The village of Harold is to have all its residents trained to spot illegal immigrants in a trial to work alongside government plans to get banks, landlords and milkmen to check the status of all their customers.
Minister of State for Immigration, Mark Harper MP said: “It is good to see people taking the initiative and fighting the problem of foreigners without relying on proper border controls.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
With the trial cull of badgers over, the company charged with ‘taking the badgers out’ have asked for some more time as their marksmen were not as good as they thought.
If more badgers are to be executed then there has been a suggestion that they should be gassed, an idea that has led the council in Harold to ask for the services of an ex-Nazi officer.
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Leaked information from ITV HQ had revealed the list of Wannabes and Has-beens competing for the title of “I’m Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2013”.
It promises to be a fiery fortnight with a number of the celebs having publically fallen out big time in recent months. In addition all the old favourite ingredients are included with bikini totty, beefcake and the usual veteran DJ, just about the only one who isn’t awaiting trial somewhere.
No expense has been spared in ensuring that the jungle contains the names you want to see – as well as several you’ve never heard of.
The List in Full: Continue reading
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You don’t have to be mad to live here but it helps.
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Filed under News
New York. Not Hillsborough.
A pre-inquest hearing has been told that video filmed by police during the Hillsborough disaster “may have been edited”, after an audiovisual expert pointed out that the scenes were interspersed with outtakes from US sitcom Friends.
“The reliability of footage taken from handheld cameras used by police officers on that tragic day has been called into question after an independent expert claimed that there were no Friends actors in the stadium, nor did any of the events take place in the interior of the Central Perk coffee house.” explained Pete Weatherby QC, who is representing 21 victims’ families.
“Police officers present on the day maintain that they acted appropriately and with the public’s best interests at heart. A first viewing of the footage they have provided would seem to back this up, with one officer even single-handedly fighting off an attack by a heavily armed group of Nazi soldiers.”
The images have been cross referenced with BBC footage of the events and experts now claim that there were no World War II Nazi soldiers attacking the crowd on that day, despite what the police tapes appear to show. Nor was a small child rescued from a well inside the stadium.
“It was possible that there was an attack by time-travelling Nazi soldiers that was missed by the BBC cameras, and that there was a hidden well inside the stadium that nobody knew about, which a drowning child was heroically rescued from.” continued Weatherby, “But what has really cast doubt on the footage is the outtakes from Friends.”
“Given that the first episode of Friends didn’t air until five and a half years after the Hillsborough disaster we have reason to believe that the footage may have been subtly and skilfully edited.”
If you are so confused by this you literally stop breathing then you could be the man for us.
Due to unforeseen circumstances we at the EDL are urgently seeking a new leader.
Please get someone to read the following criteria to you carefully before deciding if you would be a good fit for the EDL. Godfrey Bloom need not apply.
After revealing the name and address of a completely innocent man on twitter, EDL leader, Tommy Robinson has taken to the social media site once again to show he is not as thick as the episode made him look.
Robinson was attempting to publish the name and address of the editor of EDL News, an anti-EDL protest group, but instead revealed the details of a man who doesn’t even share the same name.
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Larry the cat, 10 Downing Street’s failed rat-catcher, has hit back at reports that he is not liked claiming he never really liked the Camerons anyway.
“We are from totally different backgrounds” Larry told cat trade paper, ‘Meows of the World’. “He was born into a family of millionaires and had the best education money could buy. I, on the other paw, was abandoned in London as a kitten and then put up for adoption.”
The village of Harold has stepped into the row about Qatar holding the 2022 World Cup by telling FIFA the village is ready to hold the competition should they need to change host.
“We already have the infrastructure in place” councillor Ronsson said. “And although like Qatar most of it was build using slave labour, ours was built a long time ago when slavery was acceptable so is actually of historical interest.”
Putting Harold’s case forward to take on the World Cup, Ronsson also pointed out several other advantages of holding it in the village instead of Qatar.
“We won’t need air conditioned stadiums as temperatures in Bedfordshire have never gone above 18.7C. We also have the Squirrel Licker Arms. Like many premises in Qatar it doesn’t have an alcohol license, but we have proudly turned a blind eye to that since 1984.”
The one concern levelled at village is the quality and quantity of stadia. Ronsson admitted that Harold Thursday’s ground was the biggest, holding up to 267 spectators. However he has said that can be increased to 534 if supporters are willing to sit on each other’s laps, something else that is allowed in Harold but frowned on in Qatar.
“For less important games we can convert the village green with some pop-up goals from Argos.”
Ronsson has said he thinks Harold’s bid should be enough to convince FIFA to move the tournament as it was delivered in a brown envelope with £1.3m in used notes.
He also noted that compared Qatar, any game played in Harold that goes to a ‘penalty shoot-out’ was less likely to involve a firing squad, a fact that should see the England team sleep a little better.
