The fashion-challenged are also warmly embraced
The Church of England has banned clergy from being members of the BNP or the National Front however it was quick to reassure its priests that other forms of bigotry are still absolutely fine. Continue reading
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Look at them, threatening UK society with their friendship and truly amazing eyebrows, will no one think of the children?
An offshoot of the BNP called Prime Britain is campaigning to have the points of the compass renamed in the belief that this will mean devout Muslims won’t know where Mecca is when they come to pray.
“We’re taking a stand for all decent British people whose way of life is under threat,” said Prime Britain leader Kev Gadsby. “This is a Christian country and Muslamics have no right to be facing another country or town or whatever like it’s better or something.” Continue reading
Fall crucifix, fall!
A number of welfare recipients say they now realise Cameron really was doing God’s work with his brave programme of benefit cuts teaching them to be self-reliant and entrepreneurial.
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Parents are to receive their biggest share of their kids’ easter eggs since the economic crash in 2008, latest figures say. The average ‘share’ awarded is set to rise to 24% of all chocolate given to their kids, a rise of 3% on last year.
The share of chocolate, which parents award themselves, has always been controversial, especially during the economic downturn. One cocoa analyst explained the market to us: “The last few years have seen Easter egg distribution on an ‘egg per child’ basis down on previous years, and only now are we seeing aunties and uncles coming back into the market” Sam, aged 12 told us.
“This means parents have had to take a lower percentage of the children’s chocolate to keep overall levels high. But now each child looks set to gain more chocolate capital this year, parents can expect to take a larger share.”
A handkerchief, or the holy ghost?
A retired pathologist has uncovered evidence that Jesus may not have died from crucifixion as widely reported.
Far from succumbing to a cross, professor Howes believes Jesus was overcome by hay fever, perhaps triggered by Easter flowers or the dust given off by moths.
“The bible gives quite a few clues that the real cause of death has been covered up”, claimed Howes. “A lot of the ‘evidence’ just doesn’t seem to stack up.”
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Security Holey?
His Holiness Pope Francis, the leader of the Catholic Church, has stepped down following a media storm over his views on same-sex marriage.
Pope Francis was appointed just last March but came in for heavy criticism after it emerged that the Vatican still did not support gay weddings. Thousands of users of the popular “Catholicism” system protested on forums and threatened to uninstall their moral compasses.
Cardinal Paulo Evaristo Arns, most senior member of the Pope’s inner advisory team, announced the decision in a blog post.
“The Catholic Church prides itself on being held to a different standard and, this past week, we didn’t live up to it,” he wrote.
“We know why people are hurt and angry, and they are right: it’s because we’re a crusty old male-dominated bunch of gangsters, riddled worm-like with corruption and perversion. We must try harder.” Continue reading
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Tense times: diplomats fear that Prince Philip will not heed their warnings and insist on telling his Belgrano joke.
It should have been a pleasant occasion, two amiable old pensioners, who both believe in God, massive wealth, splendid ceremonial outfits and the undemocratic retention of power, sharing a pot of Earl Grey and a bit of gossip. Unfortunately it has been announced that Prince Philip will be accompanying the Queen to her meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican this afternoon.
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Don’t hold out for that invite, Bernard…
Following BBC research revealing that 20% of people would refuse to attend a gay wedding, another poll coincidentally found the same percentage of people “simply too drab and awful” to get an invitation to one anyway.
The BBC Radio survey on the eve of legislation allowing same-sex marriage in England and Wales also found that fat, stupid men were nearly twice as likely to be kept away as slim, funny attractive people like us.
The poll of 1,007 people found 68% agreed gay marriage should be permitted, with 32% too wrapped up in wallowing in their own filth to respond. Continue reading
Hitting back at comments from Pope Francis that they must ‘stop doing evil’ if they wish to avoid hell, mafia bosses have said they will stop ‘if the Catholic Church stops first’.
Warning the criminal organisation with such phrases as ‘blood-stained money, blood-stained power, you can’t take it all with you, even if you are a nice Pope’, mafia bosses say they would be willing to give up any criminal tendencies they may have, as long as the Church took the lead.
“We are not saying one crime is any worse than another,” one don explained, “but we are sure as well as hating torture and murder, God isn’t that keen on paedophilia and widespread corruption either.
Should have given up long ago…
The anti-smoking lobby is today mourning the death of one of its most tireless and misunderstood campaigners, Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps, who for decades picketed military funerals with large signs warning of the dangers of cigarettes.
Brought up originally in London’s East End before moving to Kansas, Phelps’ slogan ‘God Hates Fags’ was tragically never really appreciated by the American public.
Waving large colourful signs, Phelps would attend funerals desperately trying to explain that servicemen would stand a far better chance of survival in modern war zones if they could only give up cigarettes and improve fitness levels.
“It’s a tragedy that he never seemed to get his message across,” lamented Aaron Bryce, chairman of the ‘We Hate Benders’ society, founded to protest against the popular brand of chewing tobacco invented by Michael Bender.
