Jesus-free proponents say that traditional toast contains significant amounts of images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and this can dull the capacity for individual thought and leave people reliant on fairy stories and miracles. It also leaves a stodgy, bloated feeling in the stomach and causes wind.
“I’ve felt much more energetic and alive since moving to Jesus-free toast” observed Harold café owner Pippa Delaney. “I wake up earlier, I have the energy for a decent walk, and I’ve stopped giving ten percent of my money to the Church.”
Pippa’s husband Dominic Delaney is also a fan of Jesus-free toast, and he noted “it tastes just the same as Jesus toast, and it has really spiced things up in the bedroom department. Hang on, I think I’m getting confused with bananas.”
Harold Loaves owner and village councillor Ron Ronsson acknowledged that the health effects of Jesus toast was controversial, so although his company was branching into Jesus-free toast, it would continue to offer the full-Jesus.
“Harold Loaves is a broad church and we will continue to cater for Jesus fans and non-Jesus fans alike – we are a bit like the Anglican Church in that regard” said Ronnson.
Some are sceptical of the whole Jesus-free option, both for reasons of lack of proof of benefits, and for practical reasons.
“It’s no simple matter to go Jesus-free” said Harold GP Clive Evans. “There are images of Jesus everywhere – as well as toast His image is on burger buns, vegetables, and even in Churches. It’s like the Guy is omnipresent.”
Dr Evans cautions that Jesus-free toast might be just another food fad, and bread companies could be taking advantage of gullible consumers.
“As far as I can see, Harold Loaves are just selling their normal bread at double the price. Ronnson doesn’t even seem to have any quality control – if any Jesus toast slides through he just swears blind that it’s an image of Russell Brand.”
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