Forget the new foreign office advice, here are some Harold by-laws you must not forget


Following the extra foreign office advice warning of odd laws you may fall foul of when you are abroad, we thought we should remind you of some by-laws in Harold.

Beastiality is legal for half an hour every other Lammas Day not every. Villagers must check before embarking and are reminded that non-consensual human/animal relations remains an offence no matter what day it is.

All French people will be incarcerated in the village keep until their trustworthiness is vouched for by a man of good standing who owns a house and at least five goats (not enforced since Eric Cantona drove through Harold by mistake).

Hopscotch is banned throughout Harold. You know why.

Guns are legal. Bullets are not.

It is illegal to swim anti-clockwise in the River Gluggle.

All villagers over the age of eighteen must practice embroidery for at least two hours on a Sunday.

Preferring Superman to Batman is an offence.

Sleeping with a teddy bear with only one arm, eye or ear is seen as ‘abusing a position of trust’ and is punishable by headphones playing Michael Bolton being fixed to your ears

Any school performance must be performed through the medium of mime, adhering to the ‘seen not heard’ policy.

All pets must be kept on a lead in public with the exception of goldfish. Anyone owning a Boris Johnson should always make sure it is wearing a gaffer tape muzzle.

Any man caught topless outside in the summer, must spend an equal amount of time topless in January, preferably clearing snow.


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