Save your kisses for me!
The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.
Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Showbusiness
Mandela all set for fifth funeral this week
Members of Nelson Mandela’s family are urging the courts to let them bury him as soon as possible, despite the 94 year-old statesman’s stable condition.
Insisting that Nelson is now in a ‘permanent vegetative state’, his relatives are keen for him to lead one final underground movement.
But their claims seem at odds with reports from others who have visited Nelson, who claim he’s ‘never looked fitter’.
“This morning I watched him eat a 16 ounce steak, then jog his way around a half-marathon”, said one visitor. “He didn’t win, in fact he nearly came last. But I don’t think that’s justification enough to bury him.”
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Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors
Days after Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, told the House of Commons that the government will be selling off £15 billion worth of public assets now that their policies have done to the economy what the volcano did to Pompeii, the Great British Fire Sale began in earnest with bidding being opened on Stephen Fry.
“Assets aren’t just companies and institutions though God knows we’re flogging off enough of them: the Student Loan Company, Royal Mail, the NHS it’s all got to go,” explained a treasury insider. “The great wealth of a nation lies in its people. So they can jolly well be priced, packaged and sold off too. Simples.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy, News, Politics, Showbusiness
Tory food: the £95 (that’s not a typo) burger
There was relief in Harold yesterday when Tory MP Nadine Dorries told Daybreak that she will not starve. Though not the MP for Harold kind-hearted residents had been touched by her plight when she announced that she would no longer be drawing expenses in order to campaign for reform of the system.
“We were massively concerned for the welfare of this highly principled lady,” said Reza Yavari. “It made me very upset to think of her struggling to cope on just a £66,396 MPs salary and whatever she makes as the director of Averbrook media consultancy. Then happily for us all she said live on TV ‘I have a very good partner who will not let me starve, he will feed me‘ and there was just this great outbreak of relief.” Continue reading
Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.
But followers are now doubting his credibility as an ‘actual human being’, because the image shows him forcing a Big Mac in his ear.
“It’s perfectly normal to attempt to obtain energy from processed animal matter, while being uploaded with an inspiring new speech”, mouthed Ed Miliband.
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Productivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.
Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.
“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”
Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.
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At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.
The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.
“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading
Now available in a new flavour that will leave a slightly bitter taste in the mouth
Ahead of the spending review announcement in Parliament on Wednesday, details have leaked about the latest plan to get the UK’s economy on track. As well as £11.5bn of additional cuts, George Osborne intends to nationalise the cinema popcorn trade.
“The NHS, MOD and all other government owned acronyms only ever take money from the treasury without giving anything back” the draft of the Chancellor’s statement says.
“Looking into the cinema popcorn trade shows it has a mark-up of nearly 1400%. At it’s retail price, gram-for-gram it has more value than the country’s gold reserves.”
This has better wheelchair access than over 50% of Atos test centres
Atos, the company which carries out work capability tests on those in receipt of benefits due to illness and/or disability, has announced that it is implementing a tougher test which will involve placing claimants in a wicker man.
Esther McVey, Conservative MP and Minister for Disabled People, spoke of her delight with the new system. “As I said in an interview earlier this year, this government is very generous to disabled people. Now after a long consultation of ten minutes minus the time it took to drink the coffee and enjoy a hobnob, I and my colleagues who are all able to work and whose basic salaries put us in the top five percent of wage earners in this country even before we’ve cracked open the treasure chest that is the MPs expense allowance have decided that that is not on.” Continue reading
One day, this nob could be released back into the wild
Britain’s working classes are being encouraged to ‘do their bit for the struggling posh’, especially self-loathing toffs who crave a meaningless life of drudgery and filth.
With poshness now less welcome than leprosy in many UK homes, campaigners fear that the class system is becoming dangerously heavy-bottomed.
“Its rare to see someone in red trousers braying in a public place these days”, explained Margaret Hounslow of the charity ‘Snob It Out’. “They’re hunted ruthlessly for their thick skins, massive teeth and tiny chins.”
