Category Archives: Lifestyle

Generic Celebrity decides to ‘put the record straight’ in new book, just before Christmas

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After years giving interviews, being on television and releasing press releases to respond to every news story ever written about them, Generic Celebrity has taken the bold decision to ‘put the record straight’ in a new book, just before Christmas.

“My reputation in the press is well known” Generic Celebrity told us. “I have often been accused of spending money, having sex, and occasionally being in a bad mood. Now it’s time I stuck up for myself and put my side of the story across, just before Christmas.

“Sure I could use my public profile to do it in interviews and through the press for free, but I think it will be far more dignified if I do it in a £14.99 book just in time for people spending money on frivilous shit, just before Christmas”.

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‘Does my brain look big in this wig?’ Appeal Court Judges land live TV show

judges

Audience will be the judge of that.

Appeal Court Judges have landed a deal for a six-part series, to be broadcast live this autumn.  The deal follows a successful pilot episode called ‘Cameron v The Queen’ which went out live last Thursday afternoon.

Harold’s own well-loved resident actor Digby Burns, who describes himself as ‘currently laid up with a bad back,’ had the privilege of being one of those watching the pilot and has kindly written a review for the Evening Harold for a few quid to tide him over.  As a regular extra on Midsomer Murders, Mr Burns knows a thing or two about acting, especially falling flat on his face in the mud with a knife in his back.  “I’ve played that part many times for the opening credits sequence,” he said, “and the director is an absolute perfectionist.   I did 26 takes last time before she was satisfied.”
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Pet owners complain that their cats smell of Dell Laptops

IMG_0920Eight out of ten cat owners have complained that their moggies have started to emit a smell similar to that of a new laptop computer.

Although the pong, first reported in September, has been identified by boffins as being identical to Dell’s Latitude 6430u laptop, experts are baffled by the cause of the ‘Dell Smell’ phenomenon. Continue reading

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Surviving the wine shortage: a tramp’s guide

Mr Horse

Mr Horse

Recent news of a global wine shortage has caused a panic among the general population, with supermarkets reporting panic-buying of Blue Nun and cross-channel ferries to France fully booked with people desperately trying to stock up to beat the crisis.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are other ways to escape the crushing reality of your daily life without wine, and you don’t even have to resort to hallucinogenic drugs. A number of other alcoholic drinks, which are not in short supply, will complement your meals just as well as your favourite wine, and give you that same warm, fuzzy glow that helps you to forget how awful your job is. Harold’s favourite tramp, John Horse, takes you through some of the alternatives: Continue reading

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Mercury prize won by obscure band who punch goats while holding microphones

Makes an award-winning sound when you punch it in the face

Makes an award-winning sound when you punch it in the face

The prestigious Mercury music prize has been won by a hitherto unheard of band, who eschew traditional musical instruments in favour of recording metallic grinding noises from industrial machinery and mixing it with the sound you get when you punch a goat in the face while holding a microphone.

“The Barclaycard Mercury Prize has taken on even more significance in recent years, as the only other major award for British artists, The Brits, tend to be won by acts that the general public have not only heard of, but also like.” said Timothy Forbes, music editor for The Guardian, “The Mercury Prize is therefore essential to remind ordinary music fans how much better than them us critics are.” Continue reading

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Giraffes wear Nick Clegg masks after failing to solve leaf eating puzzle

giraffe

‘I looked ridiculous’, claimed blue-tongued, 30-foot tall freak.

A leaf eating puzzle sweeping Africa has resulted in almost all giraffes wearing Nick Clegg masks for the next three days. The seemingly simple puzzle spread rapidly via Savannah media and was the talk of waterholes up and down Africa and beyond. The rare giraffes that solved the puzzle got to feel smug, and the masses that failed had to wear the Clegg mask and thus looked even smugger.

The puzzle involved a giraffe hearing their parents call from the waterhole 200 metres away. It is 3.00am and the parents have a bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, a bag of healthy leaves, and a bag of decorative leaves. The giraffes were asked what they would open first.

95% of giraffes said they would open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, 4% opted to open the door and then open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, and 1% said they would open their eyes and then get straight into the tasty and hallucinogenic leaves.

The puzzle caused furious debate throughout Africa, with accusations of unclear wording and outright cheating.
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George Osborne’s hair to headline Glastonbury

Noel Osborne

Osborne will perform tracks by The Ramones, Joy Division and Bob the Builder.

Chancellor George Osborne is hoping to boost his popularity, by taking his new ‘mod’ hair on the road and playing at Glastonbury.

Osborne, who now drops his aitches and calls the festival ‘Glasto’, has been remodelled into what politicians believe is ‘the average punter’.