“The idea that he was some kind of anti-gay bigot is just a terrible misunderstanding,” explained Bryce. “You couldn’t meet a friendlier man. We were members of the same chicken-breeding club, and many’s the night we’d stay up rubbing our cocks together into the small hours. Then he’d usually give me one.”
Filmmaker Louis Theroux, who documented Phelps’ demonstrations, admitted he had been completely wrong about the pastor. “I’m a pretty good judge of character,” he confessed, “But when I saw all the posters and stuff, I just leapt to the conclusion that the man was a rabid homophobe, devoid of the slightest trace of love or compassion, cruelly taunting the families of dead soldiers.”
“I should have realised no-one could be that much of an arsehole.”
Phelps was buried in a simple coffin befitting his modest life, the wood bare of decoration other than a massive slogan ‘HATING GAYS GIVES YOU CANCER’, with a headstone bearing an enormous photograph of a gnarled and blackened heart.
His own.
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Ireland: Phwoar, look at the Causeway on that.
“You’re beautiful Ireland, you know that? You’re amazing with your, with your, with your hills and your Causeway and all the stuff. M’not just saying that because I’ve had a drink. But I have had a drink and I’ve had it for you! It’s your special day and I’m going to celebrate it sooo hard cos I love ya! I love ya. Continue reading
Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins
Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.
“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”
Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.
Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”
Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.
Back from the dead?
The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.
Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.
Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading
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“‘Jesus is the tooth fairy for adults’ – is that the best you’ve got?”
A local bishop has attacked new atheists for their laziness. “I’m entirely bored of people saying to me that all Roman Catholic priests are kiddie-fiddlers and forwarding me copies of Willy Wonka condescension memes involving the phrase ‘beardy sky man’,” said the Most Reverend Stanislaus McNamee, Bishop of Dunstable. “Is that it? Am I honestly expected to renounce my faith over a two minute YouTube clip of George Carlin?” Continue reading
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Some Christians ‘entirely ignorant’ of what’s in his wand.
Children and parents have warned of ‘widespread ignorance’ of Potter lore amongst the members of the Bible Society.
A small number of the organization have never heard of Dumbledore, let alone Hagrid, Hermione or Viktor Krum.
The study revealed a generation of middle-aged adults with little knowledge of the most important Harry Potter stories. A high proportion of these people were observed to wear cardigans.
“Harry Potter has a huge influence on modern society”, claimed muggle Melanie Hostage. “It’s as relevant today as it was 16 years ago. It provides us with some guidelines on how we should treat other people, if we’re too stupid to work it out for ourselves without the help of a barely believable story.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion
The Father, Son, and Holy Toast
Jesus-free proponents say that traditional toast contains significant amounts of images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and this can dull the capacity for individual thought and leave people reliant on fairy stories and miracles. It also leaves a stodgy, bloated feeling in the stomach and causes wind.
“I’ve felt much more energetic and alive since moving to Jesus-free toast” observed Harold café owner Pippa Delaney. “I wake up earlier, I have the energy for a decent walk, and I’ve stopped giving ten percent of my money to the Church.”
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“Till Marriage Us Do Part”
When blushing bride, Chantel Meth-Davies, arrived at a tranquil country church for her wedding with David Brooke, she had no idea that less than an hour later she would be married, according to an extraordinary law suit launched today.
“No one said I would be married by the end of the service,” said Ms Meth-Davies, 25, who refuses to use her married name. “I just wanted a nice wedding with flowers, my friends and a party to celebrate my relationship with Dave, not marriage.”
“When we visited the vicar to book the church, she never once mentioned that I would end up married,” Chantel complained. “She ran on and on about Holy Matrimony and all that when we first visited her, but I just assumed that the usual load of religious mumbo jumbo that they go in for.” Continue reading
God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.
In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading
Tony Blair (right, in balaclava) spoke of the horrors of war
After reluctantly agreeing to the Iraqi government’s desperate plea for weapons to fight insurgents who are taking over the country, the United States has angrily demanded to know how the hell the country got into such a shitty state to begin with.
American surveillance drones and Hellfire missiles will shortly be delivered to help with the attack on the city of Fallujah, which has fallen to Islamic militants, but US Secretary of State John Kerry insisted this morning that the USA will not continue indefinitely to clean up “other people’s messes”. Continue reading
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Filed under Defence, International News, Religion
He looks real to us. Ever so much more so than that whippersnapper he’s replacing.
There was violence on the streets of Harold this morning when Edward Wightman, a newcomer to the village, admitted that he didn’t believe in Doctor Who and said that the Christmas special was “just a story made up to entertain children and the credulous of any age”.
Almost at once he was seized upon by outraged villagers intent on taking him to the recreation ground and while their intentions were not quite clear we understand that they would have been rather messy and painful for Mr Wightman however once the crowd had formed it swiftly became riven with factions and violence broke out. Continue reading
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