Seagulls up in wings over soaring chimney prices

Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.

Rising chimney prices was top of the agenda at the Seagull Union’s Annual Conference in Scarborough this week.

Delegates complained about the cramped conditions many of their members endure, living in over-crowded squalor in crannies in the cliffs.

“I blame the government for failing to stimulate the chimney-building sector,” said one delegate, while other more radical gulls blamed the EU for restrictive anti-greenhouse gas policies.

Conference concluded that, whatever the root cause, the lack of affordable housing was due to a shortage of new chimneys, and passed a motion in favour of re-nationalising the coal industry.

The conference was held on the roof of the Grand Hotel, enjoying fine views in a handy location close to the harbour and seafront amenities. Hard-working gull families elsewhere were quick to flag up the irony.

“These conferences are just an excuse for an all-expenses-paid squawk on a posh roof at the seaside with three-course luncheons of fresh fish while they bask in the sun,” said a disgruntled Arthur Scargull. “They want to try living on a landfill.”

A group of anarchist gull conference-crashers demanded a full-scale cull of politicians, claiming they make too much noise and mess. But security saw them off and they were last seen heading towards the Spa Orchestra lunchtime concert area, intent on out-screeching the violins.

With an eye on the 2015 General Election, conference called a vote on the question “Do we want five more years of this Cormorant-Tit Coalition or should we let the Millerbird have a go?”

The vote was split 50/50 between left-wingers and right-wingers. As one delegate summed it up, “Whether you lean to the left or to the right, as long as you go in a circle you’ll finish up back on the same chimney.”

Conference also agreed to retain existing strategies for dealing with so-called ‘holiday tourists’ and ended with a standing ovation following a report that the number of ice-cream thefts from toddlers was up 10% on the previous year, with a similar increase in direct hits on bald heads.