“Plebs ‘n that, they don’ like airs n’ graces an’ all that”, explained Osborne. “So ar’ve decided to be meself, or at least be the meself that wouldn’t have been bullied quite so relentlessly at school.”
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Further furrowing of brows between rival gangs of pacifists

hippies

The negative vibes were too much for some.

Following last night’s confrontation between the Love ‘n’ Peace Gang from Chiggley Moor Lane West and the Buddhist Boys of Chiggley Moor Lane East, more outbreaks of bad vibes and tutting incidents have been reported in nearby areas of Harold today.

Last night’s face-to-face occurred at the Chiggley Moor Lane Central mini-roundabout in a dispute over territorial boundaries, resulting in slightly raised voices and someone saying ‘well, poo to you, then’ before they went their ways, hushing and whispering.

But the situation escalated today when a mob of Make Tea Not War Warriors set up camp on the corner of Chapel Street, provokingly close to the headquarters of the Flower Power Division of the League of Hippies.  ‘Looks like heading for an exchange of frowns for an hour or two,’ tweeted nearby resident Melanie Delaney, soon followed by the ominous update ‘Both sides unrolling yoga mats.’

There followed a battle of minds as both teams first tried to out-meditate the other.  The Make Tea warriors then put on a nicely-choreographed display of basic T’ai Chi positions before the Hippies retaliated by pulling out a folk guitar and launching an endless whining protest song from the sixties.  By the 14th chorus, the Warriors had had enough and disappeared to put the kettle on.

‘They’re a blooming nuisance, these peace gangs,’ said local pensioner Tom Stalling.  ‘They come anywhere near me with leaflets, I’m turning my hearing aid off.’

Home Secretary Theresa May has promised a full crackdown on extremist gangs of fundamental neo-pacifists with the launch of Operation Softly Softly Mr Softy.  ‘Officers from the Met are being specially trained in the use of throat singing,’ she told the House, ‘and will soon be ready to move in, armed with Rescue Remedy Spray, patchouli oil and their own version of a neck massage.’

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Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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Britain’s favourite meal “somebody else’s dinner”

That. Whatever it is that he's carrying. No, I don't know what it is but I want it.

That. Whatever it is that he’s carrying. No, I don’t know what it is but I want it.

A recent survey has found that Britain’s favourite meal is whatever somebody else is eating. The aroma of somebody else’s food, that you can’t quite place but smells great, beat traditional favourites such as fish and chips, curry, and unspecified meat kebab to the number one spot.

“Can you smell that coming from next door? I can’t tell what it is; it could be oven chips and a pasty from Iceland with precisely zero nutritional value for all I know, but I’m not cooking it and it smells nice. I want it.” said Ian Jenkins,  one of the people surveyed.

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GTA V so good some gamers forgetting to masturbate regularly

GTA5The eagerly anticipated launch of Grand Theft Auto 5 has had an unanticipated side effect, with some gamers so engrossed in the experience they have not masturbated in almost thirty six hours.

Several shops opened at midnight to satisfy demand for the game amongst the sort of person who normally knocks one out about seven or eight times a day. Many of those who were first through the doors have been glued to their PS3 or Xbox 360 ever since, not even stopping to sleep, eat or have the occasional quick tug. Continue reading

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Sonning Bridge post box to be converted into flats

postbox

Chance to buy recently spoiled piece of history

A post box that appeared on a bridge across the Thames has been sold off to developers for £650k. With river views, a traditional design and easy access to the road just above it, the post box conversion is already the subject of a bidding war.

“When we first saw that there was a piece of social history in Sonning that hadn’t been despoiled yet, we just had to get our cheque book out”, exclaimed builder Jeremy Castle.

“It’s just the sort of impractical, showy design that a twat from London will pay big money for”, explained Castle. “There’s even plenty of space to park a Range Rover, if you gain access through the sunroof and remember to never open the doors.”
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Jamie Oliver tells poor to shun cheesy chips and eat their nutritious babies instead

Another white, male, multi-millionaire Tory telling people how to live - just what this country needs

Another white, male, multi-millionaire Tory telling people how to live – just what Britain needs

In his latest interview as he plugs his new TV show, multimillionaire Jamie Oliver has spoken of his despair at the eating habits of the poor.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in poor communities,” he said. “And I find it quite hard to talk about modern-day poverty. You might remember that scene in Ministry of Food with the mum and the kid eating chips and cheese out of Styrofoam containers and behind them is a massive fucking TV. It just didn’t weigh up.” Continue reading

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Launch of Politically Correct Football Song: ‘We love Nottingham Forest …’

Left Back in the past

Left Back in the past

Following discussions with human rights campaigner Peter Tachell, the Police have decreed that all chants and songs will be monitored to ensure that they are appropriate and politically balanced at all times.