Of course that was a long time ago and to imply that this reflects the current practice and outlook of the Daily Mail would be as mad as holding a son to account for his father’s views.
Less fun than a Spectrum 48k
Following its disastrous launch earlier in the year when fans were up in arms over the fact that the new Xbox would have to be always connected to the Internet, then the further revelation that it was not designed to support vertical orientation, Microsoft have finally admitted that their newest toy won’t actually play games either.
“We worked hard to give our customers the best experience with this next generation console,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dale Tice. “But at the end of the day the technology just isn’t in place for us deliver and so with a heavy heart we’re taking the gaming component out of the Xbox One.” Continue reading
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Bringing back Mr Pastry: a key Tory policy designed to please the party faithful
As the Tory Party conference in Manchester lurched towards a conclusion David Cameron took to the stage to announce plans for every under twenty-five year old not in education, training or employment to work in a job centre.
“We are making it impossible for young people to claim benefits,” the Prime Minister said. “Our message to those without jobs is get a job. Yes, it’s that easy because this scheme combined with Osborne’s one that jobseekers will have to attend the job centre every day means that we now need hundred of thousands more job centre workers to administrate this mess. I mean forward thinking policy that will put the UK way out in front in the global race.” Continue reading
Why is too complicated a question. We just want to know how.
It is a story that should disturb everyone who loves this country for the Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that Peter Dacre the journalist whose son Paul now edits the Daily Mail buggered Her Majesty’s swans on several occasions and then blamed what we would today call asylum seekers for the Queen’s feathery subject’s distress.
Peter Dacre was extremely fond of nipping along to a quiet stretch of the Thames near Runnymede where he could get down to some serious man et swan action without fear of being interrupted. There are locals living there now who can still recall hearing cries of ‘How’s that for a Magna Carta?” echoing out from the reeds and remember being terribly afraid of what effect this would have on the value of their houses. Continue reading
Filed under News
It has emerged that badgers are not the only creatures being killed in the Gloucestershire cull aimed at restricting the spread of bovine TB. Statistics released last night revealed that the death toll to date includes 798 badgers, 15 giant pandas, 7 nuns, a Goth, and an abandoned piano.
Although wildlife experts were horrified at the loss of the panda colony, a Defra spokesman tried to put a positive spin. ‘This is good news,’ he said, “because we had no idea there was a flourishing panda community in the West Country. Of course, it’s probably not flourishing now, but it’s nice to know that it had been there.” Continue reading
“This is going to hurt you much more than it does me.”
A controversial scheme, whereby taxpayers will assist Tory politicians onto the gravy train ladder of single-party government, is being launched months earlier than expected at the Conservatives’ annual conference.
David Cameron told the BBC’s Andrew Marr that the party is still ‘recovering from a very low base’ and first time voters still needed a nudge to vote the right way. He rejected fears that the Help to Buy scheme will fuel a bubble of voter over-optimism. “As Prime Minister I am not going to stand by while fine candidates’ aspirations to get on the gravy train ladder are being trashed.” Continue reading
Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.
Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading
Imagine the mess the city will be in twenty-eight days later.
With the influential report from the UN climate panel giving the strongest suggestion yet that climate change is a reality, the Daily Mail has rubbished the evidence saying it refuses to answer the key question, why does it still snow.
“We accept that this paper is one of the most peer reviewed in history” the Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre said. “And it has been written by hundreds of different scientists using experiments and data that are indisputable, but last week we had to put the central heating on. In September for God’s sake”
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A village council in Buckinghamshire have decided to axe its team of three traffic wardens in the latest rounds of budget cuts. The move by Harold council is set to save the taxpayers £66,000 a year.
Unlike similar cuts in other areas, local residents have started a petition to keep the parking enforcement officers, saying they are so nice, helpful and courteous people. “They are always willing to help, and have often saved me a space outside my café” Pippa Delaney told us.
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Move along, nothing to see here
Harold’s Women’s Institute has formally apologised for a misunderstanding which lead to great disappointment for members and potential members alike.
“My apologies to all who came expecting the advertised lecture on dogging at our August meeting.” explained WI Chair Jane Moorhead “It seems that a simple spellchecking and proof reading error had replaced the original ‘dog-walking’”.
“Full marks to our guest speaker Daphne Rogers though, whose inspiring talk on her work with the RNIBin Dunstable did much to dispel the evident frustration of some more vocal members and their, uninvited, husbands.
“Just a few procedural points here for some WI members, who really should know better. Booing is never acceptable, nor is throwing things, particularly at the speaker. Finally, we’re exempt from the Equality Act so husbands or male partners may only attend specific events. No names, no pack drill, Alice.”
Given the level of interest though, Moorhead wants to hear from anyone able to give a talk on dogging. “We’ve slot in October, which may be a better bet than August. The clocks will have gone back by then but the pub car park lighting will probably still be out”.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing? No idea, but I’m looking forward to finding out.”
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