Category Archives: News

Family-friendly policies. Cameron explains “I meant bankers’ families”

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“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”

David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.

“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”

Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.

The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.

“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”

According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading

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Facebook to start marking Daily Mail stories as ‘not satire, honest’.

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Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
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Benefits ‘welfare card’ scheme to be extended to MPs’ expenses

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New proposals to pay benefit claimants onto cards that limit what the money can be used for will also be rolled out to MP expenses.

The scheme will ensure the ‘scroungers’ don’t waste taxpayers’ money by ensuring it is only used to but the essentials, and not on lavish dinners, homes for their parents and duck houses.
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Travelodge removes Bibles from rooms replaces them with Fifty Shades of Grey

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Grey vs. Bible. One’s fan fiction that somehow become wildly influential and the other is…ah, you know how this one ends

In order to reflect the diversity of the UK and the fact that it is home to people of many faiths and none, Travelodge has removed copies of the Bible from all its rooms and replaced them with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and a Freddo bar.

Travelodge spokeswoman, Kat Simmonds, told the Evening Harold that when it came to having the Bible loose “we didn’t feel it was appropriate and so have replaced it with what our research tells us is the best alternative.”

“We realised that most people who stay in a Travelodge are alone and wondering why their life has come to this,” Kat Simmonds explained. “So the chocolate is there for some emotional over-eating and Fifty Shades is provided for the kind of joyless bout of self-pleasure that only someone who has to stay in budget inns a lot will understand.” Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, News, Religion

Farage anger at pregnant ‘benefit tourist’, Tian Tian

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Ukip leader Nigel Farage has launched a scathing attack on Edinburgh Zoo’s possibly pregnant panda bear, Tian Tian, accusing her of getting pregnant just to stay in the UK.

“We are a soft touch,” Farage told supporters. “These bloody foreign pandas come over here, are housed and fed for free and now she is pregnant she will no doubt move out of the zoo, into a council house and receive every benefit going.”
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Clare Balding be given her own BBC channel

Omnipresent

Omnipresent

Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.

Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading

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Justice Minister: ‘will go to prison’ to oppose prisoner votes if necessary.

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Can anyone else see A Big Cock?

Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.

“Sod them,” said Minister of Justice, Chris Grayling in a typical outburst that has seen him labelled thoughtful and honest by no one ever. “We’re removing health benefits from prisoners’ families next.”

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Filed under Europe, Law and Order, Nature, News, Politics

New cave painting discovery puts Bruce Forsyth’s age at around 40,000 years

Nice to see you!

Nice to see you!

A newly discovered cave painting in Spain has caused archaeologists to reassess their opinion of Sir Bruce Forsyth’s age, with the new estimate placing him at over 40,000 years old.

The painting, found in the caves of Monte Castillo in Cantabria, Spain, show Forsyth in his signature pose flanked by a pair of what have been described as ‘dolly birds’. Continue reading

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Unexpected ‘Situation Vacant’ in UK cabinet

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“I didn’t get here today by … err how did I get here?”

Applications are invited for an exciting position right at the centre of government policy making.

Not enough to do in your own life? ‘Sort of’ interested in politics?

Always wanted to boss other people about? Maybe even a whole country?

Maybe you’re a failed parliamentary candidate, wanting to cut through all that red tape of actually winning an election Continue reading

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Red faced Government officials admit stockpiling antivirus software to deal with Ebola

anti virEmbarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.

Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Medicine, News

Oh what a lovely war: remembering WWI when war was neat and white (mostly)

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Today there’d be a huge social media campaign including tweets from Prince Harry telling people to enlist

As conflicts in Gaza, Syria and many other places continue to rage, the West is commemorating WWI with fondness for an era when soldiers wore neat and tidy uniforms and blew up other mainly white men with the minimum of fuss. Continue reading

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Tony Blair eats spiders, makes prank calls: Faith Foundation exposed in new book

Tony-Blair

Tony Blair the oil painting: they say the self-righteousness follows you around the room

An ex-employee of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation, Martin Bright,  has written about his former boss’ bizarre behaviour in a new book. Inside the foundation’s base, a posh tower block in the West End known as The Messiah Complex, Blair exposes staff to shocking scenes. Continue reading

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UN threatens to shake its fist and say ‘grrr’ if hostilities don’t end

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With bold statements such as ‘stop fighting, now’, ‘stop killing children’, and ‘will you stop teasing Ukraine’, the world’s well-meaning but ultimately powerless parent, the UN, has threatened to start shaking its fist in a frustrated manner whilst saying ‘grrr’ if hostilities around the world don’t stop.

“We are in a difficult position”, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said. “Israel blame Hamas who in turn blame Israel, Russia’s friends are destroying Ukraine but Russia says it doesn’t know them even though we saw them all drinking together in the park. And God knows what North Korea are up to, we haven’t seen them in ages.

“We’ve tried sanctions on Russian billionaires but who knew they didn’t keep all their assets in one legitimate bank account?
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Filed under International News, News

Driverless BMWs will still ‘act like dicks’, company says

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With the government announcement that driverless cars will be permitted on public roads, BMW have said that any driverless car they release will still act like a dick.

“It is important that any autonomous car acts in a way people would expect if it was being driven by a human” a BMW press release said.
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Filed under Motoring, News

Commonwealth Games extended until world’s bad stuff stops happening

Gary Lineker still presenting age 104

Gary Lineker still presenting age 104

The BBC has announced it has come to an agreement with Glasgow 2014 organisers to extend the Commonwealth Games until all the bad stuff around the world has ended.

With planes being shot down in Ukraine and no end in sight for the Middle East conflict, The Beeb has decided it much easier to deal with wall-to-wall coverage of lawn bowls, squash and cycling than any in depth look at the many issues that look set to start WWIII.  Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Sport

Diesel car drivers face £10 charge to help reduce smug levels

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Drivers of diesel cars are to face an extra charge of up to £10 on top of the congestion charge in London to help compensate for the amount of smug they give off.

Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.

A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
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Filed under Economy, Motoring, News

Youth club funding cuts ‘a threat to Commonwealth table tennis competition’.

20140728-150836-54516510.jpgCommonwealth table tennis is in danger of falling standards and possible extinction if cuts to youth clubs continue, an insider told us.

Sipping on a can of Coke and chewing on a pack of Haribo during a high level training session at Harold Youth Club, an up and coming player explained a decline in youth clubs across the country would see minority sports such as table tennis, table football, and priest evading disappear.

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Filed under Culture, News, Sport

Radical changes in police tactics see officers moved from spying on victims to catching killers

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In a bid to increase crime detection rates, police in the UK are to divert resources used to spy on victim’s families to using undercover officers and detectives to catch criminals.

With the damning evidence released from the Macpherson report that suggested the Met had launched a military style surveillance on the family of murdered teenager Stephen Lawrence, and now claims the same happened to the mother of student Ricky Reel, police have admitted that to date, this policy has failed to find the killers.

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Scotland expecting everybody to make a big fuss over their sports day

usain bolt

Sorry Usain, daddy couldn’t make it.

Scotland are holding a huge sports day in Glasgow and for some reason expect this to be of great interest to people, and for spectators to consist of more than just the parents and teachers of the competitors.

Traditional sports day events such as the egg and spoon race, three-legged race and tug-of-war have been replaced with a load of cycling and running and stuff, and people are being asked to pay for tickets. Continue reading

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UK continues to sell arms to Russia after Putin makes a ‘pinky promise’ to behave.

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In an embarrassing admission by the British government, it has become clear that the UK is still selling arms to Russia, however firm assurances over their use have been received from Vladimir Putin by way if a ‘pinky promise’.

Speaking of his first meaningful action as foreign secretary, Philip Hammond explained he flew to Russia over night to get the pinky promise from Putin.
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Filed under International News, News