Failure to adhere to the new rules could result in a ban and fans will be unable to travel to Brazil to support England in the World Cup. Not that they will be allowed to only support England as that would be biased which is strictly prohibited.

As the traditional “We hate Nottingham Forest” song is now outlawed, the Evening Harold has provided the following a new song for fans everywhere: Continue reading

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Family to release holiday video ‘straight to Netflix’

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With modern technology changing our viewing habits, the Jeffery family from Harold have made the decision to release this year’s holiday video straight to Netflix.

“Over the years, people are showing less and less interest in viewing the ‘Jeffery Family Holiday’ video at the scheduled broadcast time” Ms Jeffery explained.

“At first I thought they were trying to send us a hint that maybe they weren’t that interested, but after a bit of research I found out most people like to view things on demand now. That explains why nobody turned up last year, or the year before that.”
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Banks misselling feature: Have you ever been in a bank? You’ve probably been mis-sold something

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Have you ever walked into a bank, and had a conversation with one of the cashiers? Have you taken advantage of telephone banking only to find yourself talking to someone on the other end of the phone? Have you ever banked online and had some words on the screen?

If you have answered yes to any of the above, a new investigation has shown you were probably mis-sold something.
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Prestigious literary award given to local teenager for ‘detailed Facebook updates’.

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There was a shock winner at the Evening Harold Online Literary Awards last night, with the main prize, online writer of the year, going to the relatively unknown local girl Melanie Delaney, 19, for her autobiographical writings on Facebook.

With her friends being kept informed of everything from the idiots on the bus on her way to work, to her decision to use a break in ‘X-Factor’ to ‘pop to the loo’ resulting in her weeing in record time, the judges agreed that no other online writer produced such a detailed account of anything else throughout the year.

“Not only did she give us an insight into how she was feeling with just a single emoticon, she also added mystery and intrigue with updates such as ‘not again’, ‘arse’ and ‘*sigh’”, one of the judging panel explained.
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Stuntman Death Latest: Jumping Without Parachute ‘Dangerous’ Warns Expert

Forgotten anything?

A Health and Safety expert has issued a warning following the death of local stuntman, Dave Dunnit, who jumped from a helicopter without a parachute yesterday.

“Although investigations have yet to be concluded, it would appear that the cause of death was most probably jumping out of the aircraft without a parachute,” commented the HSE man. “Unless the aircraft in which you are travelling is actually about to crash, we would strongly recommend against jumping out; especially without a parachute since the belief that you can glide to earth like a bird, is at best misguided.” Continue reading

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Jeremy Paxman and Jeremy Kyle swap places in latest ‘TV mash-up’

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Following in the footstep of ‘8 out of 10 cats’ and ‘Countdown’, the BBC and ITV have joined forces to bring us the ultimate ‘mash-up programmes’. In aid of comic relief, Jeremy Paxman and Jeremy Kyle have swapped places for a day and recorded each others shows

‘The Jeremy Paxman show’ saw the newly-bearded presenter take on some of society’s more special examples of guests, but without the use of lie detectors, DNA tests and security guards. Whilst over on BBC2’s ‘Newsnight’,, Kyle grilled the politicians in the days news using his usual tools to break them down, before offering them counseling with his aftercare team.
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Train companies to use 4.1% fare rise to create ‘bring your own seat’ carriages.

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Passengers are advised to bring a spare hamock should floor space be at a premium

With the announcement that rail fares will rise by an average of 4.1% next year, train companies have unveiled how they will use the extra money to increase seating opportunities for customers during peak periods. Current rolling stock will be stripped out and tickets will now be sold on a ‘bring your own seat’ basis.

“We acknowledge that passengers tend not to like change, so we will keep the option to stand for a three hour journey” Great Western trains managing director, Tim Hopwood, explained. “We believe this will still be the most popular option following our trials on livestock, but for the most discerning customer they can bring their own seat.”

The news has led to people panic buying, leaving many motorway service areas without stock of their 2 for £10 camping chairs.

Passenger groups have said that although they are not happy with a 4.1% rise in fares being used to reduce the level of service they receive, they have said the changes are not as bad as they though they would be.

In a statement, one group said they had feared much worse after seeing prototypes for roller blades adapted to run on rails. However the train companies have said they were just testing out the idea, but the trials on the same livestock was less successful.

Controversially, these changes will see first class carriages also stripped bare, but as Mr Hopwood explained, this will cause far less of an issue.

“We found that those that have the sort of money that means they can upgrade from a private jet to a first class rail ticket are usually in the position to have staff carry they couch on board for them, or at the very least, they can sit on one of their civil servants.”

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