Urban regeneration halted as UK runs out of hipsters


These people have never paid less than £4 for a cup of coffee in their lives.

The process of making every community in the UK full of boutique coffee places, vinyl record shops, and self-styled creative hubs, but nowhere you can buy batteries or pants, has ground to a halt due to a shortage of hipsters.

Harold couple Oofy and Lysander Eastof say they are sad that they won’t be joined in the village by more people like them.

“This shortage is dreadful,” said Oofy. “We’ve lived here six months and we were hoping a load of friends would move too. I mean if everyone rents a room we could take over all the family-sized houses and get something truly meaningful and creative happening here. Make it more us.”

“Daddy was going to  buy that dreadful village pub for me so we could turn it into a space for retro-shabby pop-ups and beard wax altars but thanks to the hipster famine we’ll have to leave it.”

So great is the crisis that the Prime Minister released the following statement on it:

“Without a huge pack of mostly rich, mostly thick twenty and thirty-somethings banging on about how everything’s ironic and demanding artisan bread and sit up and beg bike emporiums places suffer and fail to modernise in a socially acceptable way.”

“With no hipsters there’s a real danger that some communities will remain genuinely working class. I’m not entirely sure what that means but Gidders assures me that it’s terrifying and involves lots of dogs and everything smelling of chips.”

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