In his latest interview as he plugs his new TV show, multimillionaire Jamie Oliver has spoken of his despair at the eating habits of the poor.
“I’ve spent a lot of time in poor communities,” he said. “And I find it quite hard to talk about modern-day poverty. You might remember that scene in Ministry of Food with the mum and the kid eating chips and cheese out of Styrofoam containers and behind them is a massive fucking TV. It just didn’t weigh up.”
Jamie’s solution to eating healthily on an extremely limited budget is the resurrection of an idea originally put forward in 1729 by one of the very first celebrity chefs, Jonathan Swift.
“Yeah, what I’m doing is giving Swifty’s idea a cool modern twist by saying that it’s the poor what should eat their babies,” said Oliver. “Babies are cheap, plentiful and a good source of delicately flavoured meat. Slow roast one for a few hours with some garlic and salt, chuck in a few spuds and carrots alongside and you’ve got yourself a pukka meal for hardly any dosh. Simples.”
Anticipating criticism of this modest proposal Oliver said, “I meet people who say ‘you don’t understand what it’s like’ I just want to hug them and teleport them to the Sicilian street cleaner who has just killed and cooked his youngest son and used the meat in an amazing pasta dish. You go to Italy or Spain and they eat babies all the time, doing well on not much money. We’ve missed out on that in Britain somehow.”
Asked if he would ever consider eating one of his own babies Oliver replied: ‘No way! I’m minted and they’re lovely little middle class tigers stuffed full of potential. Let’s be honest in 2013 the only potential a poor baby’s got is as an ingredient.”