Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?
However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading
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Filed under environment, News, science
Artist’s impression of completed barn re-conversion.
Touched by the plight of lambing sheep stranded on the Somerset Levels, Harold architect Joseph Blythe has applied to Harold Council for permission to convert his high-spec open-plan living accommodation back into the barn from which he created it a decade ago.
“It’s a long-term job that’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said, but remains undaunted by the scale of the project, which involves ripping out the balconied mezzanine above the main living area and replacing it with a simple hayloft and digging up the Italian stone floor tiles to create a soil-level sleeping area for the sheep. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Farming, floods, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets
Following In the footsteps of Labour leader Ed Miliband, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has been accused of trying to capitalise on people’s misery and enhance his image in the West by visiting flood affected areas in the UK for a photo opportunity.
“In this situation he has about as much power and influence as Miliband,” one angry resident of Purley said.
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Filed under environment, News, Politics
A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government
As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Weather
Who amongst us does not have swimming with badgers on their bucket list?
While floods continue to cause misery for the people of Somerset they have proved to be extremely good news for badgers whose population is not just thriving and growing but to the surprise of naturalists becoming tool-using. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, environment
Having a bit of trouble getting in is no reason not to attend work.
Iain Duncan Smith has stopped all benefits for people living in flooded areas after branding them all scroungers.
“Just because your home and community are underwater that’s no reason not to be making a contribution to society like millions of hard-working tax-payers up and down the country,” the Secretary for Work and Pensions said. “It has come to my attention that those in receipt of benefits and living in the worst hit areas for flooding are responsible for shockingly high rates of workplace and job centre absenteeism and this is unacceptable.” Continue reading
Filed under environment, News
Oh look, a floater!
The Australian government has defended its controversial decision to approve the construction of an enormous sewage treatment plant on top of the entire Barrier Reef. Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s Liberal Party government have not made the environment their top priority, but few expected them to cover the world’s largest coral reef system in human excrement so soon after coming to power.
Great Barrier Reef Marine Park Authority chairman, Dr Russell Reichelt, said he recognised the amount of debate and community concern the project had generated, but wanted to assure the public that “only the finest human faeces will be chosen to be dumped on the reef, along with specially-selected soiled nappies and sanitary products.” Continue reading
Filed under environment, International News
A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.
His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.
“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”
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Filed under Culture, Dating, environment, Farming, Food, Health, International News, Royals
I only smoked one spliff. It was this long.
Fresh doubts over the future of Britain’s High Speed rail network HS2 were raised today following a new ley line speed record set by flying yogi Danni Skodsborg from Scarborough. Mr Skodsborg made the 500-mile round trip from the North East coastal town to the West Country resort of Ilfracombe and back in under an hour, using ‘nothing more than the power of thought’ to draw energy from the ancient ley line that connects the two towns.
News of the new record has led some to question whether the country should be investing in a new High Speed rail network when existing systems are shown to be faster, even if it does take a bit of ‘delving about in the dark arts’ to access them.
Filed under environment, Travel
Driven by the threat of the melting Arctic ice cap, beleaguered polar bears are being forced to abandon their natural habitat and adapt to new environments.
Many of the highly intelligent creatures have migrated to North America where, after a quick makeover, they are integrating into the native Brown and Grizzly Bear population. Others, as they head south, are finding themselves on the shores of Scotland where they are quickly settling into local communities.
The bears seem to have been able to slip into the country with little difficulty. “Poles, polar bears, and Romanians. They’re all the same as far as I’m concerned,” said one immigration official. “If they’re white, hairy and speak unintelligibly, they have to be allowed in.” Continue reading
Filed under environment, Nature, News
Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.
An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.
Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.
“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”
Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, environment, Pagans
A whale-sized creature found washed up on a beach near Edinburgh is probably a sperm whale, and not Eric Pickles as first thought.
An animal welfare charity was called to the beach early this morning by a member of the public concerned the communities minister was piloting a new parking scheme.
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Filed under environment, Nature, News
The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the start of an Eco-invasion.
“The alarm was raised at 5am this morning during the storm,” PC Flegg told us. “We had calls from several concerned residents who say the recycling boxes were taking up ‘a combat position’ in the middle of the road.
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Filed under Christmas, environment, News, Travel, Weather
Landlord insists ‘ecopint’ is at least as efficient as windfarms.
A local pub landlord has been accused of misusing a green energy grant, after spending the entire budget on double-glazed pint glasses.
Eddie the barman at the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been charged with ‘greenwash’ by a group of thirsty environmentalists. The same group has also raised doubts over the accuracy of the energy labels adorning his beer pumps, and criticised a ‘green levy’ on so-called ‘hippy sh*t’ on the jukebox.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Technology
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