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June 18, 2013 · 5:51 pm
Gove shows of smileys from both ends of the scale
With grades going from 😀 at the top end, down to 🙁 for those who have done less well, the visual representation will be easier for future employers to understand, and also gives a gentle way of informing less bright kids that they have proven themselves to be a bit thick. Continue reading
Leaders praised for either having the world’s best poker faces, or possessing no sense of irony
British Prime Minister, David Cameron and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have said although a meeting between the pair may have highlighted the ‘huge difference’ between their approaches to Syria, they both shared the same goal of ‘ending the killing’ in the country.
Mr Cameron, who was one of the loudest voices for ending the arms embargo on Syria, told the joint press conference that the situation could only be resolved through political and diplomatic means.
This was a view shared by his Russian counterpart. Mr Putin, who has armed the Syrian government with advance anti-aircraft missiles, believes getting all parties around the negotiating table was important. However the Russian did say that both the Syrian rebels and government force had ‘blood on their hands’, which may open the door for some lucrative cleaning product contracts. Continue reading
Murray may compromise by finishing second
Britain’s Scottish tennis star Andy Murray has revealed that he’s torn over whether to win Wimbledon just yet.
Hero Murray, who last year won an Olympic gold for a country, explained that winning Wimbledon was a ‘difficult decision’ that shouldn’t be taken too lightly.
“There’s a lot of emotion around this, and I don’t want to be hasty”, said Murray. “If I do decide to win, it should be for economic reasons.” But Scottish hardliners have accused him of sitting on the fence, or whatever it is ‘Sassenachs use down there in the middle of the court’.
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Is that a WMD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
A spokesman for Mr Murdoch said similar weapons have already been deployed around the world to break up marriages for many years, and they can be deadly from close range.
“We believe Blair is concealing a WMD in his pants” said the Murdoch spokesman. “And we have information that Blair has been conducting secret solo trials of his weapon for many years.”
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Filed under International News, Politics
Class 11C are about to get a hell of a shock.
The government has announced that from next year it will be fast-tracking soldiers without degrees into the nation’s state schools thanks to special courses that will allow soldiers to qualify as teachers in half the time that it normally takes. However head teachers are raising concerns about the suitability of ex-squaddies to teach and the curriculum changes that will have to be made in order to accommodate their expertise.
“It’s all right for David Laws to say ‘many members of our inspiring armed forces possess the skills and expertise relevant and transferable to the classroom – leadership, discipline, motivation and teamwork’ ” said Clive Morris head teacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive). “But once people leave the army all that tends to go out of the window and so we will have a generation of new teachers best suited to teaching alcoholism, homelessness, suicide, committing violent crimes, mental illness and domestic violence. All of which occur in disproportionately high numbers amongst ex-armed forces personnel.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Politics
Our journalist said the warehouse was OK, but asked for the windows to be shut as there was an unwelcome draft.
After 6 years of arguments over planning for a new wind farm on the edge of the village of Harold, plans to make the turbines solar-powered look set to revolutionise the environmentally friendly technology whilst finding a likely solution to the concerns raised by locals.
As with many other areas in the country, the sight of the wind farms on the landscape has been one of the main sticking points of the planning application, however making them solar-powered will allow the whole farm to be built inside a visually more acceptable warehouse.
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Miliband was asked to point left for photographers
The latest person found to be caught making unexpected moves is Ed Miliband, who has been witnessed committing a number of dangerous u-turns around his financial policy. Under the proposed plans, this would have resulted in a £60 fine and three points.
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Number Four: Police knock at the door.
Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.
“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
With the financial crisis still rumbling along and belts being tightened enough to make Eric Pickles look like an hour-glass, a new crisis is emerging that is going to require another bail-out. Rumours of a lack of deposits has led to the country’s first run on a food bank.
With more and more people being forced to use the banks in order to feed their family, deposits in them are now running at an all time low. The charities are now looking for a bail-out to boost their stocks they hold from the government, or Asda.
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