‘They’ve not even spelled ‘England’ right on mine, but the teacher has still given it a gold star’ said a clearly angry Wayne.
Roy Hodgson later pointed out to him that it actually said ‘Rooney’. ‘I knowed that’ said the player. ‘Am we playing for Rooney now?’
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The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has taken a positive step to address concerns over the lack of noise from the formula’s new V6 engine. Today’s Malaysian Grand Prix saw Sebastian Vettel’s moaning recorded ready to played out of the cars at the next race.
The tractor-like noise that comes from the new engines is a lot less ‘thrilling’ than the previous power units according to critics who say F1 will suffer from the lack of a high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound every time a car screeches past.
However many noticed that same high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound was still emanating from one of the Red Bulls, but with a slight German accent.
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Filed under Sport, Technology
With a group of Manchester United fans paying for a plane to fly a ‘Moyes Out’ banner over Old Trafford this afternoon, details have emerged of a counter-protest banner showing support for the Scotsman paid for by fans of the other 91 league clubs.
The banner – which reads ‘ignore them David – you’re doing great’ – will fly round Old Trafford during United’s match with Aston Villa, and is designed to show the support he has from everyone else in the country.
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Filed under Sport
Political lightweights battle for third place.
Billed as the fight of the century, this classic confrontation of brain & brawn echoes the 1974 Ali v Foreman classic.
Our sports and political reporters put their heads together to give readers this detailed prediction.
Setting the scene:
In the yellow corner, or it may be orange, no one really knows, Clegg: Never thought of as a big hitter, he is fast on his feet. The legendary ‘Clegg Shuffle’ bamboozles opponents, leaving them punching thin air as the maestro performs his trademark U-turns.
Taunting is a big part of Clegg’s armoury; ‘I’ll float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly’ he says of the forthcoming contest.
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Sport
Ivan Lendl: the absolute personification of jolliness
Andy Murray has split with Ivan Lendl the coach under whose guidance he won both Wimbledon and Olympic gold saying that Lendl simply wasn’t “miserable enough”.
“I just can’t handle it anymore,” Murray told reporters. “Twice already this year Ivan’s smiled during a coaching session and, though he denies it, I swear I once heard him chuckle when he was talking to his wife on the phone.” Continue reading
Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater
Noses: All of the cars are required to have a nose resembling an animal. Most teams have settled on styling their snouts on crocodiles, anteaters and tapirs. No one has elected to go for an elephant’s trunk. That would be silly. Continue reading
Despite the criticism Newcastle United’s Alan Pardew has received from the public, football experts and Robbie Savage for his headbutt on a Hull player, Ed Miliband has said he can see the merits of the management technique of ‘laying one on the nut’ of the opposition’s team.
‘I wouldn’t normally advocate violence unless it involved an army, dodgy evidence and was in a country far from here” the Labour leader said.
“But after watching Match of the Day, the more I think about it the more I can see the benefits of moving Michael Gove out of my way in the voting lobby by “pushing him” with my head. Continue reading
After a busy few days where Uganda’s President signed new laws making homosexuality punishable by life in prison, and Ugandan tabloid Red Pepper published a list of 200 alleged gays, the IOC announced that Uganda is now the front-runner to host the 2022 Winter Olympics.
IOC President Thomas Bach said that the Sochi Winter Olympics was a very passable festival of homophobia without quite living up to Vladimir Putin’s hype. The 2018 games in Pyeongchang would likely also be successful given South Korea’s track record of discrimination against gays. But the 2022 Ugandan Winter Olympics promises to be an unprecedented orgy of homosexual intolerance.
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Filed under International News, Sex, Sport
Like the band on the Titanic, Rooney says he now has enough reasons not to jump ship
After months of tough contract negotiations and threats to hand in a transfer request, Wayne Rooney has stumbled across 300,000 reasons a week to stay at Manchester United.
Currently on 250,000 reasons a week, the extra 50,000 reasons was enough for him to end speculation and finally sign a 5 year contract.
The striker and Shrek look-a-like said that even up to last week United’s position meant that the 250,000 reasons he had to stay were not enough, but he has now conceded that the extra few reasons he’s got are enough to convince him he loves the club and will remain loyal until he needs more reasons to stay. “Once a red, always a red” he said.
Comparing himself to the band on the Titanic, Rooney said he is willing to keep playing despite the sinking feeling on board at Old Trafford. “Its the right and moral thing to do,” he told reporters. “If that band had a contract worth £82.8m, I’m sure they would still be playing now.”
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Filed under News, Showbusiness, Sport
FIFA’s Sepp Blatter described international press as ‘vultures’.
The Emir of Qatar has reassured FIFA that he is ‘confident’ of killing at least 4,000 migrant workers before the 2022 World Cup opening ceremony.
Using a combination of squalid conditions, oppressive brutality and safety gear made out of paper, the emirate has so far managed to see off around 400 Nepalese slaves.
“It’s a start”, said Emir Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani. “We’re on track, but I think we could do more.”
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Filed under International News, Sport
Scotland, he disciplines because he loves
In a hastily and smugly arranged press conference that took place as soon as the final whistle was blown David Cameron has said that Scotland’s 0 – 20 trouncing by England in the rugby union Calcutta Cup proved how much Scotland needs England and that Scottish independence simply would not work. Continue reading
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