Stop wanting a better quality of life, you lot. It’s upsetting Dave
A million public sector workers are set to strike today however David Cameron has called this action selfish and damaging.
“It’s not fair,” the Prime Minister said. “The truth is that there are a small group of people and they tend to be ideologically motivated and they are opposed to what me and my much smaller group of deeply ideologically motivated chums are doing.” Continue reading
More donations and votes? You do surprise me
On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.
“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading
Plan has been condemned by the Sporran Office.
Alex Salmond has revealed plans to use miles of unwanted ‘Commonwealth Games Tartan’ to build a defensive curtain around Scotland’s nether regions.
“When we gain independence, naturally we’ll want to strictly limit the number of our neighbours we let in”, roared Salmond. “And what better way to do that, than a wall of plaid from coast to coast?”
Salmond quickly dismissed suggestions that invaders might simply crawl underneath. “No Englishman would dare lift a tartan hem, for fear of what lies beneath”, he insisted.
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Filed under Election 2014, Politics, Society, Sport
Ed Miliband has become the latest high-profile member of the Labour Party to refuse to back its leader, Ed Miliband.
“People want a leader they can trust to make the big decisions and be decisive in their implementation,” Mr Miliband wrote on twitter, on the understanding his followers would keep it a secret.
“I struggle to chose what tie to wear for the day. That’s why I have a tie advisor and carry spares in my pocket in case I change my mind.
Mmm, politics can be so delicious
First there was strawmurrays, a harmless renaming of strawberries as a gesture of support for Andy Murray during Wimbledon. Now, Tesco has made a controversial attempt to jump on the being twee with food names bandwagon by renaming its fresh and smoked salmon, Alex Salmond. Continue reading
After finally admitting he is a ‘one nation Tory’ and that he disagrees with the political leanings of his former bosses, the BBC have announced they are lining Jeremy Paxman up to present Top Gear.
“He is pretty much ready to go,” a spokesperson for the show said. “He’s right-wing, called Jeremy, and already has a sizeable amount of people that dislike him.
David Cameron has announced that with immediate effect he will be making Andy Coulson the Conservative’s prison advisor. Andy Coulson was advised of his new role through his lawyers voicemail.
“As with all advisory roles, I like to have someone on the inside,” Mr Cameron told reporters.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Duncan Smith and his shadow. That’s our ‘is vampire’ theory blown.
Iain Smith is today recovering in hospital having had a major operation. The surgery to remove the final traces of his compassion is believed to be the first of its kind.
“Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to St Mary’s Hospital, Westminster last night after complaining of feeling unwell,” said a Downing Street spokesperson. “It is believed he saw a picture of a rough sleeper that was used to illustrate a report on the rise in homelessness and instead of laughing as he normally would felt a brief twinge of concern.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said he has found the answer to all of the NHS’s problem and has asked for the public’s help in fixing it.
“Stop using the bloody NHS” Mr Hunt pleaded in a press conference to announce his plans.
“Every time we sort a problem out, patients decide they need to use the service putting pressure on it and making us go backwards.
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Still a better leader than David Cameron
As the referendum gets closer a new poll has revealed a surprise swing in voter intention. A poll carried out for the Evening Harold by ICM shows that 67% of Scots are intending to vote for independence from England but would welcome joining Westeros as Eighth Kingdom.
“Scotland is small,” said one voter who was polled. “Once independent we will need allies and trade. It would also be nice to wear cloaks in the winter and not be laughed at.”
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Filed under Politics
MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.
“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.
Filed under Defence, International News, Law and Order, News, Politics
Very little help.
In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.
With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”
“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”
Ed Miliband has announced Labour’s plans for welfare reform should they get into government at the general election.
Concentrating on those claiming Jobseekers Allowance he has promised Britain will have the most skilled and educated unemployed in Europe.
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Depressed: Pertinax has been unable to face the world since it happened
Local dog, Pertinax, is threatening to sue the BBC for defamation of character after being slurred on Newsnight.
“I was enjoying watching Jeremy Paxman’s last show,” Pertinax told us from the house he allows the Thorvald family to share with him having chosen them to take him away from a Dunstable cats and dogs home two years ago. “And it was all right, bit smug maybe but it was okay and then Paxman said it.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Thinks: Howard, you utter ‘chump’
Jeremy Paxman will front his last Newsnight tonight. Paxman sprang to international prominence after his 1997 ‘grilling’ of Michael Howard. Hopes were high that the irritatingly smug veteran might be persuaded to appear tonight and interview the former Tory leader again.
The BBC still doesn’t know if Howard will be there however, as revealed in this transcript leaked to the Evening Harold.
Ed Miliband: don’t feed him after midnight
Over 50% of Labour candidates standing for marginal seats at the next election already work in Westminster or are closely related to senior figures within the party. Labour’s refusal to acknowledge that other types of people exist and might be just as good at fiddling their expenses and eating bacon sandwiches as current MPs is seen by many as conclusive evidence that Ed Miliband is a Gremlin. Continue reading
George spots something remarkable, impressing even the staunchest of republicans.
Supreme heir to the throne Baby George Alexander Louis Windsor has visited his submarine fleet and made several improvements.
Admirals were impressed with his bawdy jokes and knowledge of naval strategy. George then gazed at a shiny object while attendees took notes, ate a rusk and scowled intelligently as he imperiously shat himself.
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With laws coming into effect today making forced marriage illegal, Nick Clegg has found himself desperately searching for other excuses to remain a Tory after the next election.
“It seems he will no longer be able to use the ‘they made me do it’ card,” the BBC’s Nick Robinson explained.
Pretty straight guy
Prince of Darkness and Supreme Evil Being Tony Blair has insisted that the West should again go to war in Iraq to provide him with a supply of the fresh blood of the innocents which he needs to retain his youth and immortality.
Commentators from across the political spectrum have denounced the returning of troops to the country as absolute insanity, but Blair is adamant that a resumption of conflict is the only way he he will be able to gorge on the human blood he so desperately craves.
“Look, I’m a pretty straight guy,” he explained to reporters this morning. “And, you know, my blood lust shall be sated. Great.”
Filed under International News, Politics, War
Gove smiling as he holds his wand.
Michael Gove has announced that the syllabus for GCSE English will consist exclusively of novels by JK Rowling, following her recent ‘outstanding display of Britishness’.
As a result of her sizeable donation to the Scotland ‘No’ campaign, the author has been reassessed by the education secretary. Her books are now rated as ‘outstanding’, rather than ‘satisfactory’ as previously thought.
“I would endorse any author who promotes Britishness in their writing, especially if that writing is on a cheque book”, revealed Gove. “There’s a million reasons why we’ve made this decision.”
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