Experts in the field of irrelevant data have said today the UK will see the first 13th December 2014 since records began.
Although this date will be seen across the globe for 24 hours starting at midnight, those studying the claim say it is impossible to verify if this is the first occurrence of this date and year combination anywhere in the world, but do back up the data that says it is the first and only time it has been 13th December 2014 in the UK.
The party season is in full swing, and even if you’re not a natural party animal our essential guide will help you find your inner beast.
Although the annual bash has moved away from the office itself, many party venues are offering traditional entertainment with photocopiers and the perennial favourite, the stationery cupboard thrown in along with the tepid turkey, chipolatas and randy DJ.
So here is our handy survival guide: Continue reading
“Don’t chew it too quickly. It can make the meat tough.”
A senior Tory peer has suggested that the poor would be less hungry if they learned to graze, while also claiming their sedentary lifestyle makes them ‘as tender as veal’.
The Baroness Lettuce De Mondieu believes that fitting ‘a few rudimentary additional stomachs’ would enable the underclasses to chew the cud on roundabouts and recreational grounds, whilst preserving their sought-after organic status.
“No-one should have to see starving faces in 21st century Britain”, said Lady De Mondieu “But fillet steak can be awfully expensive. Better to perform a simple operation on a few unfortunate beasts and give them a chance to fatten up naturally and cheaply. If we start now, I could have one for Christmas dinner.”
Hello, can I interest you in a bargain?
A man who got carried away in Black Friday’s shopping frenzy and ended up buying a camel has insisted he does not regret his unplanned purchase.
Project Manager Norman Mellor, from the village of Harold, set out for the midnight sales in nearby Dunstable intending to snag a 46″ Faptronic LCD TV with 3D and soundboard, but was disappointed to find out that everyone else had the same idea, and there were no televisions left.
“I admit to being a bit caught up in the moment,” conceded Mellor, “There were bargains everywhere and I was desperate to get a good deal. I toyed with a Dyson, but we’ve already got four and I couldn’t really justify it. Then I saw the camel.”
The smell of Christmas
A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints.
Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the village of Harold said it was far from magical, with piles of excrement everywhere and Father Christmas handing out cheap shiny toilet paper “like they used to have at school”.
The few paying customers before the site’s hasty closure in a police raid said their children had been left in tears. One said it “ruined the magic of Christmas”.
“We were so excited about the World of Poo, the kids have been hopping up and down all week,” said an unhappy visitor.
“But we got here, and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, it was full of poo!” he complained. “I could have knocked that out in my back garden, if I wasn’t constipated.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture, Lifestyle
Blanc trying to ‘pick-up’ his hand
“Now that women won’t touch my bargepole with a bargepole, I’ve had to rethink my approach” said Blanc. “That’s when I thought I’d use all my usual pick-up techniques to seduce my hand.”
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle
Not. Diet. Food.
No. Of course it couldn’t.
Don’t be ridiculous.
A terrorist, yesterday
The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.
It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.
“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading
“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”
Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.
This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News, Uncategorized
Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone
Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.
Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading
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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Tory sex scandal
Despite his return last Saturday, Dr Who has been unable to prevent the terror level in the UK rising from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe’.
Home Secretary Theresa May said: “Early indications show the decision to replace the previous Dr with an older model for his latest attempts to save the world hasn’t dampened al-Qaeda’s willingness to harm the UK.
“They have also cottoned on to the fact that as modern day terrorists, they are low down on the time lord’s watch list behind statues, Daleks, Cybermen, and killer droids.”
The ‘severe’ threat level is the fourth highest of five. Any further risk may see the risk rise to an unprecedented ‘quick, to the Tardis, it’s first come first served’ level.
The new rating means that an attack from human-based baddies is ‘highly likely’, but a spokeswoman for the Dr said that is not really ‘his thing’.
“Dr Who, no matter which incarnation, has never really been into local earth terrorists instead preferring to deal with the more space, time and sci-fi type,” Clara Oswald explained.
“Some people think this is a little selfish seeing as religious fundamentalists are this country’s biggest threat. But you’d choose the same if your travelling options are between the Tardis to a far away planet or parallel universe or an Easyjet flight to Baghdad.”
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Have you been told by your employers that tattoos are unacceptable? Well, hope is at hand thanks to Harold tattooist Dave Zhou who has invented a technique which provides perfect invisible tattoos, which means you can have a tattoo anywhere you like without your boss being able to see it.
Being a police officer, PC Anita Flegg had been unable to display even the tiniest of tattoos until now, so she was one of Dave Zhou’s first customers when he advertised the new product. She is delighted with the results.
“It’s been a real bore not being able to have tats like my mates,” she told the Evening Harold, “but now, thanks to Dave’s skills, I’m thrilled to have a tattoo on my forehead which reads ‘Make my day, punk’ which I know is there but no one can see, so I can’t get into trouble at work. It’s so empowering.” Continue reading
These people have never paid less than £4 for a cup of coffee in their lives.
The process of making every community in the UK full of boutique coffee places, vinyl record shops, and self-styled creative hubs, but nowhere you can buy batteries or pants, has ground to a halt due to a shortage of hipsters.
Harold couple Oofy and Lysander Eastof say they are sad that they won’t be joined in the village by more people like them. Continue reading
Free anarchy T-shirt with every edamame bean salad.
Thousands of citizens have enjoyed a weekend of government-approved anarchy, claimed Britain’s propaganda machine, the BBC.
Rebellious festival-goers paid £215 each to make a stand against the Status Quo, one of the few geriatric groups not performing this year.
“I love the chance to express my individualism by phoning up and buying a ticket when the media tells me to”, said a defiant-looking Nigel Farquar-Smitherington.
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After finally admitting he is a ‘one nation Tory’ and that he disagrees with the political leanings of his former bosses, the BBC have announced they are lining Jeremy Paxman up to present Top Gear.
“He is pretty much ready to go,” a spokesperson for the show said. “He’s right-wing, called Jeremy, and already has a sizeable amount of people that dislike him.
Natural, healthy, tedious.
With the government advising parents to only allow their children to drink water, Harold Councillor Ron Ronsson has come up with a delicious way of livening up this boring drink:
“Canned drinks can be bad for you, which is why I only give my children water. But if your kids are like mine, then they’re fussy as well as fat: why not follow my simple recipe to help you ‘fancy it up’ a bit?”
“And that’s it! I always insist my urchins brush their teeth immediately after, or at least once they’ve slept some of it off. And what do they need to rinse the toothpaste out of their mouths? You guessed it! More of my delicious ‘Ronsson Water’!”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health, Lifestyle
Might pies give off a gas which makes you fat?
Researchers studying a large group of women for 40 years say data collected shows the risk of obesity increases with over-exposure to any light-at-night, such as the problematic ‘light in the fridge’. Continue reading
Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.
Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.
With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.
But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.
“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Lifestyle, Medicine, science
Feeling chipper.
Jeremy, a white, middle-sized potato, has spoken of his pride after being selected by Waitrose.
Despite tough competition from migrant sweet potatoes, a Jerusalem artichoke and two swedes, Jeremy made it to the prime eye-level shelf opposite a kumquat and a pre-washed bistro salad.
“My teachers always said I’d amount to nothing more than the crust on an Aldi fish pie”, revealed Jeremy.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle
Black represents the bad bit.
As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.
Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.
“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
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